Learning to Love Myself: Part II

6-8-17

Learning to Love Myself: Part II

As you know, I have been going to counseling. It has been really beneficial and enlightening. One thing that I am working on right now is learning how to have a compassionate voice for myself. It's definitely not an easy thing to do especially when I have spent the last 29 years basically berating and criticizing myself. With time and practice, I'm starting to slowly see and recognize when I'm being too hard on myself and that's definitely the first step.

As I'm learning to have a compassionate voice, that leaves room for me to think about who I am and how I came to be. For example, no wonder I have identity issues. The formative years when most start to build their identity was in the middle of the chaos of my family when my parents were getting a divorce. I'm even to a point where I'm not blaming them for this. I'm just acknowledging what happened and now I understand that this is why I have this problem.

The epiphany I had today was a bit different. But first I am going to go on a bit of a rabbit trail because I think it might help the analogy a little. I have known many people in my life who have ADHD. I'm really fascinated by this and ask lots of questions to try and better understand because it truly is a different way to function in the world and difficult for them to do in a world where most people don't understand and expect things that are really difficult for people with ADHD to do. One thing I found in my conversations with them is that most people with ADHD happen to be picky eaters. This is just my own theory and I by no means have done any scientific research on this, but I believe it is because it is one thing in their life they actually can have control over. When everything around them overstimulates them in different ways, what they put in their mouth doesn't need to add to that overstimules and so they seem like they are picky about what they eat when in fact it is sort of a coping mechanism to work in the world of chaos around them.

I believe I have a different kind of coping mechanism that helped keep me safe and allowed me to function in the chaos around me when I was younger. I'm an obsessive planner. Being able to plan allowed me to do things in my life when I was a teenager that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise because my parents are also planners. My friends being spontaneous was not something they were on board with. But beyond that, I was excellent at planning for my homework and applying for college and doing everything I needed to succeed. Planning was safe because it was something I could control in my chaotic world.

But, there are some things that kept us safe that we should or have outgrown. There's a time where you have to let go of mom and dad's hands and walk on your own. Although planning can be a useful tool, it has in some ways become an excessive paranoia of mine because that's what used to keep me safe. The reality is it doesn't keep me safe anymore. That's not how real life works. Super planning often leads to disappointment and "failure" because I don't leave room for real life.

So, as I learn where this part of me has come from, I can understand and be compassionate with myself. I can start to acknowledge that it is a useful tool and not something I need all the time. It will be difficult to start to let this part of me go, but it is the only way I'll make strides toward being able to fly.

In trying to keep pace with my new self developments, I won't be making any plans about what comes next in my life until July. I'm giving myself the month of June to grow and develop and try to let go of some of the obsessive planning habits I have collected. It's definitely not easy. I often lay awake at night or the very early morning thinking about potential plans and I have to verbally tell myself to stop. Habits are truly hard to break but I need to continue to learn balance in my life. Planning is good in some ways but being obsessive about it will only continue to harm me at this point in my life.

Compassionate voice:

Jessica, it's okay that you struggle with this. You can only take one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others. You will continue to obsessively plan some days and other days you will chill out and wait and let yourself live life. It's okay. You're human. Let yourself be human and make mistakes. This journey is guiding you to your best self and in the mean time it's okay that you're not there. It's okay to be you as you are right now. Love you and let others love you. That's what life is really all about. Isn't it?

Thanks for journeying with me friends and family. I love you!