Learning to Love Myself: Part IV - Should vs Could

Learning to Love Myself: Part IV
Should vs Could

The "Shoulds"
This is not the way my life was supposed to go. I should be married. I should be well on my to having children or have had them already. I should be living in community with my family in the United States with a job I love. I should have a father who is speaking to me. I should be going to church every week. I should not be so insecure. I should be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Shouldn't I have more of my life figured out by now?

But the problem with should is that it is consumed with guilt, shame, judgment, pain, and regret. It isn't the compassionate voice that I need in my life right now. Even just typing it out felt wrong at this point and I just had this realization like 5 hours ago.

But watch what happens when I replace should with could.

This is my life. I could be married. I could be well on my way to having children. I could be living in community with my family in the United States with a job. I could have a father who is speaking to me. I could be going to church every week. I could not be so insecure. I could be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Could I have more of my life figured out by now?

The whole vibe and tone changes. Could brings hope and leaves room for grace and understanding. Could is the compassionate voice I have been looking for. Because when I change should to could, I can further expand on these ideas.

See what else happens with could:

I could be married, but I'm not. If I were still married, there would be a lot of misery and unhealthy things that are just not good for either of us. So, I could be married, but I'm not and that's okay.

I could be well on my way to having children, but I'm not married. This leaves room for the growth that I need right now. I'm dealing with some difficult things in my life and growing and becoming more secure with myself. As much as I want children, it's okay that they aren't here yet.

I could be in the United States but I've gotten to live in another country and experience a different part of the world. It has has been really exciting and I have enjoyed learning about a new culture and getting to meet some lovely people from all over the world!

I could have a father who talks to me. I don't currently. It's really sad. There's hope that maybe someday that might change. But I have done the best I can with the tools I have at the moment and that has to be okay for now.

I could be going to church every week. Right now, that's not what I need. Every time I walk into church, I get really angry about the process of how it is done and how it alienates outsiders. Maybe someday I will be in a place to be able to help make some changes within the church but now is not that time. It's okay that I'm not going to church every week right now.

I could not be so insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm more secure in myself now than I have ever been. I do have a long way to go, but I have grown in this area. I will continue to grow in this area and for now, my insecurities make sense based on my life story. It's okay that I have insecurities. It's okay for me to be human.

I could be farther along in life at the age of 29, but what does that really mean? It's really what society has told me and not what my life is and who I am. So, I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. Broken, sad, grieving a failed marriage....no not a "failed" marriage. It's just a marriage that didn't work out at this time. All of this is okay. This is part of my life and part of my story. It doesn't mean I "should" be in some different place. I am where I am and that's okay.

Could I have more of my life figured out by now? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter? Not really. For now, living in the present is really what is important for me. I need to see the good that is here now.

So, changing should to could might be one of the most powerful things I can do for my life in this season. It takes away the guilt, shame, and regret and replaces it with compassion, understanding, and peace. That's what I need in my life right now. My life could be anything I want it to be. That's both a relief and very scary but overall it means that "should" isn't the right word for my life and really needs to be taken out of my vocabulary...maybe permanently.