Defining Moments - Part I - Christian do-gooder to Human Being

I had a defining moment last fall that was really big and personal for me. I had a witness who recently reminded me of the moment. I went back through our text messages to find this correspondence:

Friend: ...But yes you are strong. I'll always remember you sitting there holding my guitar after singing your song and saying out loud "I'm going to be alright". :-)

Me: Seriously that was such a beautiful moment for me. I will never forget that.

Me: I don't know what your beliefs are but God showed me a new side of him and how much he loves me in that moment. It will forever be embedded in my memory.
Me: Thanks for sharing it with me

Friend: I like felt honored to just watch you.

Me: Really?

Friend: Really

Me: Wow, I had no idea. I thought that moment was in my head but it seems like it was a moment for you too. Why did you feel honored?

Friend: Because it felt like a freeing moment for you. Like you opened up apart of yourself.

Me: I totally did. Wow. You saw that?

Friend: Mhm. It was cool to see you in that moment

Me: I have no words. I'm just smiling.

Friend: :-) :-) :-)

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It was the end of summer or beginning of fall. I had traveled by subway in South Korea to go visit my transitional companion. (Neither of us liked the term, "friends with benefits", so I came up with my own term that I felt fit our situation much better). I was sitting in his living room on his couch mostly or fully naked. I looked over and saw his guitar. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but I imagine I asked him if I could play it. I picked up the guitar and tuned it. Being rusty and having not played in a long time, I started strumming my go-to song - "Better is One Day". It was the first song I learned how to play on guitar.

I played and sang along.
Here are the lyrics:

How lovely is your dwelling place
O Lord Almighty
For my soul longs and even faints for You
For here my heart is satisfied
Within Your Presence
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to you
I will draw near to you

I remember laughing at myself while playing with a huge smile on my face. It seemed ironic to be sitting naked and praising God simultaneously. It also seemed poetic, perfect and absolutely fitting. The second verse asks to see God's beauty and glory. I could see that in my story and in the moment at hand. I felt like I was sitting in his courts and in his presence. Not only was my body naked, but so was my soul. I was bare and completely my authentic, whole self. And it was good.

In the past year, I had gotten divorced, thrown myself into the online dating world where my heart got broken a few more times, tried new things, attempted to wrap my brain around church and God (or maybe rather was avoiding it), navigated a new culture, language and country, and was trying to figure out my next career path - All of it came to a halt. I was fully present and I could just be.

After I finished the song, I said, " I will be alright." I knew that everything was going to be okay despite the crazy year I had just experienced and the fact that I was getting ready to go back to the US and didn't know what was ahead. I had a brand new understanding of how much God loved me just as I am. It was provocative, thrilling, beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing beyond words. Something within me opened up just as my friend so aptly observed. It was a defining moment and a spectacular transition.

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When I was younger, if I had heard of a naked girl playing guitar on the couch with a man she was not married to (and had only known for a few weeks) playing worship music, I probably would have thought that it was some kind of heresy. Like, how dare someone disgrace God in that way?!

In that moment, I deeply felt the words I had read nearly ten years ago for the first time and so often came back to my heart,  "God loves me as I am and not as I should be" - Brennan Manning.

I didn't have to be praying, reading my bible, or doing Christian good deeds. I didn't have to be helping someone. I didn't have to be a certain type of way. I didn't have to be sinless. I didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to be anything or do anything. I was a just a human being, sitting down in the presence of my friend and God. It was enough. I was enough. I was loved. I was accepted exactly where I was.

Freedom

Liberation

Peace

I gained a new perspective on myself, God and the world that day. It's like God gave me a glimpse through his eyes to see me as he does. There was love and not judgement. Just acceptance. Not just by God, but also for myself.

I tribute this experience to God. Some may say it's energy, the universe, epiphany, etc. It doesn't matter really how you see it. It just matters that it happened and it was real for me. It changed me. The defining moment brought me to a reality as a human. I will forever treasure this experience.

Our Eyes Fixed Ahead

Ahead, there is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I guess it is not really a thing, but something so indescribable. The beauty is so radiant; it's nearly blinding. It draws me in. I find myself gravitating towards the greatness. How did I get here? I was sitting and now I am walking toward the awesome scene almost involuntarily but I know that I have a choice. The light seems to be calling my name and guiding me toward the greatest adventure of my life. The excitement and joy seems to be streaming out of every pore of my body. I am overwhelmed with an incredible warmth from within. It feels like...love, but not what the world describes as love. This is a greater and more pronounced. I have never felt more loved or more whole or more content. I am still. I am me. My eyes are fixed on what lies ahead. Nothing can stop me.

Around, I start to become aware. The ugliness that seems to surround me. Above is grey, dark, and empty. To the left is dismay, destruction, and death. Look out! To the right there is a huge wave coming to take me out. Wait, where am I? Down, am I really walking on water? Right, that wave is going to come and consume me! Now I am falling down, down, down, deeper and deeper. I can't breathe. Overwhelmed. Struggling. Trying to get myself up out of this mess. Why didn't I see this before? What was I thinking trying to walk on water? What was I doing?

Fading, I remember faintly. That grand light. I see a glimpse of it now. What's that? A hand. Air starts to fill my longs as the water rushes past me. I am out of the water. I can breathe again. This man standing in front of me reminds me of the beauty I saw before. Why is he here...no wait, I do not even have to ask that question because I just know. He is here to save me. He pulled me out of the water. I am safe again. The sensation of love quickly returns to my entire being.

Behind, I see. This seems all too familiar. This is not the first time this has happened. Flashes of the same scene over and over again appear.  The man looks at me with penetrating eyes. I feel naked. He can see right through me. Guilt starts to creep in as I remember how many times this man has rescued me from the overwhelming, consuming waves. Doesn't he get tired of pulling me out of the mess I created for myself? I am the one who got distracted. I am the one who removed my focus and my gaze from the beautiful greatness ahead.

Stop. The man does not say a word and yet I know he means for me to be still and just gaze into his eyes. The guilt flees from my soul. I am forgiven. I am loved through and through. He sets my feet back into place, ready to continue on the journey ahead. No more worry. No more consumption. No more distractions. The greatness and beauty are ahead. I must find others to come along with me. I must show them the tremendous work that is ahead. Look! Do you see? We must go together.

Onward, our eyes fixed ahead.

Wall of Fear

I have made it to Indiana. It has been such a journey to get here and I have finally made it to my destination.  I can't even begin to describe to you the things that God is doing in my life.  First, I should update you on my budget status.  I have raised 68% of my budget and still need to raise $14,200.  Please continue to pray for me as I work toward my goal of 100%.

I love my job!  I know there are not many that can echo this and I know that I am blessed to be able to say this on a daily basis. I get to work with college students and talk with them about Jesus.  I get to walk through life with people and share in the messiness and brokenness and work towards restoration and wholeness.  It's a beautiful adventure.  Thank you God :-)

I want to share with you something that I have been working on myself and seems to be what others in my life are also working through.  The wall of fear.  When God calls you to do something, you know it. You have a vision, a purpose, a goal, a gut feeling, somehow you know when God is asking something of you whether it is to do something or not do something, it doesn't matter. You just know.  Often people talk about being obedient.  That seems simple enough. God says do this so you go do that.  Reality is, that it is not so simple.  Most of the time when God calls us to do something, it requires us to stretch ourselves.  We don't want to do that. We want to stay comfortable just where we are because we are content in our little bubbles we have created for ourselves.

As we sit in the center of our bubbles we feel safe and within the confines of our comfort zones.  The moment that we start nearing the edge of the bubble we begin to sense some fear.  When we can touch the outer edge of the bubble, we begin to feel petrified. That is the wall of fear I referred to earlier.  That is where we often walk back to the middle of the bubble and sit in a fetal position vowing never to leave ever again.  Not very often is someone brave enough to pop the bubble and venture outside of their comfort zone.

Something that is difficult for me to do is talk to complete strangers.  As part of my job as a staff worker with IV, I am supposed to walk up to random college students I do not know to do contact evangelism.  This means that I am going to start spiritual conversations with people I do not know.  These people could be atheists or love Jesus. I have no idea but I am called to walk up to them and start a conversation.  This petrifies me.  It seems like such an awkward thing to do.

The reality is though that people want to have spiritual conversations but most of our world tells us that we can't.  Or in the "Christian" world they just beat you over the head with a Bible. Often our culture does not just let people speak freely about what they believe or what questions they may have about spirituality.

So this week, I am going to pop my bubble and venture out of my comfort zone to talk to people I don't know about spiritual things.  God will be with me.  He will guide my way and He will help me get past my wall of fear.  I have been past different walls of fear in my life and what ends up happening is that I get this really amazing sense of peace and I find that life outside the bubble isn't so bad, in fact, there is a new sense of freedom and a great new perspective about life that I didn't have before.

So what about you?  What is your wall of fear?  What is God calling you to do?  Have you ventured outside the middle of your bubble?  Are you ready to punch through that wall of fear and see what God has to offer you on the other side?

Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."