Learning to Love myself: Part I

Learning to Love Myself: Part I

Well, during my first counseling session, I dove in head first and discovered that I haven't loved myself. Like, if I were to ask myself the question, "Do you love yourself?", the answer would not be yes...at all. This is a hard, very sad thing to realize, but it is truth.

So, I thought for my first step in trying to love myself I would write myself a letter like how I would write my friends a letter in this given situation. I love to love on others and give affirmation and encouragement. I just don't know how to do it for myself. I have the skills to do it, so here's my first attempt.

Dearest Jessica,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It sucks that you have to go through a divorce. There's not really any other thing to say about that. It's okay cry. It's okay to decompress. It's okay to avoid your feelings at times. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be numb. There's no right way to go through this process. Just take your time and do what you need to do.

Jessica, you are enough. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are not in the way. These are truths you need to hear over and over and over again. These are things you should start to say to yourself when you can. Until you can, I will say them to you. They are true. You are amazing. You are worthy of great love. You are talented and lovely. Know that I believe in you.

Giving you advice seems unhelpful at this juncture. I don't think there's anything you can do or I can do to fix it. As sucky and cliche as it sounds, healing takes time. And that really is OKAY. Have grace for yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need to stick to your 10 point plan. You don't have to revise it and make a new one over night. Just be. I know that's really hard, but it is important especially now. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not have it all figured out. Jessica, it's okay that not everything is okay. You don't have to be put together for everyone. No one expects you to be perfect. You don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.

As much as you love to be needed, it's okay that you need others right now. People love you and want to take care of you. It's okay to let them do that. It's okay to let others know what you need. It's okay to not really be able to offer much back sometimes. Relationships aren't a score-keeping game. You don't have to win by out giving everyone around you. It's not a game! Just let others take care of you. It's okay.

Jessica, you have an interesting, amazing, horrifying, beautiful mosaic of a story. It's molded you into this beautiful person both inside and out. Yes, there are things about you that aren't perfect, but I love you just as you are and not as you should be. Stop striving so much. Live a little. Let yourself be loved for once. And know that that love doesn't come with strings attached. You are worthy just as you are with nothing to offer. You don't have to be helpful. You don't have to do anything. I love you in your darkest moments. It really is okay to have dark moments.

Thank you for loving people around you deeply. Even if they don't say it or sometimes even know it, they appreciate you. You aren't in the way. You give others so much. Just stop for a little bit and love yourself for awhile. You're gonna be okay. The questions don't need to be answered right now. There doesn't need to be a plan. Be still. Be loved. You are enough.

Love,
Jessica

And now....all the tears. I knew my words can be powerful to others and often to myself when speaking to others, but I never really thought about speaking to myself in the same way. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone but myself, but I'm so glad I started writing tonight. It's a great step in healing and these are definitely words I need to hear right now.

Thanks for listening (I mean reading) and taking part in my journey.