Learning to Love Myself: Part I
Well, during my first counseling session, I dove in head first and discovered that I haven't loved myself. Like, if I were to ask myself the question, "Do you love yourself?", the answer would not be yes...at all. This is a hard, very sad thing to realize, but it is truth.
So, I thought for my first step in trying to love myself I would write myself a letter like how I would write my friends a letter in this given situation. I love to love on others and give affirmation and encouragement. I just don't know how to do it for myself. I have the skills to do it, so here's my first attempt.
Dearest Jessica,
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It sucks that you have to go through a divorce. There's not really any other thing to say about that. It's okay cry. It's okay to decompress. It's okay to avoid your feelings at times. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be numb. There's no right way to go through this process. Just take your time and do what you need to do.
Jessica, you are enough. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are not in the way. These are truths you need to hear over and over and over again. These are things you should start to say to yourself when you can. Until you can, I will say them to you. They are true. You are amazing. You are worthy of great love. You are talented and lovely. Know that I believe in you.
Giving you advice seems unhelpful at this juncture. I don't think there's anything you can do or I can do to fix it. As sucky and cliche as it sounds, healing takes time. And that really is OKAY. Have grace for yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need to stick to your 10 point plan. You don't have to revise it and make a new one over night. Just be. I know that's really hard, but it is important especially now. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not have it all figured out. Jessica, it's okay that not everything is okay. You don't have to be put together for everyone. No one expects you to be perfect. You don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.
As much as you love to be needed, it's okay that you need others right now. People love you and want to take care of you. It's okay to let them do that. It's okay to let others know what you need. It's okay to not really be able to offer much back sometimes. Relationships aren't a score-keeping game. You don't have to win by out giving everyone around you. It's not a game! Just let others take care of you. It's okay.
Jessica, you have an interesting, amazing, horrifying, beautiful mosaic of a story. It's molded you into this beautiful person both inside and out. Yes, there are things about you that aren't perfect, but I love you just as you are and not as you should be. Stop striving so much. Live a little. Let yourself be loved for once. And know that that love doesn't come with strings attached. You are worthy just as you are with nothing to offer. You don't have to be helpful. You don't have to do anything. I love you in your darkest moments. It really is okay to have dark moments.
Thank you for loving people around you deeply. Even if they don't say it or sometimes even know it, they appreciate you. You aren't in the way. You give others so much. Just stop for a little bit and love yourself for awhile. You're gonna be okay. The questions don't need to be answered right now. There doesn't need to be a plan. Be still. Be loved. You are enough.
Love,
Jessica
And now....all the tears. I knew my words can be powerful to others and often to myself when speaking to others, but I never really thought about speaking to myself in the same way. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone but myself, but I'm so glad I started writing tonight. It's a great step in healing and these are definitely words I need to hear right now.
Thanks for listening (I mean reading) and taking part in my journey.
Monday, May 8, 2017
Friday, May 5, 2017
Hard Truths about myself and the Hope that is in the Journey
It's amazing to me how the moment I start to give up all hope and want to throw in the towel how God intervenes. Or maybe it's just a moment where I'm able to see more clearly what has been going on all along. I'm not going to pretend I know how God works. That's something I've been discovering over and over again that God is much more than the God I was taught and sometimes a lot different than what I was taught or even thought for myself. So, that being said, I don't know the ways of God. I can't even begin to comprehend how he works or all the things about him. All I do know are the experiences I have and the moments where I just have this gut feeling that he is there and he is working.
Recent events in my life have been... well, there's no better way to say this than "Royally Fucked Up". Going through a divorce is tough. The circumstances of mine are rather interesting. He just didn't know he didn't want to be married until after the fact. I'm not going to pretend that any of that is okay, but I'm also not going to berate him on social media. It is what it is and I have to move on. I don't think I'll ever regret marrying him. He has made me a better person.
Then, for whatever reason, I decided to get on Tinder. Now, I know that in the United States there's an interesting stigma that goes on with having a Tinder account. It's like everyone's secret of shame or something because it is mostly known as the "hook up" online dating application. But, being in a different country, makes it more difficult to meet someone. Most people have a type, mine happens to not be Korean guys. I have met some amazing Korean people, but I'm not attracted to Korean men. I will be honest and brave enough to say that I have a thing for black guys with a cute smile. I met a guy. We started hanging out and spending a lot of time together. Basically we were dating without the title because well, on paper, I'm still married. I find it to be a formality at this point and nothing more, but I get how that can be a deterrence to someone who might be interested in me.
I thought I was falling in love. But really, I was in love with the attention I was getting. I'd been waiting my whole life for someone to call me beautiful and want to touch me and love on me in ways that were just not there before. So, I do what girls do....well what I do. I ran in head first and expected a fairy tale. Imagine that, no such thing occurred. I got my heartbroken for the second time in 2017. Again, I'm not about to post all the details on social media. Again, I don't regret the experience one bit. We had a lot of fun. It's just not what I thought it was going to be.
So at this point, I'm like wow. What's the point of life? Really my life has been one disappointment after another. I know I'm a dreamer. I know I have wildly high expectations for myself and often others. Maybe it's time to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and get a better glimpse of some reality. Stop living in the clouds and clearly decide what it is that I want out of life. Can I really have it all? Probably not. So what are the most important pieces?
Well, for most of my life my plan has revolved around a man. And coming from a feminist who believes women are more than baby makers and house cleaners that sounds strange and irritating to even myself. But when faced with the hard truth...well, I have been that boy crazy girl. I don't like admitting that. In fact, it pains me to admit it and it makes me really sad, but it's true. So now I've been sitting in heartache and pain. Maybe I got my fairy tale already and it's over. How can I think I would get another one? But, was it really a fairy tale then? Well, the beginning definitely was but soon fizzled into not. But, what are fairy tales anyway? And why am I planning my life around a man anyway? What do I really want out of life? Can I take a different approach and let my dreams go?
As you can see, I've had many, many questions in the last couple of months. Those are just some of them. And then something interesting happened. I started to say some of this out loud and then proceeded to get back on Tinder. I was fully aware of the craziness of that. But, I felt like saying, "Fuck it. I want to have fun. I enjoy getting attention from guys. I'm gonna lean in for now until I figure some shit out." And then a couple of days ago I went on a date with an interesting man. We have a lot in common. He was a gentleman. And I was reminded that my dream is not actually impossible. Though I've known always there are great men out there (I have met many). We are all broken people. And being as broken as I am, what makes me worthy of a love story? But regardless of how things go with this guy, I was reminded of God's goodness. The date was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in time. Dreaming isn't a bad thing. I have some truths I need to face in my life and I still have a lot growing to do as a person, but I don't need to change the fact that I'm a dreamer just because some shit happened in my life.
And then!!!! I got to go on vacation with my Korean mom. That's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the balcony of the pension we are in in Taean, South Korea. It over looks the ocean and a beautiful flower garden. We enjoyed the beach and the rocks and the sounds of the ocean and the birds. The fresh air has breathed new spirit into my soul. It has been amazing. Again, I'm reminded of God's goodness. Here I sit with a smile on my face because today has been so great. Hope is still here. Joy still exists. Through great pain, I can experience great joy. That's really how it works. You can't really experience one without the other. I've been reminded of that today.
So, yes everything sucks. There's still pain. There's still deep sorrow. That's not going to go away in an instance. My experiences have sucked. But I still wouldn't trade them. They truly have formed me into the person I am today. I am a better person because of these experiences. I shouldn't let them rob me of my future or even my present life. My goal right now is to find the joy in today. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to experience God in new ways. I want to wrap my brain around merging my past self and my new self together in a whole new Jessica with a confidence I've never had before. I want to not give up on my dreams. I want to be a beacon of light for others to remind them of hope and joy and be there for them and cry with them. I want to help others. I have always wanted to do that. The best way I can do that right now is by investing in myself.
So Monday, I start counseling. This isn't the first time I've done so, but it's at a different time in my life and with a professional. I'm looking forward to delving into myself in ways I haven't done or couldn't have done before. I'm looking forward to discovering parts of me and parts of the world and parts of God. I know I won't have all the answers, but I'm looking forward to the journey.
I think that's the first time I've ever been able to say that truthfully. I've always been interested in the destination. I have had no patience for myself and the journey. But, my life has taught me that the journey is what makes us, us. The journey is what defines me. The journey is what life is. So, let this journey begin on this beautiful spring day with God readily in my sights.
Recent events in my life have been... well, there's no better way to say this than "Royally Fucked Up". Going through a divorce is tough. The circumstances of mine are rather interesting. He just didn't know he didn't want to be married until after the fact. I'm not going to pretend that any of that is okay, but I'm also not going to berate him on social media. It is what it is and I have to move on. I don't think I'll ever regret marrying him. He has made me a better person.
Then, for whatever reason, I decided to get on Tinder. Now, I know that in the United States there's an interesting stigma that goes on with having a Tinder account. It's like everyone's secret of shame or something because it is mostly known as the "hook up" online dating application. But, being in a different country, makes it more difficult to meet someone. Most people have a type, mine happens to not be Korean guys. I have met some amazing Korean people, but I'm not attracted to Korean men. I will be honest and brave enough to say that I have a thing for black guys with a cute smile. I met a guy. We started hanging out and spending a lot of time together. Basically we were dating without the title because well, on paper, I'm still married. I find it to be a formality at this point and nothing more, but I get how that can be a deterrence to someone who might be interested in me.
I thought I was falling in love. But really, I was in love with the attention I was getting. I'd been waiting my whole life for someone to call me beautiful and want to touch me and love on me in ways that were just not there before. So, I do what girls do....well what I do. I ran in head first and expected a fairy tale. Imagine that, no such thing occurred. I got my heartbroken for the second time in 2017. Again, I'm not about to post all the details on social media. Again, I don't regret the experience one bit. We had a lot of fun. It's just not what I thought it was going to be.
So at this point, I'm like wow. What's the point of life? Really my life has been one disappointment after another. I know I'm a dreamer. I know I have wildly high expectations for myself and often others. Maybe it's time to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and get a better glimpse of some reality. Stop living in the clouds and clearly decide what it is that I want out of life. Can I really have it all? Probably not. So what are the most important pieces?
Well, for most of my life my plan has revolved around a man. And coming from a feminist who believes women are more than baby makers and house cleaners that sounds strange and irritating to even myself. But when faced with the hard truth...well, I have been that boy crazy girl. I don't like admitting that. In fact, it pains me to admit it and it makes me really sad, but it's true. So now I've been sitting in heartache and pain. Maybe I got my fairy tale already and it's over. How can I think I would get another one? But, was it really a fairy tale then? Well, the beginning definitely was but soon fizzled into not. But, what are fairy tales anyway? And why am I planning my life around a man anyway? What do I really want out of life? Can I take a different approach and let my dreams go?
As you can see, I've had many, many questions in the last couple of months. Those are just some of them. And then something interesting happened. I started to say some of this out loud and then proceeded to get back on Tinder. I was fully aware of the craziness of that. But, I felt like saying, "Fuck it. I want to have fun. I enjoy getting attention from guys. I'm gonna lean in for now until I figure some shit out." And then a couple of days ago I went on a date with an interesting man. We have a lot in common. He was a gentleman. And I was reminded that my dream is not actually impossible. Though I've known always there are great men out there (I have met many). We are all broken people. And being as broken as I am, what makes me worthy of a love story? But regardless of how things go with this guy, I was reminded of God's goodness. The date was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in time. Dreaming isn't a bad thing. I have some truths I need to face in my life and I still have a lot growing to do as a person, but I don't need to change the fact that I'm a dreamer just because some shit happened in my life.
And then!!!! I got to go on vacation with my Korean mom. That's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the balcony of the pension we are in in Taean, South Korea. It over looks the ocean and a beautiful flower garden. We enjoyed the beach and the rocks and the sounds of the ocean and the birds. The fresh air has breathed new spirit into my soul. It has been amazing. Again, I'm reminded of God's goodness. Here I sit with a smile on my face because today has been so great. Hope is still here. Joy still exists. Through great pain, I can experience great joy. That's really how it works. You can't really experience one without the other. I've been reminded of that today.
So, yes everything sucks. There's still pain. There's still deep sorrow. That's not going to go away in an instance. My experiences have sucked. But I still wouldn't trade them. They truly have formed me into the person I am today. I am a better person because of these experiences. I shouldn't let them rob me of my future or even my present life. My goal right now is to find the joy in today. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to experience God in new ways. I want to wrap my brain around merging my past self and my new self together in a whole new Jessica with a confidence I've never had before. I want to not give up on my dreams. I want to be a beacon of light for others to remind them of hope and joy and be there for them and cry with them. I want to help others. I have always wanted to do that. The best way I can do that right now is by investing in myself.
So Monday, I start counseling. This isn't the first time I've done so, but it's at a different time in my life and with a professional. I'm looking forward to delving into myself in ways I haven't done or couldn't have done before. I'm looking forward to discovering parts of me and parts of the world and parts of God. I know I won't have all the answers, but I'm looking forward to the journey.
I think that's the first time I've ever been able to say that truthfully. I've always been interested in the destination. I have had no patience for myself and the journey. But, my life has taught me that the journey is what makes us, us. The journey is what defines me. The journey is what life is. So, let this journey begin on this beautiful spring day with God readily in my sights.
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