For me, Christmas has always been a special holiday. In general, I tend to be a joyful, bubbly person. This is a holiday that brings that to light more clearly. My face lights up at the littlest things this time of year: any sign or hint of snow falling, the smallest displays of Christmas lights, smells of baking, getting to wrap presents and so much more. Over the years, it has definitely changed from when I was a child, but I still was able to hold onto the light of that spirit that I knew from when I was a child. Even among some treacherous life stuff. Through it all, Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.
The past two years changed. Maybe I started to grow up. Maybe I let something inside of me die. Maybe I finally succumbed to what everyone has to figure out....that Christmas spirit I once knew has seemed to disappear. I have been denying it for sometime. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to believe forever that this was the most wonderful time of year. It was my safe place. A happy place where my real life could disappear into the fabric of the background because it was Christmas. It was magical. And don't get be wrong, I always stopped to reflect on the reason for the celebration and marveled at what God had done for us. I also tried not to get caught up in the materialistic commercialism that has infiltrated this season. I would make crafts and decorations of my own and bake cookies and knit scarves and do whatever I could to engage in the season. I am definitely one of those that started listening to Christmas music way too early...according to many. But, it all made me happy. It was me getting to be me.
This year is different.
We all know 2016 has been....well special and not in a good way. I don't need to remind you the awful and horrific things this year has brought. It has brought some really good and unexpected things as well. January 1st of 2016 I didn't imagine sitting here, in South Korea, getting to follow one of my dreams. But, following dreams doesn't come for free. I am having to spend Christmas away from what I know to be Christmas and I can honestly say I have been in denial of the season for quite some time. Although I bought materials to make Christmas cards in October, the bag sits in the corner untouched. I downloaded a play list of Christmas music only to have played it occasionally and not really pay too close attention to it. I haven't even sung along! Today is December 24th, Christmas Eve and I don't believe it. I have been fighting it. If I choose to live in today that means Christmas, or at least what I know to be Christmas will have gone on without me and that makes me incredibly sad. It rips at my heart and stings like something I have never felt before. Instead of allowing myself to feel that, instead of thinking of the pain, I have just denied that it is December. Not even always consciously. For the first two weeks of December, I was still writing 11 when I needed to write the date. How can it really be Christmas without me?
About a few hours ago, I decided to stop being in denial and do something Christmasy. I found the one movie that I watched like every year with my family: The Santa Clause. I turned on Christmas music and sang along. I got dressed up to go out with my friends in a little bit. I talked with my grandma, Omi. I am starting to feel like myself again. It feels a little like Christmas. Although I will have to deal with the pain, I will have to accept that Christmas in Indiana and Ohio will go on without me. I know I will be missed, but it will still continue to go on. Time to get out of denial and work through the rest of the stages of grief so I can actually come to accept what is happening right now.
I imagine I will be listening to Christmas for the next month or so since I missed out before hand. I will make my Christmas cards and send them out late and do other things, but Christmas denial has got to go. This year has been a crazy one, but I cannot let 2016 rob me of my favorite time of year. So, here's to all of you struggling with the feeling of Christmas this season. This feeling is a choice and today I am going to choose it. I am going to be joyful and even feel the pain. Christ was born in uncertain times. I mean for goodness sake he was born in a barn because of the political climate! But Christ brought hope. I must remember that hope and choose to remember to celebrate what this season is about. I know that Christians took over other holidays and Christ was really born a different time of year, but that doesn't change what or why I am celebrating. Jesus, thanks for coming to this world. God, thanks for giving us this precious gift. Thanks for showing us how to love those we thought were unlovable. Thank you for showing us there can be peace. Thank you for showing us to not just wait for you to come back, but to bring heaven to earth with the gifts you have given us. Help me to be an avenue where your light shines through. Help me to be a magnet of love and joy. Allow me to be the Christmas spirit and share with those around me even though I don't feel like it. Help me to stop and cry when I need to. Today, I choose joy.
Merry Christmas everyone. May your days be merry and bright.
Love,
Jess
Jess
