Our Eyes Fixed Ahead

Ahead, there is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I guess it is not really a thing, but something so indescribable. The beauty is so radiant; it's nearly blinding. It draws me in. I find myself gravitating towards the greatness. How did I get here? I was sitting and now I am walking toward the awesome scene almost involuntarily but I know that I have a choice. The light seems to be calling my name and guiding me toward the greatest adventure of my life. The excitement and joy seems to be streaming out of every pore of my body. I am overwhelmed with an incredible warmth from within. It feels like...love, but not what the world describes as love. This is a greater and more pronounced. I have never felt more loved or more whole or more content. I am still. I am me. My eyes are fixed on what lies ahead. Nothing can stop me.

Around, I start to become aware. The ugliness that seems to surround me. Above is grey, dark, and empty. To the left is dismay, destruction, and death. Look out! To the right there is a huge wave coming to take me out. Wait, where am I? Down, am I really walking on water? Right, that wave is going to come and consume me! Now I am falling down, down, down, deeper and deeper. I can't breathe. Overwhelmed. Struggling. Trying to get myself up out of this mess. Why didn't I see this before? What was I thinking trying to walk on water? What was I doing?

Fading, I remember faintly. That grand light. I see a glimpse of it now. What's that? A hand. Air starts to fill my longs as the water rushes past me. I am out of the water. I can breathe again. This man standing in front of me reminds me of the beauty I saw before. Why is he here...no wait, I do not even have to ask that question because I just know. He is here to save me. He pulled me out of the water. I am safe again. The sensation of love quickly returns to my entire being.

Behind, I see. This seems all too familiar. This is not the first time this has happened. Flashes of the same scene over and over again appear.  The man looks at me with penetrating eyes. I feel naked. He can see right through me. Guilt starts to creep in as I remember how many times this man has rescued me from the overwhelming, consuming waves. Doesn't he get tired of pulling me out of the mess I created for myself? I am the one who got distracted. I am the one who removed my focus and my gaze from the beautiful greatness ahead.

Stop. The man does not say a word and yet I know he means for me to be still and just gaze into his eyes. The guilt flees from my soul. I am forgiven. I am loved through and through. He sets my feet back into place, ready to continue on the journey ahead. No more worry. No more consumption. No more distractions. The greatness and beauty are ahead. I must find others to come along with me. I must show them the tremendous work that is ahead. Look! Do you see? We must go together.

Onward, our eyes fixed ahead.

Epic Fail?

Last time I wrote, I was ready to charge forward, get out of my comfort zone and pop through my bubble of safety.  I went to campus with that intent and purpose.  I walked around the union (where there is a lot of traffic on campus) and began to pray and ask God who I should approach.  I had told myself that the goal was to talk to three people I didn't know and try to start a spiritual conversation.  The longer I walked around, the more scared I got.  A million thoughts were swarming my brain:


"I can't do this"  "I'm going to bother people while their studying"  "It's really awkward to approach people when they have no clue who I am"  "I have passed that person like three times now, if I approach them now, they will think I was stalking them"  "I can't do this"  "I'm too scared"  "God help me"  "I have to do this; I have to talk to three people; I told so many that was my goal; I can't fail"  "I will walk around one more time and then I'll talk to someone"  "I can't do this"  "God, really?  I can't talk to him"  "Why do so many people wear earbuds all the time?"  "Why is this so hard?"  "I can't do this"  "I'm a pansy"  


That's a small portion of the thoughts that were rattling around in my brain.  You know what I did?  I walked out of the union, straight to the parking garage, got in my car and drove home.


Epic fail...


Sigh...


I talked myself out of it.  I did not take my own advice.  I did not choose to remember that God would guide me through the conversations.  I let my fear overcome me and I walked away.  I chose to say no for those people.  The people God called me to talk to, I walked away from and they may have needed to hear the Gospel.  They may have needed a friendly smile.  They may have needed to be invited to something.  They may have needed a word of encouragement.  I could have provided all of those things.  God has gifted me and equipped me to share with others.  I chose to walk away...


But you know what?  God is bigger than all of this.  He can redeem this.  I don't actually think that this was an epic failure.  It's just part of me being human and recognizing that I definitely can't do this on my own.  


1 John 2:12, says "I am writing to you who are God’s children because your sins have been forgiven through Jesus."


Jesus has covered my sin.  God knows I am not perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We have to learn how to give ourselves grace and forgive ourselves so we can move forward.  This was a great learning experience for me.  I was humbled.  I know that I can't go through life without God and others for support.  I am going to choose to forgive myself and try again.  


What about you?  Where have you "epically failed"?  What can you learn from that experience?  Have you forgiven yourself?  God has forgiven you. He has extended you his grace.  Claim that grace and walk in freedom and peace.  You will continue to fail but God knows that already.  It is part of the growing experience.  Will you let it hinder you, or drive you to become better and move forward?