Jessica's Christmas List

1. Give her a call, wish her a Merry Christmas and ask her about her life.
2. Mail her a letter
3. Share with her how you have impacted her life. or she yours.
4. Send a year end gift to InterVarsity for her ministry.
5. Pray with her and for her.
6. A gift card to Kohls (she could use a winter coat and shoes)
7. Begin texting her once a month to check in with her.
8. Don’t assume she’s too busy to talk to. She really does want to hear from you.
9. If you see her, give her a hug.
10. Sing her a Christmas carol on her voicemail.
11. Pay off her student loans. :-)
12. A new car.
13. Tell her you love her.
14. Ask her to pray with you for something specific. 
15. Send her your favorite scripture.

Click here to view my newest prayer letter.

My life has consisted of my handy-dandy to-do lists. I always have at least one or maybe ten. I can't remember when I started writing my lists but as far back as I can remember, I at least had them going through my head. I will even admit that as a child, I would play school. I even had a to-do list for that.

Make a grade book. Check
Create Math test. Check
Administer test. Check
Grade tests. Check
Put grades in grade book. Check.

(Okay, so I probably didn't use the word administer, but you get the idea.) I have always been a heavily task oriented person. As I got older, the list got longer. In high school, there was always another scholarship to apply for, another essay to write for a college, o, and you can't forget to study for the AP English exam. In college, well, I was a music education major… for many of you, that's enough said. For those of you who don't know, well… here's a brief picture of my fall semester of sophomore year.

• Foundations of Education- projects, projects, tests, projects
• Applied music: Voice - must practice at least a half hour every day
• Keyboard Harmony II- must practice at least a half hour every day
• Music Theory II- projects, projects, fun learning
• Aural Skills II- must be able to sight read given just one cue from the piano, for me that meant I should practice at least an hour everyday (this class was hard)
• Applied Music: Flute - my primary instrument so I should be practicing 1-2 hours daily
• String Methods- my worst instruments but should practice at least a half hour every day
• Instrumental Ensemble: Flute- probably should practice…but see above (is there time?)
• Symphonic/Marching Band- took up lots of time but…never practiced because well…it's marching band, I have to get ready for my recital and this music is not really all that hard. And six Saturdays of the semester I have to take up about 8 hours of my day for a football game.
• Music History and Literature I- well I need to know by just hearing a snip bit of like at least 100 pieces the composer, time period, and title of the song by the end of the semester
• Introduction to Theology - o and right, I go to a Christian school and have to get my Bible credit in. yippy!
• Must attend at least 8 recitals (one being an orchestra credit)
• Instrumental Studio - play your piece in front of your peers and get critiqued and oh right, it's always on Fridays at 3pm.

(and by the way, the last two points…you don't actually get any credit for but you have to attend)

And that was just my school life. Not to mention I started leading a Bible study and had to keep up with all my friends, eat, and sleep.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. I loved every minute of this. My time in college was amazing. Even though it was a lot, it was great. My point is…there was an unending to-do list that just kept getting longer and longer.

But the end of the semester would hit and the lists would be all checked off and a break would ensue. However, life after college isn't quite that way. The lists never actually end. There are bills to pay, rooms to clean, papers to put away, planning for next semester, phone calls to make, keeping in touch with everyone all the time because I have unrealistic expectations of myself and believe I have to be the best friend ever by keeping in touch with everyone I basically ever talked to in college.

Tired yet?

But wait…there's more!? Well, my to-do list for God. I have to make sure I pray for this person because they need___. O, and don't forget to work on your passive aggressive behavior because that has got to go. Read your Bible. Pray. Worship. Write more music for God. Spend at least 15 minutes in silence. Don't forget to witness to that person who definitely needs Jesus. Go talk to your neighbors. Don't forget to continue to work on hard relationships in your life. Let's work on receiving love. Make sure you figure out that theology stuff you don't really understand. Haven't you read the whole Bible like 1200 times yet? Didn't you do an in depth study on the book of Numbers to better understand the history? Don't forget to NOT worry because God is in control and you're not. Ah you didn't journal yet today?!

Tired yet?

O wait…there's more. When I wasn't dating. When am I going to find mister right? O is this him? God what do you want me to do here? I think I like him but I am not really sure this is the plan you have for me. He's not…(insert lame-ass excuse). O, did I just cuss…damn it. O right… And now I have found him. How do I become the perfect girlfriend, now fiancé, now wife? God, I haven't done everything on my to-do list today. I have all this guilt. How am I going to get it all done? What am I supposed to be doing.

doing

doing

doing

Tired yet?

I have run myself into the road doing all the time and all the things. I finally have a break and I continued to worry about all the things and my future and what's next and again…I make myself exhausted.

Until one day…

A dear friend of mine suggested that I take a week to fast from decision making.

What? How is that even possible? I mean okay…there are some things I have to decide like what clothes to put on and if I work out today but really other than that, not too much actually has to be decided right now. I am actually in the middle of this fast of not making decisions and not really working on a to-do list and not allowing myself to feel guilty for not getting things done (well…trying) and you know what?

I learned something. I finally understand what God has been trying to teach me for so very very long.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!

He loves me just as I am. Even if I don't make any decisions. Even if I don't do anything on my to-do list. Even if I don't remember to blog on a consistent basis. (sorry about that…wait no I am not…no more guilt remember?) Even if I make the worst possible decisions ever. God loves me just as I am and He delights in me.

Now, this is something you probably have heard me say to you. But I want you to know that it is one thing to understand this on an intellectual level and a whole other to understand on a heart level. Today, I am free. No more guilt, no more shame, no more wretched to-do lists.

Instead…

There's freedom.
Love
Peace
A privilege to sit in the presence of the creator of the whole world and hear how he delights in me
Grace
Joy
An honor to love others as I have been loved
A joy to share with others about my Holy Father if the Spirit leads me and the timing is right

In this busy world we live in…we create it ourselves. No more lame-ass excuses. My to-do lists may help me be organized and at times they have been a good and healthy thing. They aren't if they are running my life and causing me shame, guilt, anxiety, and the feeling of being trapped.

I get it….I don't have to do anything. I just have to be who God created me to be and that...is easy.

I am still very much a work in progress and will probably forget this very concept on a minute by minute basis. Will you help me remember when I forget?

I already forgot…what am I supposed to remember…o shoot. I know it was really important. Dang it. (Silently beating self up…)

O right…no more shame and guilt. I am free because I have Christ.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!!

What about you? What would it look like for you to be free? What type of fast could help you internalize the truth that God is trying to share with you? What are you feeling trapped by these days?


[p.s. I was going to go back and do a whole bunch of editing to clean up this post and make it better but then I realized that that defeats the purpose of the lesson I just learned, so I let it be. There is a time for excellence…now is not that time. Enjoy!]

Shortly after I posted this, I ate a Dove chocolate. Thanks Jesus :-)

Our Eyes Fixed Ahead

Ahead, there is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I guess it is not really a thing, but something so indescribable. The beauty is so radiant; it's nearly blinding. It draws me in. I find myself gravitating towards the greatness. How did I get here? I was sitting and now I am walking toward the awesome scene almost involuntarily but I know that I have a choice. The light seems to be calling my name and guiding me toward the greatest adventure of my life. The excitement and joy seems to be streaming out of every pore of my body. I am overwhelmed with an incredible warmth from within. It feels like...love, but not what the world describes as love. This is a greater and more pronounced. I have never felt more loved or more whole or more content. I am still. I am me. My eyes are fixed on what lies ahead. Nothing can stop me.

Around, I start to become aware. The ugliness that seems to surround me. Above is grey, dark, and empty. To the left is dismay, destruction, and death. Look out! To the right there is a huge wave coming to take me out. Wait, where am I? Down, am I really walking on water? Right, that wave is going to come and consume me! Now I am falling down, down, down, deeper and deeper. I can't breathe. Overwhelmed. Struggling. Trying to get myself up out of this mess. Why didn't I see this before? What was I thinking trying to walk on water? What was I doing?

Fading, I remember faintly. That grand light. I see a glimpse of it now. What's that? A hand. Air starts to fill my longs as the water rushes past me. I am out of the water. I can breathe again. This man standing in front of me reminds me of the beauty I saw before. Why is he here...no wait, I do not even have to ask that question because I just know. He is here to save me. He pulled me out of the water. I am safe again. The sensation of love quickly returns to my entire being.

Behind, I see. This seems all too familiar. This is not the first time this has happened. Flashes of the same scene over and over again appear.  The man looks at me with penetrating eyes. I feel naked. He can see right through me. Guilt starts to creep in as I remember how many times this man has rescued me from the overwhelming, consuming waves. Doesn't he get tired of pulling me out of the mess I created for myself? I am the one who got distracted. I am the one who removed my focus and my gaze from the beautiful greatness ahead.

Stop. The man does not say a word and yet I know he means for me to be still and just gaze into his eyes. The guilt flees from my soul. I am forgiven. I am loved through and through. He sets my feet back into place, ready to continue on the journey ahead. No more worry. No more consumption. No more distractions. The greatness and beauty are ahead. I must find others to come along with me. I must show them the tremendous work that is ahead. Look! Do you see? We must go together.

Onward, our eyes fixed ahead.

Growing Pains

In my childhood, I remember nights where my sister would be in agony because her legs hurt intensely.  I did not experience this myself, but some children experience incredible growing pains during their growth spurts. Lately, I have been going through a growth spurt. Now, I haven't grown an inch since I was like 14 (aka for like ten years), however, I have been growing spiritually.

God has been taking me deeper and calling me more toward himself to renew my mind, my emotions, my spirit, and even my physical self. I have been reading this book called, When People are Big and God is Small (I mentioned this in my last post). God is revealing to me how I have let people control me by believing I need their love, respect, and approval to function in everyday life. My friend needs to compliment me on this new shirt I bought, or I won't wear it again. That stranger needs to hold the door open for me or I am not worth anything. My boyfriend needs to text me back right now or he is ignoring me and doesn't love me. Etc... LIES!!!! Scripture tells us that I only need God's love and approval.  Proverbs 29:25 (NIV) says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Or as the NLT puts it, "Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety."

I have begun the long process of allowing God to transform my heart and renew my mind so that I can be grounded in his truths instead of mine or the world's.  I know that this is going to be a life-long journey but currently I have been going through a growth spurt. All of this is so new and exciting. His truths are taking root and I am being set free from things I have allowed myself to be trapped by my entire life.  But as I mentioned earlier, huge growth spurts come with growing pains. Along with this freedom has come different areas of entrapment. Satan is upset about this growth spurt and knows that it is detrimental to him so he is coming in the midst of it all to kill, steal and destroy. I have felt trapped by emotions.  My joy seems to have disappeared.  I have huge cycles almost on a daily basis of being depressed and not wanting to do anything.  I want to burst into tears for no apparent reason. It is much deeper and harder than to just say I will overcome. I seek God and beg him to help me because I don't know how to help myself or even know how to come through these bouts of negativity.

John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."

Do you see what God is trying to tell us? First of all, we should be expecting that Satan is going to come to steal our peace, kill our joy, and to destroy us.  That's a given when we are living in Christ. But second and most important, God sent his son so that we can LIVE life to the FULL!!! Yes, I am hurting. Yes this pain is excruciating at times. But when I look at the bigger picture, I really am going through a growth spurt. I am learning, growing, and being transformed. The pain that comes with that is just a growing pain.  In my kid sister's perspective, the physical pain she had growing up was the worst pain she had ever felt but now she doesn't have to endure that pain anymore because she is fully grown.  The pain that I am enduring right now through this growth spurt, is temporary. When I remember that, it doesn't seem so bad and I have hope and can again claim the truths that set me free.  The pain comes and blinds me from the bigger picture and the truth but really I will be able to live life fully by continuing to grow and persevere through this storm.

So where are you in this midst of this story? Are you afraid to even begin to grow because you know the growing pains that will come with it? I promise you it is worth it.  Are you growing and God is calling you deeper and you're not sure if you want to? I promise you it is worth it. Are you in the midst of growing pains along with me? I know we can make it and it will be worth it. Are you just past a growth spurt? Wasn't it worth it? Guard your heart and prepare for the next one.  God is here in our midst and he is raising us up, transforming us so that we will help transform the world. Are you willing to endure the growing pains so you can live life to the fullest? I know I am.

Frightening Reality

My mind is blown away today by this book I am reading, "When People are Big and God is Small".  Our culture has redefined what spirituality is and what a relationship with God looks like. Here is a summary of the last chapter I just read, "These assumptions (from our culture today) have infected the church: the self as more important than community, the self as good, the exaltation of feelings and needs, and spirituality that is divorced from the death and resurrection of Jesus and a lifestyle of faith and obedience." This means that we focus on ourselves, look to our emotions for truth, say, 'screw you,' to community, believe that good dwells within us from ourselves, believe that there is some mystery in the world like God or something, and Jesus has nothing to do with anything! This is appalling to me not just because it's true of the world I live in but because many of these things cut to my core as well.  

For instance, I exalt my feelings constantly. My feelings are a huge part of who I am. I talk about them all the time. I journal and pray to God about them. I share them with others. I base most of my decisions on my feelings. "I don't feel like eating what's in my fridge, I'll get take out." or "I don't feel like reading so let's waste away in front of the tv" or "I don't feel like trying to meet my neighbors so I will just skype with my boyfriend instead"  What does this leave me with though? I find a higher authority in my feelings than God himself?!? Ouch! That is the reality of it. By basing my everyday life on my feelings, I completely leave Jesus out of the picture. I look to myself for truth and understanding just based on a feeling. I will be honest and share with you that much of last semester I really struggled with my time with God because I didn't feel his presence. I ended up distancing myself from him because I was upset for the feeling that I was missing. That's not Biblical at all! I am supposed to live by faith in Jesus Christ. That means praying and reading my Bible even if I don't feel like it. It means seeking God even when I don't feel His presence. It means to seek out guidance from others and actually adhere to what they say instead of looking to myself to see if I feel like I agree with them.

This is some hard truth. I have a lot of reevaluating to do. How much of life is comprised of things that culture says verse what the Bible says and what God says? It's a frightening reality. AND I just shared with you only one of the hard realities from this chapter! Imagine the other things our culture has imbedded us with that has nothing to do with Jesus Christ and we claim as truth for ourselves! 

I want to join together in community and claim the truth that we know from Scripture. I want to share with people about who Jesus really is and not the psycho-babble we have come up with as a culture (even among Christians). I don't really know what this looks like. This is my first exploration of some of these ideas. I would love to learn with you.  Let's figure out what this means together. Will you investigate with me and work towards shifting ideas in our culture?

A New Beginning

It's the start of a new year and here I have been sitting moping around not ready for anything to begin. I thought about what it is that brings me joy and energy and I continued to be stuck in this funky mood not excited about anything. I finally started journaling to try and talk to God about what has been going on. I realized what I love to do is help people and pour into their lives. Here begins one of my projects for the new year. I am going to write to you all at least on a weekly basis about whatever is going on in my life and hopefully it will be helpful, perhaps entertaining or maybe even convicting.  I am not really sure what God has in store for this but I do know that God has given me lots to share.

Here's what it is on my heart right now:

I read Leviticus 1 and 2 today. These chapters are about offering up sacrifices to the Lord. It is very descriptive about the procedures that go into sacrifices. One of the most crucial things is that whatever the sacrifice it is, it has to be of the best that you have. So if you are sacrificing an animal, it has to be one without blemish.  The best of the best. The one that you would want to save for yourself to breed or to eat or whatever.  I was thinking about how that applies to my life.  Do I really give Jesus the best of my best? Do I really give 10% of my earnings with a cheerful heart?  Honestly, I do give, it's not exactly 10% and it's set up to just be taken out of my account every month so I don't have to worry about it. I am happy to give but I rarely even think about the fact that I am. Is that really giving the best of my best then? Shouldn't I want to strive to give even more than 10%?  I think that I do so I am going to do my best to get rid of my debt so I can give more and more.  

But money is just part of what God asks of me. What about my time?  Yes, I am in full time ministry and yes I go to church. Is that really the best of my best? Am I doing so with a cheerful heart? Do I go into everyday with a cheerful heart ready to give God my best?  Absolutely not. I often wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I will sleep in to the last minute and then not have time for my daily devotion or prayer in the morning. I will go into the day crabby and not really desiring to do whatever is on my to do list.  Is that serving God? Not really. If I just go into the day with an apathetic attitude trying to just check things off my list I am not really living my life for the Almighty Creator, the God of heaven and earth, the Prince of Peace, My Savior.  

Now, I am doing a heart check. God has given me so many gifts and abilities and I feel as though I have been wasting them. I am now trying to come up with creative ways to serve others and God in my daily life instead of just trying to figure out the big picture stuff.  I want to give God the best of my best.  I am starting by spending time with Him, writing this blog, and figuring out ways to get connected in my community.  I already feel a little better knowing that I am not just going to sit around my apartment wasting away waiting for whatever is next and doing nothing else. God has given me life to live! I want to live with great joy and bring honor to God. 

What about you? Are you giving the best of the best to God on a daily basis? What needs to look different in your life? What can you do even today?