Showing posts with label growing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing. Show all posts

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Defining Moments - Part I - Christian do-gooder to Human Being

I had a defining moment last fall that was really big and personal for me. I had a witness who recently reminded me of the moment. I went back through our text messages to find this correspondence:

Friend: ...But yes you are strong. I'll always remember you sitting there holding my guitar after singing your song and saying out loud "I'm going to be alright". :-)

Me: Seriously that was such a beautiful moment for me. I will never forget that.

Me: I don't know what your beliefs are but God showed me a new side of him and how much he loves me in that moment. It will forever be embedded in my memory.
Me: Thanks for sharing it with me

Friend: I like felt honored to just watch you.

Me: Really?

Friend: Really

Me: Wow, I had no idea. I thought that moment was in my head but it seems like it was a moment for you too. Why did you feel honored?

Friend: Because it felt like a freeing moment for you. Like you opened up apart of yourself.

Me: I totally did. Wow. You saw that?

Friend: Mhm. It was cool to see you in that moment

Me: I have no words. I'm just smiling.

Friend: :-) :-) :-)

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It was the end of summer or beginning of fall. I had traveled by subway in South Korea to go visit my transitional companion. (Neither of us liked the term, "friends with benefits", so I came up with my own term that I felt fit our situation much better). I was sitting in his living room on his couch mostly or fully naked. I looked over and saw his guitar. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but I imagine I asked him if I could play it. I picked up the guitar and tuned it. Being rusty and having not played in a long time, I started strumming my go-to song - "Better is One Day". It was the first song I learned how to play on guitar.

I played and sang along.
Here are the lyrics:

How lovely is your dwelling place
O Lord Almighty
For my soul longs and even faints for You
For here my heart is satisfied
Within Your Presence
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to you
I will draw near to you

I remember laughing at myself while playing with a huge smile on my face. It seemed ironic to be sitting naked and praising God simultaneously. It also seemed poetic, perfect and absolutely fitting. The second verse asks to see God's beauty and glory. I could see that in my story and in the moment at hand. I felt like I was sitting in his courts and in his presence. Not only was my body naked, but so was my soul. I was bare and completely my authentic, whole self. And it was good.

In the past year, I had gotten divorced, thrown myself into the online dating world where my heart got broken a few more times, tried new things, attempted to wrap my brain around church and God (or maybe rather was avoiding it), navigated a new culture, language and country, and was trying to figure out my next career path - All of it came to a halt. I was fully present and I could just be.

After I finished the song, I said, " I will be alright." I knew that everything was going to be okay despite the crazy year I had just experienced and the fact that I was getting ready to go back to the US and didn't know what was ahead. I had a brand new understanding of how much God loved me just as I am. It was provocative, thrilling, beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing beyond words. Something within me opened up just as my friend so aptly observed. It was a defining moment and a spectacular transition.

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When I was younger, if I had heard of a naked girl playing guitar on the couch with a man she was not married to (and had only known for a few weeks) playing worship music, I probably would have thought that it was some kind of heresy. Like, how dare someone disgrace God in that way?!

In that moment, I deeply felt the words I had read nearly ten years ago for the first time and so often came back to my heart,  "God loves me as I am and not as I should be" - Brennan Manning.

I didn't have to be praying, reading my bible, or doing Christian good deeds. I didn't have to be helping someone. I didn't have to be a certain type of way. I didn't have to be sinless. I didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to be anything or do anything. I was a just a human being, sitting down in the presence of my friend and God. It was enough. I was enough. I was loved. I was accepted exactly where I was.

Freedom

Liberation

Peace

I gained a new perspective on myself, God and the world that day. It's like God gave me a glimpse through his eyes to see me as he does. There was love and not judgement. Just acceptance. Not just by God, but also for myself.

I tribute this experience to God. Some may say it's energy, the universe, epiphany, etc. It doesn't matter really how you see it. It just matters that it happened and it was real for me. It changed me. The defining moment brought me to a reality as a human. I will forever treasure this experience.



Friday, January 9, 2015

2015: Year of Discipline

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend and was convicted particularly about my spiritual life. She was talking about how she just created a spiritual health plan because she knows she needs one and is not particularly excited about pursuing God but wants to and if she doesn't create a plan for herself, she will probably continue down the negative path that she has been spiraling. I can relate. I am there and not just in my spiritual life but also in every other aspect: physical, emotional, relational, and mental. Today, I decided that I am done falling down that dark spiral. I want to get healthy in all of these areas. I am deeming 2015 the year of discipline. That may seem odd but I believe it's the path towards healthiness.

For instance, when you learn about what it takes to be physically healthy it means making sure you get good nutrients in your body, and excersing. That takes a lot of discipline. You have to be diligent about the choices you make of what food enters your body and how you choose to get up and move...or not. It takes making good choices and great discipline. This is not just in our physical lives but also in spiritual, relational, mental, and emotional. I want to make healthy choices and discipline myself in all areas of my life. It's easy to get caught up in the everyday busyness and laziness.  It's easy to say I am going to sit and watch one episode on Netflix and then end up watching a season and a half. I am just going to have a few potato chips but the next thing you know, the whole bag is gone. I am going to read my Bible everyday, then one day you forget and then the next five days go by and you're like "what's the use anymore?". I am going to have that conversation I need to have with a person that involves conflct, but you run away instead. I can relate because I have done all of these things more than once.

I want to stop this unhealthy cycle. I want to be able to watch only one episode on Netflx. I want to be able to choose to eat something healthy and then have only one cookie. I want to dive into hard conversations with the people around me. I want to seek Jesus in the midst of hard stuff. I want to be healthy damn it. It's going to be a hard road and a long journey but I think if I start with small acts of discipline, I can get there.

Here are some things I am going to commit myself to this year:
Spending 30 minutes a day reading my Bible, praying, and journaling.
Making smart decisions about what food I eat.
Excersing at least twice a week for at least 30 minutes.
Blogging at least once a week about my journey in discipline.
Spending time with a friend in need at least twice a month.
Making a real dinner regularly (and then eating left overs)
Small cleaning every day so it doesn't all pile up.
Engaging in difficult conversation with my husband on a regular basis to develop better communication skills and a healthier marriage.
Walking my dog more regularly (assuming we can go outside...I mean I do live in Indiana).
Being more realistic about the things I can and cannot do.
Realizing that there will be days I will fail from this list, forgive myself, and try again the next day.
Have more grace for myself and others.
Choose my emotions more clearly. (Allowing myself to be angry but then choosing to let it go for example).
Read more books.
Play my flute more often.
Spend time in silence at least once a week.

I know I have more things I want to commit to this year but I think this is a great list to start with. I obviously have to actually make a plan instead of just listing things I want to do because otherwise they will not get done and I will continue to be stuck. I know this because I have done this before. It's the classic new years resolution syndrome right? It's easy to say I am going to do this, this year and then after one week, you quit. Having a plan is a really great start. I will share with you now one plan that I do have to get me started.

My food habits.
I did this back in October and November, the slow carb diet. I am not really one for dieting. There are many reasons that it is not appealing but I believe it will help me to be more disciplined in the long run and help me get to a healthier place. I am reading this book called "The 4 hour Body". In it, the author has a lot of interesting facts about our bodies. I won't go into all the details (it's a really big book and I haven't even read it all yet...one of the books that I want to read all the way through this year) but in it he describes this diet called the slow carb diet. Bascially, you eat meat and veggies for six days a week and then on the seventh day, you can eat whatever you want. I did that for about six weeks in the fall and lost 15 pounds. I was set to continue but ended up getting my wisdom teeth out and never truly committed myself back to that point. So, starting on Sunday, I am going to again begin this diet. It's not really about losing weight, although I would really love to be able to fit back into this one red dress that I still have, but it is about getting healthy and disciplining my body. I am hoping that if I continue this diet and get to a heatlhy place, that I will be able to use some of the practices within the diet to temper out how I eat on a regular basis not having such strict rules but being smart in the choices I make. I think that if I start off with a stricter dicipline it will guide me to a healthier way of living in the future. It definintely isn't an easy diet because I can't even have fruit or cheese or rice but I think it's a sacrifice I can make toward the path of healthiness.

I know that there will be days that I am not so good at following my goals to becoming well roundedly healthy but I want to choose to have grace for myself and continue moving forward. I am excited to see where God takes me on this journey. I think it will definitely be an interesting year. I will keep you posted on how the start of my diet goes next week and other plans I have for the year of discipline. Maybe it will inspire you to join me along on the journey.

I leave you with some interesting thoughts:

Definitions of discipline

noun
1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill
2. activity, exercise, or regimen that develops or imporves a skill: training
3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training
4. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.
5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control
6. a set or system of rules and regulations
7. Ecclesiastical. the system of government regulating the practice of a church as distinguished from its doctrine
8. an instrument of punishment, especially a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities
9. a branch of instruction or learning

verb
10. to train by instruction and exercise
11. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control
12. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise

Scripture on discipline

Proverbs 20:30 Pysical discipline may well save them from death.

Psalm 94:12 Joyful are those you discipline, lord, those you teach with your instructions.

Psalm 119:67 I used to wander off until you disciplined me; but now I closely follow your word.

Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.

Proverbs 13:1 A wise child accepts a parent's discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction.

Proverbs 15:5 Only a fool despises a parent's discipline; whoever learns from correction is wise.

Proverbs 23:23 Get the truth and never sell it; also get wisdom, discipline, and good judgement.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

1 Corinthians 9:27 I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.

Titus 1:8 Rather, he must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must love what is good. He must live wisely and be just. He must live a devout and diciplined life.

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - It's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those are are trained in this way.

Quotes on Discipline

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment." Jim Rohn

"To enjoy good health, to bring true happinness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him." Buddha

"Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. It may not be difficult to store up in the mind a vast quantity of facts within a comparatively short time, but the ability to form judgments requires the severe discipline of hard work and the tempering heat of experience and maturity." Calvin Coolidge

"Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful." Jacqueline Bisset

"Success isn't measured by money or power or social rank. Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace." Mike Ditka

"Confidence comes from discipline and training". Robert Kiyosaki

"We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment." Jim Rohn

"It is a full time job being honest one moment at a time, remembering to love, to honor, to repect. It is a practice, a discipline, worthy of every moment." Jasmine Guy

"Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself." Abraham Joshua Heschel

"Once you have commitment, you need the discipline and hard work to get you there." Haile Gebrselassie

"The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself." Bo Bennett

"Most of us don't mind doing what we ought to do when it doesn't interfere with what we want to do, but it takes discipline and maturity to do what we ought to do whether we want to or not." Joseph B. Wirthlin