B

Your creative spirit surrounds my soul
uplifting my body
I stand a little taller
Capturing my attention
you bring me back to the moment
slowing down I can see the code
the matrix of the universe
gliding through reality
creatively playing with space, time and our bodies
your touch sparks the essence of my being
streams of energy flowing through my veins
exuding aliveness you tap into my flow
my chest expands with joy
the experience of connecting with a human
on this conscious level
reminds me to be

Ever

Nothing is permanent
everything will be
the journey is life
life is change
Nothing is permanent

Love is.
Becoming one's self
is the journey at play
play through life
Live love.

Repudiate

heavy
disheartened
my chest constricts
as my eyes try not to well up
thud...thud....thud
my heartbeat sounds
as though it can't trudge on
I gasp for air
realizing I forgot to breathe
trying not to sound disappointed
as I quickly get away
to crawl deep within myself
and hide for fear that it will catch up
if I hide in a hole
maybe then it won't find me
maybe then I can escape
the wretched grasp,
the grip of rejection

Expansion

a space inside expands
tingles start in my core
and extend to my extremities
my chest augments
lub dub....lub dub...lub dub
the sound almost audible
of my heart beating on
openness in the throat
tempting the vocal chords
to sing a chorus of alleluia
lightening of the head
lifting up as feathers in the wind
my whole body afloat
as if gravity couldn't touch me
this is how it feels to be one
with the universe
this is how it feels when
I love myself

Divorce

I was standing there
frozen
not really all that surprised
the arguing and dissension
had been happening for months
the waves of emotion
threatened to take over
but the void of numbness
overruled
Going back in time
I can hear the faint screams
"How can you not be crying?"
my sister begged for some emotion
my twelve-year-old self knew to stay strong
I couldn't change what was happening
Bravery and strength were what we needed

Now thirty, looking back
I see that brave little girl
she did what she knew to be best
and I love her for that
but something died inside her
the day her family fell apart

Vacuity

still
gravity bringing presence to within
deafeningly quiet
the unquenched desire unfulfilled
tears streaming
so many...will I drown?
Will I ever hear those cries
of fear and joy
will I see the growth
feel the smooth and the bruised
the vacant void that broods inside
my hand feels nothing against my stomach
the flood of emotions creep up
nagging at me to notice
the emptiness that comes
from being childless

Rush

Catching your gaze
as you quickly look away
brings a tingling feeling
to my abdomen.
Knowing I'm wanted
makes my heart swell.
Tiptoeing through conversations
like the most beautiful dance,
a work of art...flirting.
The most magical moment
is where you stop talking
completely distracted
unable to remember
what you were saying
simply because I stood up,
and you could barely breathe.

It

It is somewhere and nowhere
It is something to beware
For it seems to have no meaning
but perhaps it could be a being

It has many descriptions
It can give many convictions
It could have a lot of fame
if only it, had a name

Defining Moments - Part I - Christian do-gooder to Human Being

I had a defining moment last fall that was really big and personal for me. I had a witness who recently reminded me of the moment. I went back through our text messages to find this correspondence:

Friend: ...But yes you are strong. I'll always remember you sitting there holding my guitar after singing your song and saying out loud "I'm going to be alright". :-)

Me: Seriously that was such a beautiful moment for me. I will never forget that.

Me: I don't know what your beliefs are but God showed me a new side of him and how much he loves me in that moment. It will forever be embedded in my memory.
Me: Thanks for sharing it with me

Friend: I like felt honored to just watch you.

Me: Really?

Friend: Really

Me: Wow, I had no idea. I thought that moment was in my head but it seems like it was a moment for you too. Why did you feel honored?

Friend: Because it felt like a freeing moment for you. Like you opened up apart of yourself.

Me: I totally did. Wow. You saw that?

Friend: Mhm. It was cool to see you in that moment

Me: I have no words. I'm just smiling.

Friend: :-) :-) :-)

-------------------------------------------------

It was the end of summer or beginning of fall. I had traveled by subway in South Korea to go visit my transitional companion. (Neither of us liked the term, "friends with benefits", so I came up with my own term that I felt fit our situation much better). I was sitting in his living room on his couch mostly or fully naked. I looked over and saw his guitar. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but I imagine I asked him if I could play it. I picked up the guitar and tuned it. Being rusty and having not played in a long time, I started strumming my go-to song - "Better is One Day". It was the first song I learned how to play on guitar.

I played and sang along.
Here are the lyrics:

How lovely is your dwelling place
O Lord Almighty
For my soul longs and even faints for You
For here my heart is satisfied
Within Your Presence
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to you
I will draw near to you

I remember laughing at myself while playing with a huge smile on my face. It seemed ironic to be sitting naked and praising God simultaneously. It also seemed poetic, perfect and absolutely fitting. The second verse asks to see God's beauty and glory. I could see that in my story and in the moment at hand. I felt like I was sitting in his courts and in his presence. Not only was my body naked, but so was my soul. I was bare and completely my authentic, whole self. And it was good.

In the past year, I had gotten divorced, thrown myself into the online dating world where my heart got broken a few more times, tried new things, attempted to wrap my brain around church and God (or maybe rather was avoiding it), navigated a new culture, language and country, and was trying to figure out my next career path - All of it came to a halt. I was fully present and I could just be.

After I finished the song, I said, " I will be alright." I knew that everything was going to be okay despite the crazy year I had just experienced and the fact that I was getting ready to go back to the US and didn't know what was ahead. I had a brand new understanding of how much God loved me just as I am. It was provocative, thrilling, beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing beyond words. Something within me opened up just as my friend so aptly observed. It was a defining moment and a spectacular transition.

-------------------------------------------------

When I was younger, if I had heard of a naked girl playing guitar on the couch with a man she was not married to (and had only known for a few weeks) playing worship music, I probably would have thought that it was some kind of heresy. Like, how dare someone disgrace God in that way?!

In that moment, I deeply felt the words I had read nearly ten years ago for the first time and so often came back to my heart,  "God loves me as I am and not as I should be" - Brennan Manning.

I didn't have to be praying, reading my bible, or doing Christian good deeds. I didn't have to be helping someone. I didn't have to be a certain type of way. I didn't have to be sinless. I didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to be anything or do anything. I was a just a human being, sitting down in the presence of my friend and God. It was enough. I was enough. I was loved. I was accepted exactly where I was.

Freedom

Liberation

Peace

I gained a new perspective on myself, God and the world that day. It's like God gave me a glimpse through his eyes to see me as he does. There was love and not judgement. Just acceptance. Not just by God, but also for myself.

I tribute this experience to God. Some may say it's energy, the universe, epiphany, etc. It doesn't matter really how you see it. It just matters that it happened and it was real for me. It changed me. The defining moment brought me to a reality as a human. I will forever treasure this experience.

Learning to Love myself - Part VIII - Being Humans Togther

We often put too many expectations on relationships consciously and, more often, subconsciously. We idealize what our romantic partners, friends, and families should be. We romanticize it. We make it beyond human. The reality is people will fail us every time. Not because we can't have good moments. Not even because we want to and are malicious and evil but because we are merely human. We can't help but fail and disappoint. And too often we let our emotions of anger, resentment, outrage, disappointment and fear cloud our vision of love. This often prevents us from forgiving, extending grace and loving.

That's not to say that we should let others bulldoze their way through us. Not at all. Unless we are a whole person on our own, we cannot live functionally. I cannot expect my partner to fill the voids of my past. I cannot expect friends to be available every time I'm in need. That's not how real life works. But, as a whole person, I can accept my people as they are and not as they should be. I can forgive them when they make mistakes. I can extend grace when they have hurt me. I can share when I think they are out of line and have disappointed me. I can have realistic expectations in a relationship. With that beautiful and open communication, I can live in functional, real, true relationships because I first am a whole person who loves myself and knows how to do those things for me. If I can forgive myself, have grace for myself and call myself out when I'm being out of line in a loving way, I can do those things for others and not have an unhealthy need to fill some void through my relationships with other people.

It's too much pressure to put on a person when we expect them to fulfill dysfunctional expectations. That pressure can build over time and manifest itself in outrageous ways. The best thing to do is be honest with yourself and with your people. Know that your people will disappoint you. Know they will hurt you. Know they will not meet all of your expectations (especially if they aren't shared). Accept your people as they are and not as they should be. Love them. Forgive them. Extend grace to them. Accept them. That's all you really want, right? I know that's what I want. I know that I have often expected too much from those around me because of my own personal voids. To those, I'm deeply sorry. I'm slowly becoming a whole, imperfect person who is learning to love herself. With that, I can have more realistic expectations for myself and for my people. And no one person can be everything. That's why even when I find my life partner, he won't and can't be my everything. That's why community is so important. We all have needs, but no one person can fill all those needs all the time. And, if we don't love and accept ourselves for who we are, how can someone else?

Humans are messy. But, we are also so beautiful. The mess is part of the journey. I don't want to continue to make it harder than it already is. I'm gonna try my damnest to see people and love them as they are and know and accept that they will fail me. My fear of being abandoned and forgotten has driven me to do some crazy things. But that's part of my dysfunction that I can't keep putting on others. So, when I start to have those feelings of fear, I'm going to try to stop, listen to myself, figure out why I'm feeling the way I am and not react poorly towards the people who love me. It's not fair to them. My voids are not to be filled by them. But just as they are human, so am I. I will fail at this. And hopefully, I've surrounded myself with good people who will love me and forgive me and accept me where I am. I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself and those around me to be something that's beyond human. Let's all rest and be humans together.

What is Grace?

"What is grace? I know until you ask me; when you ask me, I do not know."
~ Saint Augustine

Dictionary.com gives several definitions:

noun

1.     elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action:

We watched her skate with effortless grace across the ice.

Synonyms: attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease, lissomeness, fluidity.

Antonyms: stiffness, ugliness, awkwardness, clumsiness; klutziness.

2.     a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment:

He lacked the manly graces.

3.     favor or goodwill.

Synonyms: kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension.

4.     a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:

It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.

Synonyms: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness.

Antonyms: animosity, enmity, disfavor.

5.     mercy; clemency; pardon:

He was saved by an act of grace from the governor.

Synonyms: lenity, leniency, reprieve.

Antonyms: harshness.

6.     favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.

7.

 an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied:

The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses.

Compare grace period.

verb (used with object), graced, gracing.

14.    to lend or add grace to; adorn:

Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house. Synonyms: embellish, beautify, deck, decorate, ornament; enhance, honor.

Antonyms: disfigure, desecrate, demean.

15.    to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.                   Synonyms: glorify, elevate, exalt.

Antonyms: disrespect, dishonor.

But I don't think most of these definitions do the word justice. (Though a combination of some of them start to get to the heart of how I think of grace #3, 4, & 5)  Grace has such a deep meaning to me. I realize that mostly this word is embedded in Christian culture. The word grace is often attributed to God. Some would define grace as "God giving us what we don't deserve". Now there's a lot of theology surrounding that and that's not really the reason I'm posting about grace but it does give me more of a starting point to talk about grace between humans. 

Thinking about extending grace to those around us is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Giving someone something they don't deserve, in the positive sense. Sometimes people don't "deserve" a second chance or maybe they "deserve" to be punished or treated a certain way based on their actions. Extending grace means giving them a pass, forgiving them for the action against you and extending love and understanding. It means to reach out and extend a bridge to meet the person where they stand.

Now I don't think that grace means letting people get away with everything and being a doormat. Grace is not allowing someone to repeatedly hurt you with no consequence. Grace is not about unhealthy relationships. I think that extending grace to a person is trying to understand from their perspective, accepting them as a human who makes mistakes and granting them love just as you would like to receive the same. 

In the moments where I have received grace...it's nearly indescribable. The amount of love and understanding I have felt in those moments is incredible. Knowing that I fucked up and another person is willing to meet me in my humanity and love me anyways...wow!!! It's a state of amazing compassion. To be loved through grace is one of the most astounding ways I think another can be loved.

Extending and receiving grace is one of the most beautiful parts of humanity. Sometimes it's in small ways and sometimes it's in really big ways. I would love to hear stories from those of you who have received and extended grace.