Heavy, cold, clanking

The chains drag behind

Exhaustion ensues quickly

And continuously

Cannot stop, always rushing

Tepid metal rubbing, chaffing

Longing for freedom

From the willful chains

Wrapped all around me

What does it look like?   

To be free of these chains?

Wonder, imagine, dream

What a life that would be!

Magic, light, whimsical and bright

Could I ever be free?

Stepping toward what looks like freedom

Shattered

Sounds of breaking glass

Surprised at the wondrous sound

Swivel to see

Could it be real?

Revving into a speedy run

Airy, dancing fun

Unfolding space 

No more bounds

Smiling, joy, amazing fresh air

Peace

Sudden panic

Floating too high

Growing too fast

Upper limit

“Take a deep breath” 

A voice from within

“You can control it,

How fast, how high, it’s yours for the taking,

Just keep breathing and stay connected”

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale 

Exhale

Stillness. Peace. Gently floating.

Looking back it is clear as day

It was I who kept myself imprisoned

The arbitrary chains were in my imagination

Light & Dark

Necessary are light and dark
Both bring beauty, life
All are welcome here.

B

Your creative spirit surrounds my soul
uplifting my body
I stand a little taller
Capturing my attention
you bring me back to the moment
slowing down I can see the code
the matrix of the universe
gliding through reality
creatively playing with space, time and our bodies
your touch sparks the essence of my being
streams of energy flowing through my veins
exuding aliveness you tap into my flow
my chest expands with joy
the experience of connecting with a human
on this conscious level
reminds me to be

Ever

Nothing is permanent
everything will be
the journey is life
life is change
Nothing is permanent

Love is.
Becoming one's self
is the journey at play
play through life
Live love.

Repudiate

heavy
disheartened
my chest constricts
as my eyes try not to well up
thud...thud....thud
my heartbeat sounds
as though it can't trudge on
I gasp for air
realizing I forgot to breathe
trying not to sound disappointed
as I quickly get away
to crawl deep within myself
and hide for fear that it will catch up
if I hide in a hole
maybe then it won't find me
maybe then I can escape
the wretched grasp,
the grip of rejection

Expansion

a space inside expands
tingles start in my core
and extend to my extremities
my chest augments
lub dub....lub dub...lub dub
the sound almost audible
of my heart beating on
openness in the throat
tempting the vocal chords
to sing a chorus of alleluia
lightening of the head
lifting up as feathers in the wind
my whole body afloat
as if gravity couldn't touch me
this is how it feels to be one
with the universe
this is how it feels when
I love myself

Divorce

I was standing there
frozen
not really all that surprised
the arguing and dissension
had been happening for months
the waves of emotion
threatened to take over
but the void of numbness
overruled
Going back in time
I can hear the faint screams
"How can you not be crying?"
my sister begged for some emotion
my twelve-year-old self knew to stay strong
I couldn't change what was happening
Bravery and strength were what we needed

Now thirty, looking back
I see that brave little girl
she did what she knew to be best
and I love her for that
but something died inside her
the day her family fell apart

Vacuity

still
gravity bringing presence to within
deafeningly quiet
the unquenched desire unfulfilled
tears streaming
so many...will I drown?
Will I ever hear those cries
of fear and joy
will I see the growth
feel the smooth and the bruised
the vacant void that broods inside
my hand feels nothing against my stomach
the flood of emotions creep up
nagging at me to notice
the emptiness that comes
from being childless

Rush

Catching your gaze
as you quickly look away
brings a tingling feeling
to my abdomen.
Knowing I'm wanted
makes my heart swell.
Tiptoeing through conversations
like the most beautiful dance,
a work of art...flirting.
The most magical moment
is where you stop talking
completely distracted
unable to remember
what you were saying
simply because I stood up,
and you could barely breathe.

It

It is somewhere and nowhere
It is something to beware
For it seems to have no meaning
but perhaps it could be a being

It has many descriptions
It can give many convictions
It could have a lot of fame
if only it, had a name

Defining Moments - Part I - Christian do-gooder to Human Being

I had a defining moment last fall that was really big and personal for me. I had a witness who recently reminded me of the moment. I went back through our text messages to find this correspondence:

Friend: ...But yes you are strong. I'll always remember you sitting there holding my guitar after singing your song and saying out loud "I'm going to be alright". :-)

Me: Seriously that was such a beautiful moment for me. I will never forget that.

Me: I don't know what your beliefs are but God showed me a new side of him and how much he loves me in that moment. It will forever be embedded in my memory.
Me: Thanks for sharing it with me

Friend: I like felt honored to just watch you.

Me: Really?

Friend: Really

Me: Wow, I had no idea. I thought that moment was in my head but it seems like it was a moment for you too. Why did you feel honored?

Friend: Because it felt like a freeing moment for you. Like you opened up apart of yourself.

Me: I totally did. Wow. You saw that?

Friend: Mhm. It was cool to see you in that moment

Me: I have no words. I'm just smiling.

Friend: :-) :-) :-)

-------------------------------------------------

It was the end of summer or beginning of fall. I had traveled by subway in South Korea to go visit my transitional companion. (Neither of us liked the term, "friends with benefits", so I came up with my own term that I felt fit our situation much better). I was sitting in his living room on his couch mostly or fully naked. I looked over and saw his guitar. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but I imagine I asked him if I could play it. I picked up the guitar and tuned it. Being rusty and having not played in a long time, I started strumming my go-to song - "Better is One Day". It was the first song I learned how to play on guitar.

I played and sang along.
Here are the lyrics:

How lovely is your dwelling place
O Lord Almighty
For my soul longs and even faints for You
For here my heart is satisfied
Within Your Presence
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to you
I will draw near to you

I remember laughing at myself while playing with a huge smile on my face. It seemed ironic to be sitting naked and praising God simultaneously. It also seemed poetic, perfect and absolutely fitting. The second verse asks to see God's beauty and glory. I could see that in my story and in the moment at hand. I felt like I was sitting in his courts and in his presence. Not only was my body naked, but so was my soul. I was bare and completely my authentic, whole self. And it was good.

In the past year, I had gotten divorced, thrown myself into the online dating world where my heart got broken a few more times, tried new things, attempted to wrap my brain around church and God (or maybe rather was avoiding it), navigated a new culture, language and country, and was trying to figure out my next career path - All of it came to a halt. I was fully present and I could just be.

After I finished the song, I said, " I will be alright." I knew that everything was going to be okay despite the crazy year I had just experienced and the fact that I was getting ready to go back to the US and didn't know what was ahead. I had a brand new understanding of how much God loved me just as I am. It was provocative, thrilling, beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing beyond words. Something within me opened up just as my friend so aptly observed. It was a defining moment and a spectacular transition.

-------------------------------------------------

When I was younger, if I had heard of a naked girl playing guitar on the couch with a man she was not married to (and had only known for a few weeks) playing worship music, I probably would have thought that it was some kind of heresy. Like, how dare someone disgrace God in that way?!

In that moment, I deeply felt the words I had read nearly ten years ago for the first time and so often came back to my heart,  "God loves me as I am and not as I should be" - Brennan Manning.

I didn't have to be praying, reading my bible, or doing Christian good deeds. I didn't have to be helping someone. I didn't have to be a certain type of way. I didn't have to be sinless. I didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to be anything or do anything. I was a just a human being, sitting down in the presence of my friend and God. It was enough. I was enough. I was loved. I was accepted exactly where I was.

Freedom

Liberation

Peace

I gained a new perspective on myself, God and the world that day. It's like God gave me a glimpse through his eyes to see me as he does. There was love and not judgement. Just acceptance. Not just by God, but also for myself.

I tribute this experience to God. Some may say it's energy, the universe, epiphany, etc. It doesn't matter really how you see it. It just matters that it happened and it was real for me. It changed me. The defining moment brought me to a reality as a human. I will forever treasure this experience.

Learning to Love myself - Part VIII - Being Humans Togther

We often put too many expectations on relationships consciously and, more often, subconsciously. We idealize what our romantic partners, friends, and families should be. We romanticize it. We make it beyond human. The reality is people will fail us every time. Not because we can't have good moments. Not even because we want to and are malicious and evil but because we are merely human. We can't help but fail and disappoint. And too often we let our emotions of anger, resentment, outrage, disappointment and fear cloud our vision of love. This often prevents us from forgiving, extending grace and loving.

That's not to say that we should let others bulldoze their way through us. Not at all. Unless we are a whole person on our own, we cannot live functionally. I cannot expect my partner to fill the voids of my past. I cannot expect friends to be available every time I'm in need. That's not how real life works. But, as a whole person, I can accept my people as they are and not as they should be. I can forgive them when they make mistakes. I can extend grace when they have hurt me. I can share when I think they are out of line and have disappointed me. I can have realistic expectations in a relationship. With that beautiful and open communication, I can live in functional, real, true relationships because I first am a whole person who loves myself and knows how to do those things for me. If I can forgive myself, have grace for myself and call myself out when I'm being out of line in a loving way, I can do those things for others and not have an unhealthy need to fill some void through my relationships with other people.

It's too much pressure to put on a person when we expect them to fulfill dysfunctional expectations. That pressure can build over time and manifest itself in outrageous ways. The best thing to do is be honest with yourself and with your people. Know that your people will disappoint you. Know they will hurt you. Know they will not meet all of your expectations (especially if they aren't shared). Accept your people as they are and not as they should be. Love them. Forgive them. Extend grace to them. Accept them. That's all you really want, right? I know that's what I want. I know that I have often expected too much from those around me because of my own personal voids. To those, I'm deeply sorry. I'm slowly becoming a whole, imperfect person who is learning to love herself. With that, I can have more realistic expectations for myself and for my people. And no one person can be everything. That's why even when I find my life partner, he won't and can't be my everything. That's why community is so important. We all have needs, but no one person can fill all those needs all the time. And, if we don't love and accept ourselves for who we are, how can someone else?

Humans are messy. But, we are also so beautiful. The mess is part of the journey. I don't want to continue to make it harder than it already is. I'm gonna try my damnest to see people and love them as they are and know and accept that they will fail me. My fear of being abandoned and forgotten has driven me to do some crazy things. But that's part of my dysfunction that I can't keep putting on others. So, when I start to have those feelings of fear, I'm going to try to stop, listen to myself, figure out why I'm feeling the way I am and not react poorly towards the people who love me. It's not fair to them. My voids are not to be filled by them. But just as they are human, so am I. I will fail at this. And hopefully, I've surrounded myself with good people who will love me and forgive me and accept me where I am. I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself and those around me to be something that's beyond human. Let's all rest and be humans together.

What is Grace?

"What is grace? I know until you ask me; when you ask me, I do not know."
~ Saint Augustine

Dictionary.com gives several definitions:

noun

1.     elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action:

We watched her skate with effortless grace across the ice.

Synonyms: attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease, lissomeness, fluidity.

Antonyms: stiffness, ugliness, awkwardness, clumsiness; klutziness.

2.     a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment:

He lacked the manly graces.

3.     favor or goodwill.

Synonyms: kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension.

4.     a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:

It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.

Synonyms: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness.

Antonyms: animosity, enmity, disfavor.

5.     mercy; clemency; pardon:

He was saved by an act of grace from the governor.

Synonyms: lenity, leniency, reprieve.

Antonyms: harshness.

6.     favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.

7.

 an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied:

The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses.

Compare grace period.

verb (used with object), graced, gracing.

14.    to lend or add grace to; adorn:

Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house. Synonyms: embellish, beautify, deck, decorate, ornament; enhance, honor.

Antonyms: disfigure, desecrate, demean.

15.    to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.                   Synonyms: glorify, elevate, exalt.

Antonyms: disrespect, dishonor.

But I don't think most of these definitions do the word justice. (Though a combination of some of them start to get to the heart of how I think of grace #3, 4, & 5)  Grace has such a deep meaning to me. I realize that mostly this word is embedded in Christian culture. The word grace is often attributed to God. Some would define grace as "God giving us what we don't deserve". Now there's a lot of theology surrounding that and that's not really the reason I'm posting about grace but it does give me more of a starting point to talk about grace between humans. 

Thinking about extending grace to those around us is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Giving someone something they don't deserve, in the positive sense. Sometimes people don't "deserve" a second chance or maybe they "deserve" to be punished or treated a certain way based on their actions. Extending grace means giving them a pass, forgiving them for the action against you and extending love and understanding. It means to reach out and extend a bridge to meet the person where they stand.

Now I don't think that grace means letting people get away with everything and being a doormat. Grace is not allowing someone to repeatedly hurt you with no consequence. Grace is not about unhealthy relationships. I think that extending grace to a person is trying to understand from their perspective, accepting them as a human who makes mistakes and granting them love just as you would like to receive the same. 

In the moments where I have received grace...it's nearly indescribable. The amount of love and understanding I have felt in those moments is incredible. Knowing that I fucked up and another person is willing to meet me in my humanity and love me anyways...wow!!! It's a state of amazing compassion. To be loved through grace is one of the most astounding ways I think another can be loved.

Extending and receiving grace is one of the most beautiful parts of humanity. Sometimes it's in small ways and sometimes it's in really big ways. I would love to hear stories from those of you who have received and extended grace. 

Learning to Love Myself Part VII - Becoming my own Best Friend

Learning to Love Myself Part VII
Becoming my own Best Friend

I expect a lot from myself. In turn, I expect a lot out of others, less so than from myself but still a lot. Something I have come to realize though is that I can't ask others to love me if I don't know how to love myself. How can someone be my friend if even I don't like myself?

I have been practicing being compassionate with myself. I am changing how I talk to myself so that it is more positive and less degrading. I am learning to treat myself how I would treat my closest friends. It's not an easy thing. I am so harsh on myself because I'm always striving to be better. But what good is that if I'm not enjoying life along the way?

I have started practicing other things as well. I'm taking myself out. I have on occasion taken myself to the movies but I also took myself to a musical at Playhouse Square last week and will do so again next week. It's difficult for me to spend money on myself but I am learning to budget it in because it is important to treat myself with kindness.

I sing in the car and jam out to songs that I love even though I know others would look down on me for my song choices. Does it really matter if I love it and am having fun?

I am starting to give myself advice in a way that I would when talking to a dear friend. This allows me to see things more clearly and honestly. Plus talking to myself out loud has been a useful practice since I am an external processor. Trying to internally process is usually a nightmare and I tend to spiral.

Learning to love myself and befriend myself is an interesting journey. I'm starting to see why I've had difficulties with friendships in the past. No wonder some people struggled with this or that from my character...even I wouldn't like that in a friendship. But it also has taught me how amazing I am. I am both humbled and amazed by myself. It's strange. It's difficult. It's hard work but definitely worth doing.

No one can fulfill all the needs I have. Though I am still adamant that it takes a community to live a good, healthy and loving life, I have also learned that loving myself is part of that community and an important one. I can't really be happy with my life if I'm not even willing to be friends with myself.

This journey will continue and I hope to learn more and grow. But if nothing else, I'm learning that I can be friends with myself and that's a beautiful and amazing thing.

Losing my Shit

Nothing quite gets under my skin like when I have misplaced something and cannot find it anywhere. I'm the type of person who doesn't really lose anything. I remember where I put things and have a general understanding and organization of life around me.

Being in limbo and living out of suitcases for a few days doesn't help with knowing exactly where everything is right now, especially because I didn't pack like I normally do. Ordinarily, I pre plan how I will be packing and take my time and organize everything. For example, when I left for Korea, I spent weeks with suitcases on the floor in the dining room of the apartment, sorting through what I needed to bring and how heavy each suitcase would be.

As I have been learning to live life a bit more fully in my last couple of months here, I didn't take the time to pack well. I knew I wasn't moving far (just one floor up for a few days). Also, I didn't have that much to pack. I think when all is said and done I will have two checked bags, a carry-on and a back pack (at least that's my hope). So I knew it wouldn't take me all that long to pack up my apartment. I gave myself a day to do so. And I was right, it didn't take all that long.

However, I have had a difficult time remembering where I have put things because I packed so quickly. So over and over again in the past 24 hours or so, I have been scrounging around looking for things. Now, mostly I have been able to find things quickly and move on but it still has felt chaotic.

Until about 30 minutes ago. I have this little pouch with elephants on it that a dear friend gave to me when she traveled to Taiwan. I had put the earrings I have been wearing more frequently in it and the earrings that are more special to me. Then I can still wear earrings in the next few days and keep them close because they are special to me.

I don't usually buy many things, but I have a rather large collection of earrings. I have had earrings since I was five years old and in general, I have kept many of them over the years. Also, they are really easy to transport and they are fun for me. It's a little creative outlet for my physical appearance. That being said, I have bought multiple sets of really cool earrings in Korea and have been given several. I bought a pair while I was in Nami Island traveling with some good friends. The earrings remind me of the adventure and they look kind of like cherry blossoms and are handmade. My Korean mom had this beautiful pair she got in Mexico. Everytime she wore them, I commented on how wonderful they were and then she ended up giving them to me! She's truly one of the most wonderful people I think I have ever met.

So, I have been looking for this pouch off and on since I moved into to my temporary residence but I figured it would turn up. But, about 40 minutes ago I started actually looking. I tore through every bag I have each like three times. I started texting my friends to see if they could help me because maybe I had left it in my apartment some how. I started panicking. I started pacing. I had to keep telling myself to breathe because I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was definitely going to start crying. I know rationally they are just earrings, but there's a lot of sentimental value there. (I only mentioned two stories, there are many more pairs of earrings in this bag than that). I knew I was about to lose my shit.

I sat down and decided to work on something I could control. As I did so, my mind went to other things. And then, in the yarn bag beside the bed, I realized for some reason I might have put the pouch there. I did. It didn't seem like a place I would put them. It didn't make any sense at all for me to do so but somehow in the chaos of moving that's where they ended up. And now I feel really silly because I almost lost my shit over...welll, losing my shit.

It's understandable because I'm already emotional with the big move ahead and saying goodbye. These earrings were going to be a representation of my time in Korea and a physical reminder of some great times I have had here so it would have been devastating for me to have lost them. But, nothing in life is permanent and I have to learn that being sentimental is good and all but not to the extent of losing my shit. So now instead of taking a nap like I had planned, I stressed myself the hell out and need a drink. Luckily it's Friday and my friends are almost done with work so I can go drink and let off some steam.

There's no moral to the story. I just felt that maybe it was relatable and maybe I wasn't alone in losing my shit over something seemingly insignificant. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. I would love to hear your stories. And probably an hour or so from now, I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so dramatic.

Saying Goodbye

August 31st 2017

Saying Goodbye

I don't think anyone is actually any good at saying goodbye. (If you are, please tell me your secrets). With goodbye, comes change. Change is difficult and scary. While I don't have to say goodbye just yet, I'm sitting in my half packed up apartment in Korea struggling to finish the packing. If I finish, I have to say goodbye to my apartment and thus starts the snowball effect of goodbyes in the next week and a half. Somehow if I prolong the packing process, a small part of me feels like I don't have to begin that process just yet.

But inevitably, I will stop typing and finish packing. I will move my things to my temporary residence for a few days and I will have to say goodbye to this tiny apartment I called home for a year. It seems strange. All of this feels so surreal. It's almost like this whole year and whatever might come next has been a dream or something. I know that's not true, but I can't seem to shake whatever this feeling is.

I thought if I started typing maybe I could start to process through some of the grief that I'm feeling because that's really what I'm doing. I'm going through the waves of grief as I say goodbye to this new life I have built in Korea. There are so many moments where I have said that I don't actually want to leave. I know that I have to. (That's a much longer story for a different day). But living in South Korea has brought out new parts in me that I had no idea were there. It's helped me work through some identity issues. I have a better sense of myself. I know now more what I like and dislike. Though I still care so deeply about others, I've also started learning to love myself. This journey has been important and a beautiful part of my story, though difficult. It's scary to think about what comes after this.

But, just like every point of blind next steps, the trepidation of the unknown and the grieving of change, I must walk forward. I really think that's what it means to be brave. Being brave is being scared out of your mind and doing it anyway.

I know that my relationships will all start to change again. It makes me sad because I have made some amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people here. But I also know that I have some amazing people in the states waiting for my return and who knows what other people I might encounter in my next adventures.

Change is difficult. Learning how to balance the grief and the hope is a near impossible feat, but I think I'm starting to learn how to do that with a little more grace. Letting myself feel is part of that process. When I do, then I'm able to take another step forward and embrace change and reality.

I don't really have a huge point to hone in right now. I just needed to feel and work through some of these conflicting emotions. Blogging/writing helps me to do that. Thanks for reading.

Learning to Love Myself: Part VI - 60 Day Challenge

Learning to Love Myself: Part VI
60 Day Challenge

Well, it took more than 60 days because life happens, but I finally finished my 60 day challenge! I did 120 sit-ups today. I'm feeling super proud of myself. That's a pretty lofty goal and I completed it.

One thing that I didn't really plan for is, well....life. That's often something I forget to factor in my plans. But, rather than get frustrated at myself and just give up, I just said, "It's okay, life happens". So even though it took waaaaaay longer than 60 days, it didn't matter. I was still working toward my goal and also I was learning to be flexible and let life happen, as it does.

So, it seems I learned a lot about myself and life through this 60 days challenge. I definitely never thought I could do 120 sit ups essentially in a row, and I did. I am learning to be more flexible with myself and learning to be more compassionate with myself. And I'm learning to love myself in a way that allows me to take care of me in the midst of life. All of these things are really important. Thank you to those of you who have been cheering me on. I love you!

You Can't Handle the Truth

August 20th, 2017

"You can't handle the truth" is a phrase that is perpetually on my mind today. Most people would say that they want others to be honest with them right? Like, you want people to be straightforward. You want people to share their thoughts and feelings. You want people to be up front and you don't want to deal with people who lie and back pedal.

I'm calling bullshit.

In my experience, when I'm honest and upfront, people often shy away. They don't know how to handle it. Also, in my experience, most people aren't honest enough with themselves and then aren't honest with others either. This is something that I cannot comprehend. If you expect honesty, why aren't you, yourself honest? That's only logical, right? I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomena.

I came to the realization today that I'm just not like most people in this way and that's why I struggle. I am honest all the time and it gets me into trouble. Now, why is that? Why should I be in trouble for being honest with myself and others? Okay, okay, there is a good balance. I can be honest with myself and others but there is definitely a time and place for some truth. And I have learned this lesson the hard way multiple times. But, still, why are people so scared?

And what are they scared of? Being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do but it's also the most beautiful experiences I have had with people. Vulnerability is a true sign of strength and not weakness. Why do we think it's the opposite? Why do people think a rough exterior is the way to be? Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations of playing games with people? Life is way too short for that shit!

I was talking with a good friend of mine today about this. I was like, "shit, now I'm gonna have to start learning to play the game." My friend said, "Why?" And I realized she was right. I don't want to have to learn to play the game. This is not a good or fun game to play. If you wanna play cards or pool I will play in a heartbeat. But the life game is dumb and I refuse to play it.

Refusing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and others is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. And mostly it boils down to people being scared of themselves and others. I'm pretty sure living life the way I do is both stupid and amazing but like I said before life is too short. My favorite parts of life are watching people grow and being real with others. That's the life I want to choose even if it seems odd and a little stupid. I don't want to live scared.

But, can we please stop throwing the word honesty around flippantly? Most of the time people say, "I'm just trying to be honest" they aren't. It's a partial truth, maybe, and it's more about themselves than the other person. If you want real honesty then please use the word, but if you don't, can you stop pretending and realize you would rather be lied to and keep lying to yourself? It's really okay if you want to live your life that way, no judgment here. Just at least be honest about that part. It will make life a bit easier for everyone. If you can't handle the truth, just say so. It's really okay.

In and Out of Darkness

You know that moment in so many scenes in movies where the character(s) shake their heads and blink their eyes and somehow they have come out of some kind of trance? It might have been a magic spell or telepathic thing or whatever, but they are finally seeing clearly again or even for the first time. I feel like I'm constantly coming out of that state. Every step I take to learn more about myself and every day I learn more about the world and people around me. It's like I'm in a constant state of coming out of some sort of trance. Like I was blind and now I can see. Something was clouding my vision of a certain aspect of my life and now I see it clearly for the first time.

It's really disorienting. I cannot even begin to understand what it would feel like to be a person who was actually, physically blind and now can see but, I imagine that at first everything would seem super bright and ridiculously overwhelming.

I feel that kind of way nearly weekly at this point in my life. I know in a lot of ways it's a really great thing. It means I'm growing. It means I'm seeing myself more in reality and trying to make my best self. I can tell this is very beneficial for me.

But sometimes I really want it to stop. Like when will it stop being so overwhelming? When will I actually see the world for what it really is instead of continuously coming out of trances? It's almost like I keep waking up from a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream, etc. When will I wake up to reality? Will I be stuck in the Matrix forever?

.......................

I really wanted to end my post on that last question. It felt like an excellent moment to stop and just let all the questions linger and ponder about the world and life. But, it felt like I was leaving the impression of hopelessness and helplessness. That's not actually what I'm feeling. Actually, I am feeling a lot of hope. I see more light. I see the good that is happening in my heart and soul with all of these experiences. So, as much as I want it to stop, I don't really. As long as it takes, as many times as I have to wake up, I think that it will be worth it. In the end, I will have grown. I will have discovered more parts of myself and the world around me. I will be reaching my best self and then able to offer my best self to others. This is the journey and it's my beautiful, crazy, messed up, twisted story. I'm becoming. It's terrifying. It's liberating. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's agonizing. It's torture. It's glorious. I'm becoming and it feels amazing.

Learning to Love Myself: Part V

Learning to Love Myself: Part V

Dear 15-year-old Jessica,

The world is a lot different than you thought. Though you were open to the gray areas of life, you only stepped into the kiddie pool of that realm. It gets a lot deeper and a lot wider. It's okay that you didn't know, you were only 15. I know you like to think that you are a really mature 15-year-old and you might be, but there's still a lot more to learn. And the reality is, some of the black and white things in your life kept you safe. It gave you structure when you needed it in the midst of a really chaotic world. It gave you what you needed at the time and that's okay. But,15-year-old Jessica, you were wrong about a lot of things. I know that's a weird thing to hear and you probably knew that but really it's okay. As a 29-year-old, you have lived a bit more life. You have been able to learn more about the world and how the gray area is okay. Letting go of the structure has been the hardest part for you but really the structure is no longer keeping you safe and it's just preventing you from being the amazing woman you could be. It's grounding you instead of enabling you to fly. So, dearest 15-year-old me, I'm going to have to let go of your precious, beautiful voice. You have given me some great things, but I need a new voice. I need one that will let me fly instead of holding me back. I will look back on you with fondness and not with judgment because you see, if I look at you with that judgment, well that's your voice and not the new voice I'm trying to find. So, goodbye 15-year-old Jessica. You will be well remembered, but you cannot stay in my inner circle any longer. I have to move on and say goodbye.

Yours,
29-year-old Jessica

I know this might seem a very bizarre post, however, it has been an interesting thing to discover in my counseling sessions. Many of the voices in my head are not my own. The voices that are there have kept me safe at different points in my life and were great tools at the time but I am a different person with many different life circumstances, so I'm learning to name the voices that are there and start to differentiate what needs to be said more to me now. I realized that one of those voices was my very own but from when I was much younger. If 15-year-old could see me now, she would be saying, "What the hell are you doing with your life?" And, I have to let that voice go because it isn't helpful and I've grown past needing that voice. I'm a much different person now.