Thoughts in the aftermath

Abba,

Here I am. Here you are. Here we are.

You know all of the things. I can barely bring myself to write about these things for fear that I may not actually be dreaming and it is in fact real. But, it is in fact real. The President Elect of the United States is Donald Trump. Some relationships in my life are falling apart. I am in South Korea away from all of my family and friends. My future is in the balance. Finances are shit. My dog is in Indiana and I am in South Korea.

How is all of this and more happening all at the same time?

AND these are all just my white girl problems.....

I didn't even touch on the racism and hatred that is going on in America right now. My heart hurts. Yet, I sit here not fully entering into my emotions. Not really letting myself think too much about what is happening. And the thing is, I have the privlege of doing that because I am white and I currently don't reside in the US. I can escape and not dig in. And that makes me feel even more terrible.

I will never completely understand.

I have never been so poor that I didn't have a roof over my head or food to eat. I have a college education. I have white skin. There are so many things I will truly never understand, but that doesn't mean I can stay blind. I have to enter in. I need to feel angry and sad. I need to go through all the stages of grief. I must. There is racism, classism, sexism and more happening all around. The people who have lived their entire lives this way are tired. They have been through the stages of grief probably many times. To quote a friend of mine, "I have no more tears left." This is the reality that many have had to live in their entire lives. I and many have just started waking up to it in the past few years. Others have been fighting alongside for longer. The marginalized cannot fight without the help of the people who have privilege.

So how do I help? How do I bring a voice to those who don't have one? How do I enter in when I am already so very tired? I can't afford to be tired. But there's a balance of self care right? Fuck that. Is that selfish? Yes. Is it bad? No. There is truth to needing to take care of one's self in order to be able to help others, but when is that a cop out answer? When am I actually being inauthentic with myself? Am I actually too tired? Am I being lazy? Am I too comfortable in my white privilege skin and life? Can I really not go on any further? Probably not. I can go much further than I give myself credit for. You (God) have given me an amazing brain that is able to endure more than I even understand. But why do so many have to endure so much in 2016 in America? What the fuck?!

So how do I help? What can I do? God please tell me because I have no fucking clue.

Me

To my hurting friends and family-

I want you to know that I love you. You are valued. I value you. I want to enter in. If you need to talk about anything or nothing, I am here. I may be many miles away physically but we do live in an amazing technology age and I have the ability to talk. I will not be silent. I will not stand by as you are mocked, ridiculed, harrassed and abused. Please help me know how I can help...if I can help. Help me to know when I just need to listen. Help me to understand where I am still ignorant. I know I have much to learn. But what I do know is that I am good at relationships and I am here for you.