You Can't Handle the Truth

August 20th, 2017

"You can't handle the truth" is a phrase that is perpetually on my mind today. Most people would say that they want others to be honest with them right? Like, you want people to be straightforward. You want people to share their thoughts and feelings. You want people to be up front and you don't want to deal with people who lie and back pedal.

I'm calling bullshit.

In my experience, when I'm honest and upfront, people often shy away. They don't know how to handle it. Also, in my experience, most people aren't honest enough with themselves and then aren't honest with others either. This is something that I cannot comprehend. If you expect honesty, why aren't you, yourself honest? That's only logical, right? I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomena.

I came to the realization today that I'm just not like most people in this way and that's why I struggle. I am honest all the time and it gets me into trouble. Now, why is that? Why should I be in trouble for being honest with myself and others? Okay, okay, there is a good balance. I can be honest with myself and others but there is definitely a time and place for some truth. And I have learned this lesson the hard way multiple times. But, still, why are people so scared?

And what are they scared of? Being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do but it's also the most beautiful experiences I have had with people. Vulnerability is a true sign of strength and not weakness. Why do we think it's the opposite? Why do people think a rough exterior is the way to be? Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations of playing games with people? Life is way too short for that shit!

I was talking with a good friend of mine today about this. I was like, "shit, now I'm gonna have to start learning to play the game." My friend said, "Why?" And I realized she was right. I don't want to have to learn to play the game. This is not a good or fun game to play. If you wanna play cards or pool I will play in a heartbeat. But the life game is dumb and I refuse to play it.

Refusing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and others is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. And mostly it boils down to people being scared of themselves and others. I'm pretty sure living life the way I do is both stupid and amazing but like I said before life is too short. My favorite parts of life are watching people grow and being real with others. That's the life I want to choose even if it seems odd and a little stupid. I don't want to live scared.

But, can we please stop throwing the word honesty around flippantly? Most of the time people say, "I'm just trying to be honest" they aren't. It's a partial truth, maybe, and it's more about themselves than the other person. If you want real honesty then please use the word, but if you don't, can you stop pretending and realize you would rather be lied to and keep lying to yourself? It's really okay if you want to live your life that way, no judgment here. Just at least be honest about that part. It will make life a bit easier for everyone. If you can't handle the truth, just say so. It's really okay.

In and Out of Darkness

You know that moment in so many scenes in movies where the character(s) shake their heads and blink their eyes and somehow they have come out of some kind of trance? It might have been a magic spell or telepathic thing or whatever, but they are finally seeing clearly again or even for the first time. I feel like I'm constantly coming out of that state. Every step I take to learn more about myself and every day I learn more about the world and people around me. It's like I'm in a constant state of coming out of some sort of trance. Like I was blind and now I can see. Something was clouding my vision of a certain aspect of my life and now I see it clearly for the first time.

It's really disorienting. I cannot even begin to understand what it would feel like to be a person who was actually, physically blind and now can see but, I imagine that at first everything would seem super bright and ridiculously overwhelming.

I feel that kind of way nearly weekly at this point in my life. I know in a lot of ways it's a really great thing. It means I'm growing. It means I'm seeing myself more in reality and trying to make my best self. I can tell this is very beneficial for me.

But sometimes I really want it to stop. Like when will it stop being so overwhelming? When will I actually see the world for what it really is instead of continuously coming out of trances? It's almost like I keep waking up from a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream, etc. When will I wake up to reality? Will I be stuck in the Matrix forever?

.......................

I really wanted to end my post on that last question. It felt like an excellent moment to stop and just let all the questions linger and ponder about the world and life. But, it felt like I was leaving the impression of hopelessness and helplessness. That's not actually what I'm feeling. Actually, I am feeling a lot of hope. I see more light. I see the good that is happening in my heart and soul with all of these experiences. So, as much as I want it to stop, I don't really. As long as it takes, as many times as I have to wake up, I think that it will be worth it. In the end, I will have grown. I will have discovered more parts of myself and the world around me. I will be reaching my best self and then able to offer my best self to others. This is the journey and it's my beautiful, crazy, messed up, twisted story. I'm becoming. It's terrifying. It's liberating. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's agonizing. It's torture. It's glorious. I'm becoming and it feels amazing.

Learning to Love Myself: Part V

Learning to Love Myself: Part V

Dear 15-year-old Jessica,

The world is a lot different than you thought. Though you were open to the gray areas of life, you only stepped into the kiddie pool of that realm. It gets a lot deeper and a lot wider. It's okay that you didn't know, you were only 15. I know you like to think that you are a really mature 15-year-old and you might be, but there's still a lot more to learn. And the reality is, some of the black and white things in your life kept you safe. It gave you structure when you needed it in the midst of a really chaotic world. It gave you what you needed at the time and that's okay. But,15-year-old Jessica, you were wrong about a lot of things. I know that's a weird thing to hear and you probably knew that but really it's okay. As a 29-year-old, you have lived a bit more life. You have been able to learn more about the world and how the gray area is okay. Letting go of the structure has been the hardest part for you but really the structure is no longer keeping you safe and it's just preventing you from being the amazing woman you could be. It's grounding you instead of enabling you to fly. So, dearest 15-year-old me, I'm going to have to let go of your precious, beautiful voice. You have given me some great things, but I need a new voice. I need one that will let me fly instead of holding me back. I will look back on you with fondness and not with judgment because you see, if I look at you with that judgment, well that's your voice and not the new voice I'm trying to find. So, goodbye 15-year-old Jessica. You will be well remembered, but you cannot stay in my inner circle any longer. I have to move on and say goodbye.

Yours,
29-year-old Jessica

I know this might seem a very bizarre post, however, it has been an interesting thing to discover in my counseling sessions. Many of the voices in my head are not my own. The voices that are there have kept me safe at different points in my life and were great tools at the time but I am a different person with many different life circumstances, so I'm learning to name the voices that are there and start to differentiate what needs to be said more to me now. I realized that one of those voices was my very own but from when I was much younger. If 15-year-old could see me now, she would be saying, "What the hell are you doing with your life?" And, I have to let that voice go because it isn't helpful and I've grown past needing that voice. I'm a much different person now.

Learning to Love Myself: Part IV - Should vs Could

Learning to Love Myself: Part IV
Should vs Could

The "Shoulds"
This is not the way my life was supposed to go. I should be married. I should be well on my to having children or have had them already. I should be living in community with my family in the United States with a job I love. I should have a father who is speaking to me. I should be going to church every week. I should not be so insecure. I should be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Shouldn't I have more of my life figured out by now?

But the problem with should is that it is consumed with guilt, shame, judgment, pain, and regret. It isn't the compassionate voice that I need in my life right now. Even just typing it out felt wrong at this point and I just had this realization like 5 hours ago.

But watch what happens when I replace should with could.

This is my life. I could be married. I could be well on my way to having children. I could be living in community with my family in the United States with a job. I could have a father who is speaking to me. I could be going to church every week. I could not be so insecure. I could be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Could I have more of my life figured out by now?

The whole vibe and tone changes. Could brings hope and leaves room for grace and understanding. Could is the compassionate voice I have been looking for. Because when I change should to could, I can further expand on these ideas.

See what else happens with could:

I could be married, but I'm not. If I were still married, there would be a lot of misery and unhealthy things that are just not good for either of us. So, I could be married, but I'm not and that's okay.

I could be well on my way to having children, but I'm not married. This leaves room for the growth that I need right now. I'm dealing with some difficult things in my life and growing and becoming more secure with myself. As much as I want children, it's okay that they aren't here yet.

I could be in the United States but I've gotten to live in another country and experience a different part of the world. It has has been really exciting and I have enjoyed learning about a new culture and getting to meet some lovely people from all over the world!

I could have a father who talks to me. I don't currently. It's really sad. There's hope that maybe someday that might change. But I have done the best I can with the tools I have at the moment and that has to be okay for now.

I could be going to church every week. Right now, that's not what I need. Every time I walk into church, I get really angry about the process of how it is done and how it alienates outsiders. Maybe someday I will be in a place to be able to help make some changes within the church but now is not that time. It's okay that I'm not going to church every week right now.

I could not be so insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm more secure in myself now than I have ever been. I do have a long way to go, but I have grown in this area. I will continue to grow in this area and for now, my insecurities make sense based on my life story. It's okay that I have insecurities. It's okay for me to be human.

I could be farther along in life at the age of 29, but what does that really mean? It's really what society has told me and not what my life is and who I am. So, I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. Broken, sad, grieving a failed marriage....no not a "failed" marriage. It's just a marriage that didn't work out at this time. All of this is okay. This is part of my life and part of my story. It doesn't mean I "should" be in some different place. I am where I am and that's okay.

Could I have more of my life figured out by now? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter? Not really. For now, living in the present is really what is important for me. I need to see the good that is here now.

So, changing should to could might be one of the most powerful things I can do for my life in this season. It takes away the guilt, shame, and regret and replaces it with compassion, understanding, and peace. That's what I need in my life right now. My life could be anything I want it to be. That's both a relief and very scary but overall it means that "should" isn't the right word for my life and really needs to be taken out of my vocabulary...maybe permanently.

Learning to Love Myself: Part III

Learning to Love Myself: Part III

One thing I finally decided was that I wanted to actually do something about the back problems that I have had. One thing every doctor I have talked to has said, that regardless of my weight something that doesn't help is my lack of core muscles. That puts extra strain on my back. So, I decided I wanted to build up my core. Now, the problem with consistent exercise in my life has more to do with mentality than anything else. I can be super determined for a week and then all motivation goes to shit because really I care more about other people than I do myself. In an effort to continue down this path of loving myself, I came up with a plan.

For some reason, I actually don't mind doing sit-ups. The problem though is that I will do around 50 and then be done forever. Like I mentioned, it has more to do with my mental state. I created a 60-day challenge for myself. The first day I would do 2 sit-ups and then every consecutive day I would just add 2 sit-ups. So, day two would be 4 sit-ups and day three would be 6 sit-ups and so on until I get to 120 sit-ups on day 60. I even created myself a little chart to cross of the days that I had done because, well, I'm a list oriented person.

I had no idea it would be so effective! The first day felt really silly, just doing 2 sit-ups. I almost did more because of how silly it felt. But, I told myself that's not the point. The point is to gradually get me into a habit and to keep me wanting more. It worked. I can proudly say that today I am half way through the challenge and I just did 60 sit-ups! It feels great to finally be doing something consistent for myself in a physical way. In the future, I hope to add more things than just sit ups but for now, one thing at a time will get me into the habit of doing something physical every day and actually enjoy what I am doing.

Spiraling

One overwhelming thought springs to mind. It doesn't have to be anything significant, just something tied to a deep emotion. This is easy to do in my world. I feel deeply. This feeling grows and the thoughts become more and more. It makes me feel like I'm free falling with nothing to grab hold of. It's not the sensation of flying because that would be glorious. It's the terror of what might come at the bottom. Spinning, twirling, upside down and flipping out of control. No structure. No sense of balance. No way to know what is up or down or right or left. My whole navigation system is off. The world feels like a vortex of chaos. The thoughts now jump out randomly like some video game where you try to avoid hitting things as you are going way too fast. But really, I'm terrible at the game so I hit every one of them. This means that I start flipping around more like a ping pong ball and I absorb everything I hit. Every new thing I hit is another thought and another emotion combined and compounds whatever was before it. The layers of thoughts and feelings cannot even be expressed. This is my spiral. This is what happens in the time span of seconds.

But then, I start saying the things out loud. If I have a person to say them to, the layers become less. The emotion starts to ease. The blurred images become actual words and not just random thoughts of chaos spiraling out of control. My words give the things meaning. My words allow the emotions to feel instead of being stifled up inside. I stop flipping. I slowly stop spinning. The ground is in sight and I'm able to land on my feet. Grounded, I can see the spiral that was above like there was no gravity for a few minutes and now I have a sense of myself and the world around me again. The root emotion can be recognized, named, and therefore felt and let go.

Maybe this is what it is like for others who also externally process. I hope to start to notice my symptoms sooner and I hope to be able to talk myself out of the spiraling vortex. With time and practice, I believe this is possible. Until then, thank you to those of you who have been my sounding boards, who essentially have been the person holding the rope (I couldn't see) and brought me back safely to the ground again.

Shattered

Shattered
The pieces lie there
All over the floor
It's the kind where
Little pieces scattered
To every nook and cranny in the room
Too overwhelmed
Don't know where to start
Each piece represents
A different memory
A special emotion
This item is too precious
It cannot be thrown away
Can it be put back together?
It won't ever be the same
I can't look how it did before
There are too many pieces
But how does one
Put their own heart
Back together?