Make a grade book. Check
Create Math test. Check
Administer test. Check
Grade tests. Check
Put grades in grade book. Check.
(Okay, so I probably didn't use the word administer, but you get the idea.) I have always been a heavily task oriented person. As I got older, the list got longer. In high school, there was always another scholarship to apply for, another essay to write for a college, o, and you can't forget to study for the AP English exam. In college, well, I was a music education major… for many of you, that's enough said. For those of you who don't know, well… here's a brief picture of my fall semester of sophomore year.
- Foundations of Education- projects, projects, tests, projects
- Applied music: Voice - must practice at least a half hour every day
- Keyboard Harmony II- must practice at least a half hour every day
- Music Theory II- projects, projects, fun learning
- Aural Skills II- must be able to sight read given just one cue from the piano, for me that meant I should practice at least an hour everyday (this class was hard)
- Applied Music: Flute - my primary instrument so I should be practicing 1-2 hours daily
- String Methods- my worst instruments but should practice at least a half hour every day
- Instrumental Ensemble: Flute- probably should practice…but see above (is there time?)
- Symphonic/Marching Band- took up lots of time but…never practiced because well…it's marching band, I have to get ready for my recital and this music is not really all that hard. And six Saturdays of the semester I have to take up about 8 hours of my day for a football game.
- Music History and Literature I- well I need to know by just hearing a snip bit of like at least 100 pieces the composer, time period, and title of the song by the end of the semester
- Introduction to Theology - o and right, I go to a Christian school and have to get my Bible credit in. yippy!
- Must attend at least 8 recitals (one being an orchestra credit)
- Instrumental Studio - play your piece in front of your peers and get critiqued and oh right, it's always on Fridays at 3pm.
(and by the way, the last two points…you don't actually get any credit for but you have to attend)
And that was just my school life. Not to mention I started leading a Bible study and had to keep up with all my friends, eat, and sleep.
Now, don't get the wrong idea. I loved every minute of this. My time in college was amazing. Even though it was a lot, it was great. My point is…there was an unending to-do list that just kept getting longer and longer.
But the end of the semester would hit and the lists would be all checked off and a break would ensue. However, life after college isn't quite that way. The lists never actually end. There are bills to pay, rooms to clean, papers to put away, planning for next semester, phone calls to make, keeping in touch with everyone all the time because I have unrealistic expectations of myself and believe I have to be the best friend ever by keeping in touch with everyone I basically ever talked to in college.
Tired yet?
But wait…there's more!? Well, my to-do list for God. I have to make sure I pray for this person because they need___. O, and don't forget to work on your passive aggressive behavior because that has got to go. Read your Bible. Pray. Worship. Write more music for God. Spend at least 15 minutes in silence. Don't forget to witness to that person who definitely needs Jesus. Go talk to your neighbors. Don't forget to continue to work on hard relationships in your life. Let's work on receiving love. Make sure you figure out that theology stuff you don't really understand. Haven't you read the whole Bible like 1200 times yet? Didn't you do an in depth study on the book of Numbers to better understand the history? Don't forget to NOT worry because God is in control and you're not. Ah you didn't journal yet today?!
Tired yet?
O wait…there's more. When I wasn't dating. When am I going to find mister right? O is this him? God what do you want me to do here? I think I like him but I am not really sure this is the plan you have for me. He's not…(insert lame-ass excuse). O, did I just cuss…damn it. O right… And now I have found him. How do I become the perfect girlfriend, now fiancé, now wife? God, I haven't done everything on my to-do list today. I have all this guilt. How am I going to get it all done? What am I supposed to be doing.
doing
doing
doing
Tired yet?
I have run myself into the road doing all the time and all the things. I finally have a break and I continued to worry about all the things and my future and what's next and again…I make myself exhausted.
Until one day…
A dear friend of mine suggested that I take a week to fast from decision making.
What? How is that even possible? I mean okay…there are some things I have to decide like what clothes to put on and if I work out today but really other than that, not too much actually has to be decided right now. I am actually in the middle of this fast of not making decisions and not really working on a to-do list and not allowing myself to feel guilty for not getting things done (well…trying) and you know what?
I learned something. I finally understand what God has been trying to teach me for so very very long.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!
He loves me just as I am. Even if I don't make any decisions. Even if I don't do anything on my to-do list. Even if I don't remember to blog on a consistent basis. (sorry about that…wait no I am not…no more guilt remember?) Even if I make the worst possible decisions ever. God loves me just as I am and He delights in me.
Now, this is something you probably have heard me say to you. But I want you to know that it is one thing to understand this on an intellectual level and a whole other to understand on a heart level. Today, I am free. No more guilt, no more shame, no more wretched to-do lists.
Instead…
There's freedom.
Love
Peace
A privilege to sit in the presence of the creator of the whole world and hear how he delights in me
Grace
Joy
An honor to love others as I have been loved
A joy to share with others about my Holy Father if the Spirit leads me and the timing is right
In this busy world we live in…we create it ourselves. No more lame-ass excuses. My to-do lists may help me be organized and at times they have been a good and healthy thing. They aren't if they are running my life and causing me shame, guilt, anxiety, and the feeling of being trapped.
I get it….I don't have to do anything. I just have to be who God created me to be and that...is easy.
I am still very much a work in progress and will probably forget this very concept on a minute by minute basis. Will you help me remember when I forget?
I already forgot…what am I supposed to remember…o shoot. I know it was really important. Dang it. (Silently beating self up…)
O right…no more shame and guilt. I am free because I have Christ.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!!
What about you? What would it look like for you to be free? What type of fast could help you internalize the truth that God is trying to share with you? What are you feeling trapped by these days?
[p.s. I was going to go back and do a whole bunch of editing to clean up this post and make it better but then I realized that that defeats the purpose of the lesson I just learned, so I let it be. There is a time for excellence…now is not that time. Enjoy!]
Shortly after I posted this, I ate a Dove chocolate. Thanks Jesus :-)
