We often put too many expectations on relationships consciously and, more often, subconsciously. We idealize what our romantic partners, friends, and families should be. We romanticize it. We make it beyond human. The reality is people will fail us every time. Not because we can't have good moments. Not even because we want to and are malicious and evil but because we are merely human. We can't help but fail and disappoint. And too often we let our emotions of anger, resentment, outrage, disappointment and fear cloud our vision of love. This often prevents us from forgiving, extending grace and loving.
That's not to say that we should let others bulldoze their way through us. Not at all. Unless we are a whole person on our own, we cannot live functionally. I cannot expect my partner to fill the voids of my past. I cannot expect friends to be available every time I'm in need. That's not how real life works. But, as a whole person, I can accept my people as they are and not as they should be. I can forgive them when they make mistakes. I can extend grace when they have hurt me. I can share when I think they are out of line and have disappointed me. I can have realistic expectations in a relationship. With that beautiful and open communication, I can live in functional, real, true relationships because I first am a whole person who loves myself and knows how to do those things for me. If I can forgive myself, have grace for myself and call myself out when I'm being out of line in a loving way, I can do those things for others and not have an unhealthy need to fill some void through my relationships with other people.
It's too much pressure to put on a person when we expect them to fulfill dysfunctional expectations. That pressure can build over time and manifest itself in outrageous ways. The best thing to do is be honest with yourself and with your people. Know that your people will disappoint you. Know they will hurt you. Know they will not meet all of your expectations (especially if they aren't shared). Accept your people as they are and not as they should be. Love them. Forgive them. Extend grace to them. Accept them. That's all you really want, right? I know that's what I want. I know that I have often expected too much from those around me because of my own personal voids. To those, I'm deeply sorry. I'm slowly becoming a whole, imperfect person who is learning to love herself. With that, I can have more realistic expectations for myself and for my people. And no one person can be everything. That's why even when I find my life partner, he won't and can't be my everything. That's why community is so important. We all have needs, but no one person can fill all those needs all the time. And, if we don't love and accept ourselves for who we are, how can someone else?
Humans are messy. But, we are also so beautiful. The mess is part of the journey. I don't want to continue to make it harder than it already is. I'm gonna try my damnest to see people and love them as they are and know and accept that they will fail me. My fear of being abandoned and forgotten has driven me to do some crazy things. But that's part of my dysfunction that I can't keep putting on others. So, when I start to have those feelings of fear, I'm going to try to stop, listen to myself, figure out why I'm feeling the way I am and not react poorly towards the people who love me. It's not fair to them. My voids are not to be filled by them. But just as they are human, so am I. I will fail at this. And hopefully, I've surrounded myself with good people who will love me and forgive me and accept me where I am. I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself and those around me to be something that's beyond human. Let's all rest and be humans together.
No comments:
Post a Comment