Overwhelmed about to burst

Overwhelmed about to burst
welling up, my heart seems to grow
I want to sing
I want to dance
Can barely contain myself
Coming from a deep place
it's there beyond me
it doesn't make sense
this feeling is too great
to feel for one messy human being
but it's there
far passed my own abilities
I'm in love

Holeish

Empty but full
Longing yet peace
Strange and sincere
Open and shut
Far, near
Both pain and joy
It's truly hard to describe
The feeling of missing
A person you love so dear

It's easier to get angry
It's simpler to ignore
Avoidance is the key
Because understanding doesn't exist
The complexity of missing
Is beyond my comprehension

For once, I sit
Letting this feeling come
Not understanding
But accepting my reality
It's painful but somehow
I feel closer
So here I lie
Pretending I'm surrounded
by you

Christmas Denial

For me, Christmas has always been a special holiday. In general, I tend to be a joyful, bubbly person. This is a holiday that brings that to light more clearly. My face lights up at the littlest things this time of year: any sign or hint of snow falling, the smallest displays of Christmas lights, smells of baking, getting to wrap presents and so much more. Over the years, it has definitely changed from when I was a child, but I still was able to hold onto the light of that spirit that I knew from when I was a child. Even among some treacherous life stuff. Through it all, Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.

The past two years changed. Maybe I started to grow up. Maybe I let something inside of me die. Maybe I finally succumbed to what everyone has to figure out....that Christmas spirit I once knew has seemed to disappear. I have been denying it for sometime. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to believe forever that this was the most wonderful time of year. It was my safe place. A happy place where my real life could disappear into the fabric of the background because it was Christmas. It was magical. And don't get be wrong, I always stopped to reflect on the reason for the celebration and marveled at what God had done for us. I also tried not to get caught up in the materialistic commercialism that has infiltrated this season. I would make crafts and decorations of my own and bake cookies and knit scarves and do whatever I could to engage in the season. I am definitely one of those that started listening to Christmas music way too early...according to many. But, it all made me happy. It was me getting to be me.

This year is different.

We all know 2016 has been....well special and not in a good way. I don't need to remind you the awful and horrific things this year has brought. It has brought some really good and unexpected things as well. January 1st of 2016 I didn't imagine sitting here, in South Korea, getting to follow one of my dreams. But, following dreams doesn't come for free. I am having to spend Christmas away from what I know to be Christmas and I can honestly say I have been in denial of the season for quite some time. Although I bought materials to make Christmas cards in October, the bag sits in the corner untouched. I downloaded a play list of Christmas music only to have played it occasionally and not really pay too close attention to it. I haven't even sung along! Today is December 24th, Christmas Eve and I don't believe it. I have been fighting it. If I choose to live in today that means Christmas, or at least what I know to be Christmas will have gone on without me and that makes me incredibly sad. It rips at my heart and stings like something I have never felt before. Instead of allowing myself to feel that, instead of thinking of the pain, I have just denied that it is December. Not even always consciously. For the first two weeks of December, I was still writing 11 when I needed to write the date. How can it really be Christmas without me?

About a few hours ago, I decided to stop being in denial and do something Christmasy. I found the one movie that I watched like every year with my family: The Santa Clause. I turned on Christmas music and sang along. I got dressed up to go out with my friends in a little bit. I talked with my grandma, Omi. I am starting to feel like myself again. It feels a little like Christmas. Although I will have to deal with the pain, I will have to accept that Christmas in Indiana and Ohio will go on without me. I know I will be missed, but it will still continue to go on. Time to get out of denial and work through the rest of the stages of grief so I can actually come to accept what is happening right now.

I imagine I will be listening to Christmas for the next month or so since I missed out before hand. I will make my Christmas cards and send them out late and do other things, but Christmas denial has got to go. This year has been a crazy one, but I cannot let 2016 rob me of my favorite time of year. So, here's to all of you struggling with the feeling of Christmas this season. This feeling is a choice and today I am going to choose it. I am going to be joyful and even feel the pain. Christ was born in uncertain times. I mean for goodness sake he was born in a barn because of the political climate! But Christ brought hope. I must remember that hope and choose to remember to celebrate what this season is about. I know that Christians took over other holidays and Christ was really born a different time of year, but that doesn't change what or why I am celebrating. Jesus, thanks for coming to this world. God, thanks for giving us this precious gift. Thanks for showing us how to love those we thought were unlovable. Thank you for showing us there can be peace. Thank you for showing us to not just wait for you to come back, but to bring heaven to earth with the gifts you have given us. Help me to be an avenue where your light shines through. Help me to be a magnet of love and joy. Allow me to be the Christmas spirit and share with those around me even though I don't feel like it. Help me to stop and cry when I need to. Today, I choose joy.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your days be merry and bright.

Love,
Jess

slipping into nothing

slipping into nothing
falling face first
gasping for breath
trying to find something to hold
will anyone notice
if I decide to let go?

wanting to throw a toaster at someone's head

wanting to throw a toaster at someone's head
never seemed like a thing I would ever consider in life
I was very wrong
who knew that it would be at the person I most love in the world?
everyone
it's amazing that love and hate can be so closely related
that's why the color red represents both anger and love
on one hand it makes no sense at all
why would I want to throw a toaster at someone I love?
on the other it makes perfect sense
you never get close enough to someone you don't love
why would you?

it feels amazing to create

It feels amazing to create
will this high last forever?
know that it won't
with sharing the creativity
comes the wretchedness of
knowing what others might think
it is enough to make one not share
it is enough to crush the soul
but sharing is what makes it live
I don't want it to die
so my choice is made
the high will die
will i let the art die with it?

Revelation of self has come

Revelation of self has come
what will I do about it?
will I sit in what I knew?
it's comfortable here
but it won't be comfortable for long
the guilt will set in
I will have to move forward
change is imminent
I must move forward
it will be hard but it will be good
for now I sit
waiting for the moment
I can no longer be still