We often put too many expectations on relationships consciously and, more often, subconsciously. We idealize what our romantic partners, friends, and families should be. We romanticize it. We make it beyond human. The reality is people will fail us every time. Not because we can't have good moments. Not even because we want to and are malicious and evil but because we are merely human. We can't help but fail and disappoint. And too often we let our emotions of anger, resentment, outrage, disappointment and fear cloud our vision of love. This often prevents us from forgiving, extending grace and loving.
That's not to say that we should let others bulldoze their way through us. Not at all. Unless we are a whole person on our own, we cannot live functionally. I cannot expect my partner to fill the voids of my past. I cannot expect friends to be available every time I'm in need. That's not how real life works. But, as a whole person, I can accept my people as they are and not as they should be. I can forgive them when they make mistakes. I can extend grace when they have hurt me. I can share when I think they are out of line and have disappointed me. I can have realistic expectations in a relationship. With that beautiful and open communication, I can live in functional, real, true relationships because I first am a whole person who loves myself and knows how to do those things for me. If I can forgive myself, have grace for myself and call myself out when I'm being out of line in a loving way, I can do those things for others and not have an unhealthy need to fill some void through my relationships with other people.
It's too much pressure to put on a person when we expect them to fulfill dysfunctional expectations. That pressure can build over time and manifest itself in outrageous ways. The best thing to do is be honest with yourself and with your people. Know that your people will disappoint you. Know they will hurt you. Know they will not meet all of your expectations (especially if they aren't shared). Accept your people as they are and not as they should be. Love them. Forgive them. Extend grace to them. Accept them. That's all you really want, right? I know that's what I want. I know that I have often expected too much from those around me because of my own personal voids. To those, I'm deeply sorry. I'm slowly becoming a whole, imperfect person who is learning to love herself. With that, I can have more realistic expectations for myself and for my people. And no one person can be everything. That's why even when I find my life partner, he won't and can't be my everything. That's why community is so important. We all have needs, but no one person can fill all those needs all the time. And, if we don't love and accept ourselves for who we are, how can someone else?
Humans are messy. But, we are also so beautiful. The mess is part of the journey. I don't want to continue to make it harder than it already is. I'm gonna try my damnest to see people and love them as they are and know and accept that they will fail me. My fear of being abandoned and forgotten has driven me to do some crazy things. But that's part of my dysfunction that I can't keep putting on others. So, when I start to have those feelings of fear, I'm going to try to stop, listen to myself, figure out why I'm feeling the way I am and not react poorly towards the people who love me. It's not fair to them. My voids are not to be filled by them. But just as they are human, so am I. I will fail at this. And hopefully, I've surrounded myself with good people who will love me and forgive me and accept me where I am. I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself and those around me to be something that's beyond human. Let's all rest and be humans together.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
What is Grace?
"What is grace? I know until you ask me; when you ask me, I do not know."
~ Saint Augustine
Dictionary.com gives several definitions:
noun
7.
verb (used with object), graced, gracing.
~ Saint Augustine
Dictionary.com gives several definitions:
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action:
We watched her skate with effortless grace across the ice.
Synonyms: attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease, lissomeness, fluidity.
Antonyms: stiffness, ugliness, awkwardness, clumsiness; klutziness.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment:
He lacked the manly graces.
4. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:
It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.
Synonyms: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon:
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7.
an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied:
The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses.
Compare grace period.
14. to lend or add grace to; adorn:
15. to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence. Synonyms: glorify, elevate, exalt.
Antonyms: disrespect, dishonor.
But I don't think most of these definitions do the word justice. (Though a combination of some of them start to get to the heart of how I think of grace #3, 4, & 5) Grace has such a deep meaning to me. I realize that mostly this word is embedded in Christian culture. The word grace is often attributed to God. Some would define grace as "God giving us what we don't deserve". Now there's a lot of theology surrounding that and that's not really the reason I'm posting about grace but it does give me more of a starting point to talk about grace between humans.
Thinking about extending grace to those around us is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Giving someone something they don't deserve, in the positive sense. Sometimes people don't "deserve" a second chance or maybe they "deserve" to be punished or treated a certain way based on their actions. Extending grace means giving them a pass, forgiving them for the action against you and extending love and understanding. It means to reach out and extend a bridge to meet the person where they stand.
Now I don't think that grace means letting people get away with everything and being a doormat. Grace is not allowing someone to repeatedly hurt you with no consequence. Grace is not about unhealthy relationships. I think that extending grace to a person is trying to understand from their perspective, accepting them as a human who makes mistakes and granting them love just as you would like to receive the same.
In the moments where I have received grace...it's nearly indescribable. The amount of love and understanding I have felt in those moments is incredible. Knowing that I fucked up and another person is willing to meet me in my humanity and love me anyways...wow!!! It's a state of amazing compassion. To be loved through grace is one of the most astounding ways I think another can be loved.
Extending and receiving grace is one of the most beautiful parts of humanity. Sometimes it's in small ways and sometimes it's in really big ways. I would love to hear stories from those of you who have received and extended grace.
Now I don't think that grace means letting people get away with everything and being a doormat. Grace is not allowing someone to repeatedly hurt you with no consequence. Grace is not about unhealthy relationships. I think that extending grace to a person is trying to understand from their perspective, accepting them as a human who makes mistakes and granting them love just as you would like to receive the same.
In the moments where I have received grace...it's nearly indescribable. The amount of love and understanding I have felt in those moments is incredible. Knowing that I fucked up and another person is willing to meet me in my humanity and love me anyways...wow!!! It's a state of amazing compassion. To be loved through grace is one of the most astounding ways I think another can be loved.
Extending and receiving grace is one of the most beautiful parts of humanity. Sometimes it's in small ways and sometimes it's in really big ways. I would love to hear stories from those of you who have received and extended grace.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Learning to Love Myself Part VII - Becoming my own Best Friend
Learning to Love Myself Part VII
Becoming my own Best Friend
I expect a lot from myself. In turn, I expect a lot out of others, less so than from myself but still a lot. Something I have come to realize though is that I can't ask others to love me if I don't know how to love myself. How can someone be my friend if even I don't like myself?
I have been practicing being compassionate with myself. I am changing how I talk to myself so that it is more positive and less degrading. I am learning to treat myself how I would treat my closest friends. It's not an easy thing. I am so harsh on myself because I'm always striving to be better. But what good is that if I'm not enjoying life along the way?
I have started practicing other things as well. I'm taking myself out. I have on occasion taken myself to the movies but I also took myself to a musical at Playhouse Square last week and will do so again next week. It's difficult for me to spend money on myself but I am learning to budget it in because it is important to treat myself with kindness.
I sing in the car and jam out to songs that I love even though I know others would look down on me for my song choices. Does it really matter if I love it and am having fun?
I am starting to give myself advice in a way that I would when talking to a dear friend. This allows me to see things more clearly and honestly. Plus talking to myself out loud has been a useful practice since I am an external processor. Trying to internally process is usually a nightmare and I tend to spiral.
Learning to love myself and befriend myself is an interesting journey. I'm starting to see why I've had difficulties with friendships in the past. No wonder some people struggled with this or that from my character...even I wouldn't like that in a friendship. But it also has taught me how amazing I am. I am both humbled and amazed by myself. It's strange. It's difficult. It's hard work but definitely worth doing.
No one can fulfill all the needs I have. Though I am still adamant that it takes a community to live a good, healthy and loving life, I have also learned that loving myself is part of that community and an important one. I can't really be happy with my life if I'm not even willing to be friends with myself.
This journey will continue and I hope to learn more and grow. But if nothing else, I'm learning that I can be friends with myself and that's a beautiful and amazing thing.
Becoming my own Best Friend
I expect a lot from myself. In turn, I expect a lot out of others, less so than from myself but still a lot. Something I have come to realize though is that I can't ask others to love me if I don't know how to love myself. How can someone be my friend if even I don't like myself?
I have been practicing being compassionate with myself. I am changing how I talk to myself so that it is more positive and less degrading. I am learning to treat myself how I would treat my closest friends. It's not an easy thing. I am so harsh on myself because I'm always striving to be better. But what good is that if I'm not enjoying life along the way?
I have started practicing other things as well. I'm taking myself out. I have on occasion taken myself to the movies but I also took myself to a musical at Playhouse Square last week and will do so again next week. It's difficult for me to spend money on myself but I am learning to budget it in because it is important to treat myself with kindness.
I sing in the car and jam out to songs that I love even though I know others would look down on me for my song choices. Does it really matter if I love it and am having fun?
I am starting to give myself advice in a way that I would when talking to a dear friend. This allows me to see things more clearly and honestly. Plus talking to myself out loud has been a useful practice since I am an external processor. Trying to internally process is usually a nightmare and I tend to spiral.
Learning to love myself and befriend myself is an interesting journey. I'm starting to see why I've had difficulties with friendships in the past. No wonder some people struggled with this or that from my character...even I wouldn't like that in a friendship. But it also has taught me how amazing I am. I am both humbled and amazed by myself. It's strange. It's difficult. It's hard work but definitely worth doing.
No one can fulfill all the needs I have. Though I am still adamant that it takes a community to live a good, healthy and loving life, I have also learned that loving myself is part of that community and an important one. I can't really be happy with my life if I'm not even willing to be friends with myself.
This journey will continue and I hope to learn more and grow. But if nothing else, I'm learning that I can be friends with myself and that's a beautiful and amazing thing.
Friday, September 1, 2017
Losing my Shit
Nothing quite gets under my skin like when I have misplaced something and cannot find it anywhere. I'm the type of person who doesn't really lose anything. I remember where I put things and have a general understanding and organization of life around me.
Being in limbo and living out of suitcases for a few days doesn't help with knowing exactly where everything is right now, especially because I didn't pack like I normally do. Ordinarily, I pre plan how I will be packing and take my time and organize everything. For example, when I left for Korea, I spent weeks with suitcases on the floor in the dining room of the apartment, sorting through what I needed to bring and how heavy each suitcase would be.
As I have been learning to live life a bit more fully in my last couple of months here, I didn't take the time to pack well. I knew I wasn't moving far (just one floor up for a few days). Also, I didn't have that much to pack. I think when all is said and done I will have two checked bags, a carry-on and a back pack (at least that's my hope). So I knew it wouldn't take me all that long to pack up my apartment. I gave myself a day to do so. And I was right, it didn't take all that long.
However, I have had a difficult time remembering where I have put things because I packed so quickly. So over and over again in the past 24 hours or so, I have been scrounging around looking for things. Now, mostly I have been able to find things quickly and move on but it still has felt chaotic.
Until about 30 minutes ago. I have this little pouch with elephants on it that a dear friend gave to me when she traveled to Taiwan. I had put the earrings I have been wearing more frequently in it and the earrings that are more special to me. Then I can still wear earrings in the next few days and keep them close because they are special to me.
I don't usually buy many things, but I have a rather large collection of earrings. I have had earrings since I was five years old and in general, I have kept many of them over the years. Also, they are really easy to transport and they are fun for me. It's a little creative outlet for my physical appearance. That being said, I have bought multiple sets of really cool earrings in Korea and have been given several. I bought a pair while I was in Nami Island traveling with some good friends. The earrings remind me of the adventure and they look kind of like cherry blossoms and are handmade. My Korean mom had this beautiful pair she got in Mexico. Everytime she wore them, I commented on how wonderful they were and then she ended up giving them to me! She's truly one of the most wonderful people I think I have ever met.
So, I have been looking for this pouch off and on since I moved into to my temporary residence but I figured it would turn up. But, about 40 minutes ago I started actually looking. I tore through every bag I have each like three times. I started texting my friends to see if they could help me because maybe I had left it in my apartment some how. I started panicking. I started pacing. I had to keep telling myself to breathe because I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was definitely going to start crying. I know rationally they are just earrings, but there's a lot of sentimental value there. (I only mentioned two stories, there are many more pairs of earrings in this bag than that). I knew I was about to lose my shit.
I sat down and decided to work on something I could control. As I did so, my mind went to other things. And then, in the yarn bag beside the bed, I realized for some reason I might have put the pouch there. I did. It didn't seem like a place I would put them. It didn't make any sense at all for me to do so but somehow in the chaos of moving that's where they ended up. And now I feel really silly because I almost lost my shit over...welll, losing my shit.
It's understandable because I'm already emotional with the big move ahead and saying goodbye. These earrings were going to be a representation of my time in Korea and a physical reminder of some great times I have had here so it would have been devastating for me to have lost them. But, nothing in life is permanent and I have to learn that being sentimental is good and all but not to the extent of losing my shit. So now instead of taking a nap like I had planned, I stressed myself the hell out and need a drink. Luckily it's Friday and my friends are almost done with work so I can go drink and let off some steam.
There's no moral to the story. I just felt that maybe it was relatable and maybe I wasn't alone in losing my shit over something seemingly insignificant. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. I would love to hear your stories. And probably an hour or so from now, I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so dramatic.
Being in limbo and living out of suitcases for a few days doesn't help with knowing exactly where everything is right now, especially because I didn't pack like I normally do. Ordinarily, I pre plan how I will be packing and take my time and organize everything. For example, when I left for Korea, I spent weeks with suitcases on the floor in the dining room of the apartment, sorting through what I needed to bring and how heavy each suitcase would be.
As I have been learning to live life a bit more fully in my last couple of months here, I didn't take the time to pack well. I knew I wasn't moving far (just one floor up for a few days). Also, I didn't have that much to pack. I think when all is said and done I will have two checked bags, a carry-on and a back pack (at least that's my hope). So I knew it wouldn't take me all that long to pack up my apartment. I gave myself a day to do so. And I was right, it didn't take all that long.
However, I have had a difficult time remembering where I have put things because I packed so quickly. So over and over again in the past 24 hours or so, I have been scrounging around looking for things. Now, mostly I have been able to find things quickly and move on but it still has felt chaotic.
Until about 30 minutes ago. I have this little pouch with elephants on it that a dear friend gave to me when she traveled to Taiwan. I had put the earrings I have been wearing more frequently in it and the earrings that are more special to me. Then I can still wear earrings in the next few days and keep them close because they are special to me.
I don't usually buy many things, but I have a rather large collection of earrings. I have had earrings since I was five years old and in general, I have kept many of them over the years. Also, they are really easy to transport and they are fun for me. It's a little creative outlet for my physical appearance. That being said, I have bought multiple sets of really cool earrings in Korea and have been given several. I bought a pair while I was in Nami Island traveling with some good friends. The earrings remind me of the adventure and they look kind of like cherry blossoms and are handmade. My Korean mom had this beautiful pair she got in Mexico. Everytime she wore them, I commented on how wonderful they were and then she ended up giving them to me! She's truly one of the most wonderful people I think I have ever met.
So, I have been looking for this pouch off and on since I moved into to my temporary residence but I figured it would turn up. But, about 40 minutes ago I started actually looking. I tore through every bag I have each like three times. I started texting my friends to see if they could help me because maybe I had left it in my apartment some how. I started panicking. I started pacing. I had to keep telling myself to breathe because I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was definitely going to start crying. I know rationally they are just earrings, but there's a lot of sentimental value there. (I only mentioned two stories, there are many more pairs of earrings in this bag than that). I knew I was about to lose my shit.
I sat down and decided to work on something I could control. As I did so, my mind went to other things. And then, in the yarn bag beside the bed, I realized for some reason I might have put the pouch there. I did. It didn't seem like a place I would put them. It didn't make any sense at all for me to do so but somehow in the chaos of moving that's where they ended up. And now I feel really silly because I almost lost my shit over...welll, losing my shit.
It's understandable because I'm already emotional with the big move ahead and saying goodbye. These earrings were going to be a representation of my time in Korea and a physical reminder of some great times I have had here so it would have been devastating for me to have lost them. But, nothing in life is permanent and I have to learn that being sentimental is good and all but not to the extent of losing my shit. So now instead of taking a nap like I had planned, I stressed myself the hell out and need a drink. Luckily it's Friday and my friends are almost done with work so I can go drink and let off some steam.
There's no moral to the story. I just felt that maybe it was relatable and maybe I wasn't alone in losing my shit over something seemingly insignificant. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. I would love to hear your stories. And probably an hour or so from now, I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so dramatic.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Saying Goodbye
August 31st 2017
Saying Goodbye
I don't think anyone is actually any good at saying goodbye. (If you are, please tell me your secrets). With goodbye, comes change. Change is difficult and scary. While I don't have to say goodbye just yet, I'm sitting in my half packed up apartment in Korea struggling to finish the packing. If I finish, I have to say goodbye to my apartment and thus starts the snowball effect of goodbyes in the next week and a half. Somehow if I prolong the packing process, a small part of me feels like I don't have to begin that process just yet.
But inevitably, I will stop typing and finish packing. I will move my things to my temporary residence for a few days and I will have to say goodbye to this tiny apartment I called home for a year. It seems strange. All of this feels so surreal. It's almost like this whole year and whatever might come next has been a dream or something. I know that's not true, but I can't seem to shake whatever this feeling is.
I thought if I started typing maybe I could start to process through some of the grief that I'm feeling because that's really what I'm doing. I'm going through the waves of grief as I say goodbye to this new life I have built in Korea. There are so many moments where I have said that I don't actually want to leave. I know that I have to. (That's a much longer story for a different day). But living in South Korea has brought out new parts in me that I had no idea were there. It's helped me work through some identity issues. I have a better sense of myself. I know now more what I like and dislike. Though I still care so deeply about others, I've also started learning to love myself. This journey has been important and a beautiful part of my story, though difficult. It's scary to think about what comes after this.
But, just like every point of blind next steps, the trepidation of the unknown and the grieving of change, I must walk forward. I really think that's what it means to be brave. Being brave is being scared out of your mind and doing it anyway.
I know that my relationships will all start to change again. It makes me sad because I have made some amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people here. But I also know that I have some amazing people in the states waiting for my return and who knows what other people I might encounter in my next adventures.
Change is difficult. Learning how to balance the grief and the hope is a near impossible feat, but I think I'm starting to learn how to do that with a little more grace. Letting myself feel is part of that process. When I do, then I'm able to take another step forward and embrace change and reality.
I don't really have a huge point to hone in right now. I just needed to feel and work through some of these conflicting emotions. Blogging/writing helps me to do that. Thanks for reading.
Saying Goodbye
I don't think anyone is actually any good at saying goodbye. (If you are, please tell me your secrets). With goodbye, comes change. Change is difficult and scary. While I don't have to say goodbye just yet, I'm sitting in my half packed up apartment in Korea struggling to finish the packing. If I finish, I have to say goodbye to my apartment and thus starts the snowball effect of goodbyes in the next week and a half. Somehow if I prolong the packing process, a small part of me feels like I don't have to begin that process just yet.
But inevitably, I will stop typing and finish packing. I will move my things to my temporary residence for a few days and I will have to say goodbye to this tiny apartment I called home for a year. It seems strange. All of this feels so surreal. It's almost like this whole year and whatever might come next has been a dream or something. I know that's not true, but I can't seem to shake whatever this feeling is.
I thought if I started typing maybe I could start to process through some of the grief that I'm feeling because that's really what I'm doing. I'm going through the waves of grief as I say goodbye to this new life I have built in Korea. There are so many moments where I have said that I don't actually want to leave. I know that I have to. (That's a much longer story for a different day). But living in South Korea has brought out new parts in me that I had no idea were there. It's helped me work through some identity issues. I have a better sense of myself. I know now more what I like and dislike. Though I still care so deeply about others, I've also started learning to love myself. This journey has been important and a beautiful part of my story, though difficult. It's scary to think about what comes after this.
But, just like every point of blind next steps, the trepidation of the unknown and the grieving of change, I must walk forward. I really think that's what it means to be brave. Being brave is being scared out of your mind and doing it anyway.
I know that my relationships will all start to change again. It makes me sad because I have made some amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people here. But I also know that I have some amazing people in the states waiting for my return and who knows what other people I might encounter in my next adventures.
Change is difficult. Learning how to balance the grief and the hope is a near impossible feat, but I think I'm starting to learn how to do that with a little more grace. Letting myself feel is part of that process. When I do, then I'm able to take another step forward and embrace change and reality.
I don't really have a huge point to hone in right now. I just needed to feel and work through some of these conflicting emotions. Blogging/writing helps me to do that. Thanks for reading.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part VI - 60 Day Challenge
Learning to Love Myself: Part VI
60 Day Challenge
Well, it took more than 60 days because life happens, but I finally finished my 60 day challenge! I did 120 sit-ups today. I'm feeling super proud of myself. That's a pretty lofty goal and I completed it.
One thing that I didn't really plan for is, well....life. That's often something I forget to factor in my plans. But, rather than get frustrated at myself and just give up, I just said, "It's okay, life happens". So even though it took waaaaaay longer than 60 days, it didn't matter. I was still working toward my goal and also I was learning to be flexible and let life happen, as it does.
So, it seems I learned a lot about myself and life through this 60 days challenge. I definitely never thought I could do 120 sit ups essentially in a row, and I did. I am learning to be more flexible with myself and learning to be more compassionate with myself. And I'm learning to love myself in a way that allows me to take care of me in the midst of life. All of these things are really important. Thank you to those of you who have been cheering me on. I love you!
60 Day Challenge
Well, it took more than 60 days because life happens, but I finally finished my 60 day challenge! I did 120 sit-ups today. I'm feeling super proud of myself. That's a pretty lofty goal and I completed it.
One thing that I didn't really plan for is, well....life. That's often something I forget to factor in my plans. But, rather than get frustrated at myself and just give up, I just said, "It's okay, life happens". So even though it took waaaaaay longer than 60 days, it didn't matter. I was still working toward my goal and also I was learning to be flexible and let life happen, as it does.
So, it seems I learned a lot about myself and life through this 60 days challenge. I definitely never thought I could do 120 sit ups essentially in a row, and I did. I am learning to be more flexible with myself and learning to be more compassionate with myself. And I'm learning to love myself in a way that allows me to take care of me in the midst of life. All of these things are really important. Thank you to those of you who have been cheering me on. I love you!
Sunday, August 20, 2017
You Can't Handle the Truth
August 20th, 2017
"You can't handle the truth" is a phrase that is perpetually on my mind today. Most people would say that they want others to be honest with them right? Like, you want people to be straightforward. You want people to share their thoughts and feelings. You want people to be up front and you don't want to deal with people who lie and back pedal.
I'm calling bullshit.
In my experience, when I'm honest and upfront, people often shy away. They don't know how to handle it. Also, in my experience, most people aren't honest enough with themselves and then aren't honest with others either. This is something that I cannot comprehend. If you expect honesty, why aren't you, yourself honest? That's only logical, right? I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomena.
I came to the realization today that I'm just not like most people in this way and that's why I struggle. I am honest all the time and it gets me into trouble. Now, why is that? Why should I be in trouble for being honest with myself and others? Okay, okay, there is a good balance. I can be honest with myself and others but there is definitely a time and place for some truth. And I have learned this lesson the hard way multiple times. But, still, why are people so scared?
And what are they scared of? Being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do but it's also the most beautiful experiences I have had with people. Vulnerability is a true sign of strength and not weakness. Why do we think it's the opposite? Why do people think a rough exterior is the way to be? Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations of playing games with people? Life is way too short for that shit!
I was talking with a good friend of mine today about this. I was like, "shit, now I'm gonna have to start learning to play the game." My friend said, "Why?" And I realized she was right. I don't want to have to learn to play the game. This is not a good or fun game to play. If you wanna play cards or pool I will play in a heartbeat. But the life game is dumb and I refuse to play it.
Refusing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and others is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. And mostly it boils down to people being scared of themselves and others. I'm pretty sure living life the way I do is both stupid and amazing but like I said before life is too short. My favorite parts of life are watching people grow and being real with others. That's the life I want to choose even if it seems odd and a little stupid. I don't want to live scared.
But, can we please stop throwing the word honesty around flippantly? Most of the time people say, "I'm just trying to be honest" they aren't. It's a partial truth, maybe, and it's more about themselves than the other person. If you want real honesty then please use the word, but if you don't, can you stop pretending and realize you would rather be lied to and keep lying to yourself? It's really okay if you want to live your life that way, no judgment here. Just at least be honest about that part. It will make life a bit easier for everyone. If you can't handle the truth, just say so. It's really okay.
"You can't handle the truth" is a phrase that is perpetually on my mind today. Most people would say that they want others to be honest with them right? Like, you want people to be straightforward. You want people to share their thoughts and feelings. You want people to be up front and you don't want to deal with people who lie and back pedal.
I'm calling bullshit.
In my experience, when I'm honest and upfront, people often shy away. They don't know how to handle it. Also, in my experience, most people aren't honest enough with themselves and then aren't honest with others either. This is something that I cannot comprehend. If you expect honesty, why aren't you, yourself honest? That's only logical, right? I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomena.
I came to the realization today that I'm just not like most people in this way and that's why I struggle. I am honest all the time and it gets me into trouble. Now, why is that? Why should I be in trouble for being honest with myself and others? Okay, okay, there is a good balance. I can be honest with myself and others but there is definitely a time and place for some truth. And I have learned this lesson the hard way multiple times. But, still, why are people so scared?
And what are they scared of? Being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do but it's also the most beautiful experiences I have had with people. Vulnerability is a true sign of strength and not weakness. Why do we think it's the opposite? Why do people think a rough exterior is the way to be? Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations of playing games with people? Life is way too short for that shit!
I was talking with a good friend of mine today about this. I was like, "shit, now I'm gonna have to start learning to play the game." My friend said, "Why?" And I realized she was right. I don't want to have to learn to play the game. This is not a good or fun game to play. If you wanna play cards or pool I will play in a heartbeat. But the life game is dumb and I refuse to play it.
Refusing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and others is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. And mostly it boils down to people being scared of themselves and others. I'm pretty sure living life the way I do is both stupid and amazing but like I said before life is too short. My favorite parts of life are watching people grow and being real with others. That's the life I want to choose even if it seems odd and a little stupid. I don't want to live scared.
But, can we please stop throwing the word honesty around flippantly? Most of the time people say, "I'm just trying to be honest" they aren't. It's a partial truth, maybe, and it's more about themselves than the other person. If you want real honesty then please use the word, but if you don't, can you stop pretending and realize you would rather be lied to and keep lying to yourself? It's really okay if you want to live your life that way, no judgment here. Just at least be honest about that part. It will make life a bit easier for everyone. If you can't handle the truth, just say so. It's really okay.
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