Learning to Love Myself: Part V
Dear 15-year-old Jessica,
The world is a lot different than you thought. Though you were open to the gray areas of life, you only stepped into the kiddie pool of that realm. It gets a lot deeper and a lot wider. It's okay that you didn't know, you were only 15. I know you like to think that you are a really mature 15-year-old and you might be, but there's still a lot more to learn. And the reality is, some of the black and white things in your life kept you safe. It gave you structure when you needed it in the midst of a really chaotic world. It gave you what you needed at the time and that's okay. But,15-year-old Jessica, you were wrong about a lot of things. I know that's a weird thing to hear and you probably knew that but really it's okay. As a 29-year-old, you have lived a bit more life. You have been able to learn more about the world and how the gray area is okay. Letting go of the structure has been the hardest part for you but really the structure is no longer keeping you safe and it's just preventing you from being the amazing woman you could be. It's grounding you instead of enabling you to fly. So, dearest 15-year-old me, I'm going to have to let go of your precious, beautiful voice. You have given me some great things, but I need a new voice. I need one that will let me fly instead of holding me back. I will look back on you with fondness and not with judgment because you see, if I look at you with that judgment, well that's your voice and not the new voice I'm trying to find. So, goodbye 15-year-old Jessica. You will be well remembered, but you cannot stay in my inner circle any longer. I have to move on and say goodbye.
Yours,
29-year-old Jessica
I know this might seem a very bizarre post, however, it has been an interesting thing to discover in my counseling sessions. Many of the voices in my head are not my own. The voices that are there have kept me safe at different points in my life and were great tools at the time but I am a different person with many different life circumstances, so I'm learning to name the voices that are there and start to differentiate what needs to be said more to me now. I realized that one of those voices was my very own but from when I was much younger. If 15-year-old could see me now, she would be saying, "What the hell are you doing with your life?" And, I have to let that voice go because it isn't helpful and I've grown past needing that voice. I'm a much different person now.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part IV - Should vs Could
Learning to Love Myself: Part IV
Should vs Could
The "Shoulds"
This is not the way my life was supposed to go. I should be married. I should be well on my to having children or have had them already. I should be living in community with my family in the United States with a job I love. I should have a father who is speaking to me. I should be going to church every week. I should not be so insecure. I should be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Shouldn't I have more of my life figured out by now?
But the problem with should is that it is consumed with guilt, shame, judgment, pain, and regret. It isn't the compassionate voice that I need in my life right now. Even just typing it out felt wrong at this point and I just had this realization like 5 hours ago.
But watch what happens when I replace should with could.
This is my life. I could be married. I could be well on my way to having children. I could be living in community with my family in the United States with a job. I could have a father who is speaking to me. I could be going to church every week. I could not be so insecure. I could be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Could I have more of my life figured out by now?
The whole vibe and tone changes. Could brings hope and leaves room for grace and understanding. Could is the compassionate voice I have been looking for. Because when I change should to could, I can further expand on these ideas.
See what else happens with could:
I could be married, but I'm not. If I were still married, there would be a lot of misery and unhealthy things that are just not good for either of us. So, I could be married, but I'm not and that's okay.
I could be well on my way to having children, but I'm not married. This leaves room for the growth that I need right now. I'm dealing with some difficult things in my life and growing and becoming more secure with myself. As much as I want children, it's okay that they aren't here yet.
I could be in the United States but I've gotten to live in another country and experience a different part of the world. It has has been really exciting and I have enjoyed learning about a new culture and getting to meet some lovely people from all over the world!
I could have a father who talks to me. I don't currently. It's really sad. There's hope that maybe someday that might change. But I have done the best I can with the tools I have at the moment and that has to be okay for now.
I could be going to church every week. Right now, that's not what I need. Every time I walk into church, I get really angry about the process of how it is done and how it alienates outsiders. Maybe someday I will be in a place to be able to help make some changes within the church but now is not that time. It's okay that I'm not going to church every week right now.
I could not be so insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm more secure in myself now than I have ever been. I do have a long way to go, but I have grown in this area. I will continue to grow in this area and for now, my insecurities make sense based on my life story. It's okay that I have insecurities. It's okay for me to be human.
I could be farther along in life at the age of 29, but what does that really mean? It's really what society has told me and not what my life is and who I am. So, I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. Broken, sad, grieving a failed marriage....no not a "failed" marriage. It's just a marriage that didn't work out at this time. All of this is okay. This is part of my life and part of my story. It doesn't mean I "should" be in some different place. I am where I am and that's okay.
Could I have more of my life figured out by now? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter? Not really. For now, living in the present is really what is important for me. I need to see the good that is here now.
So, changing should to could might be one of the most powerful things I can do for my life in this season. It takes away the guilt, shame, and regret and replaces it with compassion, understanding, and peace. That's what I need in my life right now. My life could be anything I want it to be. That's both a relief and very scary but overall it means that "should" isn't the right word for my life and really needs to be taken out of my vocabulary...maybe permanently.
Should vs Could
The "Shoulds"
This is not the way my life was supposed to go. I should be married. I should be well on my to having children or have had them already. I should be living in community with my family in the United States with a job I love. I should have a father who is speaking to me. I should be going to church every week. I should not be so insecure. I should be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Shouldn't I have more of my life figured out by now?
But the problem with should is that it is consumed with guilt, shame, judgment, pain, and regret. It isn't the compassionate voice that I need in my life right now. Even just typing it out felt wrong at this point and I just had this realization like 5 hours ago.
But watch what happens when I replace should with could.
This is my life. I could be married. I could be well on my way to having children. I could be living in community with my family in the United States with a job. I could have a father who is speaking to me. I could be going to church every week. I could not be so insecure. I could be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Could I have more of my life figured out by now?
The whole vibe and tone changes. Could brings hope and leaves room for grace and understanding. Could is the compassionate voice I have been looking for. Because when I change should to could, I can further expand on these ideas.
See what else happens with could:
I could be married, but I'm not. If I were still married, there would be a lot of misery and unhealthy things that are just not good for either of us. So, I could be married, but I'm not and that's okay.
I could be well on my way to having children, but I'm not married. This leaves room for the growth that I need right now. I'm dealing with some difficult things in my life and growing and becoming more secure with myself. As much as I want children, it's okay that they aren't here yet.
I could be in the United States but I've gotten to live in another country and experience a different part of the world. It has has been really exciting and I have enjoyed learning about a new culture and getting to meet some lovely people from all over the world!
I could have a father who talks to me. I don't currently. It's really sad. There's hope that maybe someday that might change. But I have done the best I can with the tools I have at the moment and that has to be okay for now.
I could be going to church every week. Right now, that's not what I need. Every time I walk into church, I get really angry about the process of how it is done and how it alienates outsiders. Maybe someday I will be in a place to be able to help make some changes within the church but now is not that time. It's okay that I'm not going to church every week right now.
I could not be so insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm more secure in myself now than I have ever been. I do have a long way to go, but I have grown in this area. I will continue to grow in this area and for now, my insecurities make sense based on my life story. It's okay that I have insecurities. It's okay for me to be human.
I could be farther along in life at the age of 29, but what does that really mean? It's really what society has told me and not what my life is and who I am. So, I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. Broken, sad, grieving a failed marriage....no not a "failed" marriage. It's just a marriage that didn't work out at this time. All of this is okay. This is part of my life and part of my story. It doesn't mean I "should" be in some different place. I am where I am and that's okay.
Could I have more of my life figured out by now? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter? Not really. For now, living in the present is really what is important for me. I need to see the good that is here now.
So, changing should to could might be one of the most powerful things I can do for my life in this season. It takes away the guilt, shame, and regret and replaces it with compassion, understanding, and peace. That's what I need in my life right now. My life could be anything I want it to be. That's both a relief and very scary but overall it means that "should" isn't the right word for my life and really needs to be taken out of my vocabulary...maybe permanently.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part III
Learning to Love Myself: Part III
One thing I finally decided was that I wanted to actually do something about the back problems that I have had. One thing every doctor I have talked to has said, that regardless of my weight something that doesn't help is my lack of core muscles. That puts extra strain on my back. So, I decided I wanted to build up my core. Now, the problem with consistent exercise in my life has more to do with mentality than anything else. I can be super determined for a week and then all motivation goes to shit because really I care more about other people than I do myself. In an effort to continue down this path of loving myself, I came up with a plan.
For some reason, I actually don't mind doing sit-ups. The problem though is that I will do around 50 and then be done forever. Like I mentioned, it has more to do with my mental state. I created a 60-day challenge for myself. The first day I would do 2 sit-ups and then every consecutive day I would just add 2 sit-ups. So, day two would be 4 sit-ups and day three would be 6 sit-ups and so on until I get to 120 sit-ups on day 60. I even created myself a little chart to cross of the days that I had done because, well, I'm a list oriented person.
I had no idea it would be so effective! The first day felt really silly, just doing 2 sit-ups. I almost did more because of how silly it felt. But, I told myself that's not the point. The point is to gradually get me into a habit and to keep me wanting more. It worked. I can proudly say that today I am half way through the challenge and I just did 60 sit-ups! It feels great to finally be doing something consistent for myself in a physical way. In the future, I hope to add more things than just sit ups but for now, one thing at a time will get me into the habit of doing something physical every day and actually enjoy what I am doing.
One thing I finally decided was that I wanted to actually do something about the back problems that I have had. One thing every doctor I have talked to has said, that regardless of my weight something that doesn't help is my lack of core muscles. That puts extra strain on my back. So, I decided I wanted to build up my core. Now, the problem with consistent exercise in my life has more to do with mentality than anything else. I can be super determined for a week and then all motivation goes to shit because really I care more about other people than I do myself. In an effort to continue down this path of loving myself, I came up with a plan.
For some reason, I actually don't mind doing sit-ups. The problem though is that I will do around 50 and then be done forever. Like I mentioned, it has more to do with my mental state. I created a 60-day challenge for myself. The first day I would do 2 sit-ups and then every consecutive day I would just add 2 sit-ups. So, day two would be 4 sit-ups and day three would be 6 sit-ups and so on until I get to 120 sit-ups on day 60. I even created myself a little chart to cross of the days that I had done because, well, I'm a list oriented person.
I had no idea it would be so effective! The first day felt really silly, just doing 2 sit-ups. I almost did more because of how silly it felt. But, I told myself that's not the point. The point is to gradually get me into a habit and to keep me wanting more. It worked. I can proudly say that today I am half way through the challenge and I just did 60 sit-ups! It feels great to finally be doing something consistent for myself in a physical way. In the future, I hope to add more things than just sit ups but for now, one thing at a time will get me into the habit of doing something physical every day and actually enjoy what I am doing.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Spiraling
One overwhelming thought springs to mind. It doesn't have to be anything significant, just something tied to a deep emotion. This is easy to do in my world. I feel deeply. This feeling grows and the thoughts become more and more. It makes me feel like I'm free falling with nothing to grab hold of. It's not the sensation of flying because that would be glorious. It's the terror of what might come at the bottom. Spinning, twirling, upside down and flipping out of control. No structure. No sense of balance. No way to know what is up or down or right or left. My whole navigation system is off. The world feels like a vortex of chaos. The thoughts now jump out randomly like some video game where you try to avoid hitting things as you are going way too fast. But really, I'm terrible at the game so I hit every one of them. This means that I start flipping around more like a ping pong ball and I absorb everything I hit. Every new thing I hit is another thought and another emotion combined and compounds whatever was before it. The layers of thoughts and feelings cannot even be expressed. This is my spiral. This is what happens in the time span of seconds.
But then, I start saying the things out loud. If I have a person to say them to, the layers become less. The emotion starts to ease. The blurred images become actual words and not just random thoughts of chaos spiraling out of control. My words give the things meaning. My words allow the emotions to feel instead of being stifled up inside. I stop flipping. I slowly stop spinning. The ground is in sight and I'm able to land on my feet. Grounded, I can see the spiral that was above like there was no gravity for a few minutes and now I have a sense of myself and the world around me again. The root emotion can be recognized, named, and therefore felt and let go.
Maybe this is what it is like for others who also externally process. I hope to start to notice my symptoms sooner and I hope to be able to talk myself out of the spiraling vortex. With time and practice, I believe this is possible. Until then, thank you to those of you who have been my sounding boards, who essentially have been the person holding the rope (I couldn't see) and brought me back safely to the ground again.
But then, I start saying the things out loud. If I have a person to say them to, the layers become less. The emotion starts to ease. The blurred images become actual words and not just random thoughts of chaos spiraling out of control. My words give the things meaning. My words allow the emotions to feel instead of being stifled up inside. I stop flipping. I slowly stop spinning. The ground is in sight and I'm able to land on my feet. Grounded, I can see the spiral that was above like there was no gravity for a few minutes and now I have a sense of myself and the world around me again. The root emotion can be recognized, named, and therefore felt and let go.
Maybe this is what it is like for others who also externally process. I hope to start to notice my symptoms sooner and I hope to be able to talk myself out of the spiraling vortex. With time and practice, I believe this is possible. Until then, thank you to those of you who have been my sounding boards, who essentially have been the person holding the rope (I couldn't see) and brought me back safely to the ground again.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Shattered
Shattered
The pieces lie there
All over the floor
It's the kind where
Little pieces scattered
To every nook and cranny in the room
Too overwhelmed
Don't know where to start
Each piece represents
A different memory
A special emotion
This item is too precious
It cannot be thrown away
Can it be put back together?
It won't ever be the same
I can't look how it did before
There are too many pieces
But how does one
Put their own heart
Back together?
The pieces lie there
All over the floor
It's the kind where
Little pieces scattered
To every nook and cranny in the room
Too overwhelmed
Don't know where to start
Each piece represents
A different memory
A special emotion
This item is too precious
It cannot be thrown away
Can it be put back together?
It won't ever be the same
I can't look how it did before
There are too many pieces
But how does one
Put their own heart
Back together?
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part II
6-8-17
Learning to Love Myself: Part II
As you know, I have been going to counseling. It has been really beneficial and enlightening. One thing that I am working on right now is learning how to have a compassionate voice for myself. It's definitely not an easy thing to do especially when I have spent the last 29 years basically berating and criticizing myself. With time and practice, I'm starting to slowly see and recognize when I'm being too hard on myself and that's definitely the first step.
As I'm learning to have a compassionate voice, that leaves room for me to think about who I am and how I came to be. For example, no wonder I have identity issues. The formative years when most start to build their identity was in the middle of the chaos of my family when my parents were getting a divorce. I'm even to a point where I'm not blaming them for this. I'm just acknowledging what happened and now I understand that this is why I have this problem.
The epiphany I had today was a bit different. But first I am going to go on a bit of a rabbit trail because I think it might help the analogy a little. I have known many people in my life who have ADHD. I'm really fascinated by this and ask lots of questions to try and better understand because it truly is a different way to function in the world and difficult for them to do in a world where most people don't understand and expect things that are really difficult for people with ADHD to do. One thing I found in my conversations with them is that most people with ADHD happen to be picky eaters. This is just my own theory and I by no means have done any scientific research on this, but I believe it is because it is one thing in their life they actually can have control over. When everything around them overstimulates them in different ways, what they put in their mouth doesn't need to add to that overstimules and so they seem like they are picky about what they eat when in fact it is sort of a coping mechanism to work in the world of chaos around them.
I believe I have a different kind of coping mechanism that helped keep me safe and allowed me to function in the chaos around me when I was younger. I'm an obsessive planner. Being able to plan allowed me to do things in my life when I was a teenager that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise because my parents are also planners. My friends being spontaneous was not something they were on board with. But beyond that, I was excellent at planning for my homework and applying for college and doing everything I needed to succeed. Planning was safe because it was something I could control in my chaotic world.
But, there are some things that kept us safe that we should or have outgrown. There's a time where you have to let go of mom and dad's hands and walk on your own. Although planning can be a useful tool, it has in some ways become an excessive paranoia of mine because that's what used to keep me safe. The reality is it doesn't keep me safe anymore. That's not how real life works. Super planning often leads to disappointment and "failure" because I don't leave room for real life.
So, as I learn where this part of me has come from, I can understand and be compassionate with myself. I can start to acknowledge that it is a useful tool and not something I need all the time. It will be difficult to start to let this part of me go, but it is the only way I'll make strides toward being able to fly.
In trying to keep pace with my new self developments, I won't be making any plans about what comes next in my life until July. I'm giving myself the month of June to grow and develop and try to let go of some of the obsessive planning habits I have collected. It's definitely not easy. I often lay awake at night or the very early morning thinking about potential plans and I have to verbally tell myself to stop. Habits are truly hard to break but I need to continue to learn balance in my life. Planning is good in some ways but being obsessive about it will only continue to harm me at this point in my life.
Compassionate voice:
Jessica, it's okay that you struggle with this. You can only take one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others. You will continue to obsessively plan some days and other days you will chill out and wait and let yourself live life. It's okay. You're human. Let yourself be human and make mistakes. This journey is guiding you to your best self and in the mean time it's okay that you're not there. It's okay to be you as you are right now. Love you and let others love you. That's what life is really all about. Isn't it?
Thanks for journeying with me friends and family. I love you!
Learning to Love Myself: Part II
As you know, I have been going to counseling. It has been really beneficial and enlightening. One thing that I am working on right now is learning how to have a compassionate voice for myself. It's definitely not an easy thing to do especially when I have spent the last 29 years basically berating and criticizing myself. With time and practice, I'm starting to slowly see and recognize when I'm being too hard on myself and that's definitely the first step.
As I'm learning to have a compassionate voice, that leaves room for me to think about who I am and how I came to be. For example, no wonder I have identity issues. The formative years when most start to build their identity was in the middle of the chaos of my family when my parents were getting a divorce. I'm even to a point where I'm not blaming them for this. I'm just acknowledging what happened and now I understand that this is why I have this problem.
The epiphany I had today was a bit different. But first I am going to go on a bit of a rabbit trail because I think it might help the analogy a little. I have known many people in my life who have ADHD. I'm really fascinated by this and ask lots of questions to try and better understand because it truly is a different way to function in the world and difficult for them to do in a world where most people don't understand and expect things that are really difficult for people with ADHD to do. One thing I found in my conversations with them is that most people with ADHD happen to be picky eaters. This is just my own theory and I by no means have done any scientific research on this, but I believe it is because it is one thing in their life they actually can have control over. When everything around them overstimulates them in different ways, what they put in their mouth doesn't need to add to that overstimules and so they seem like they are picky about what they eat when in fact it is sort of a coping mechanism to work in the world of chaos around them.
I believe I have a different kind of coping mechanism that helped keep me safe and allowed me to function in the chaos around me when I was younger. I'm an obsessive planner. Being able to plan allowed me to do things in my life when I was a teenager that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise because my parents are also planners. My friends being spontaneous was not something they were on board with. But beyond that, I was excellent at planning for my homework and applying for college and doing everything I needed to succeed. Planning was safe because it was something I could control in my chaotic world.
But, there are some things that kept us safe that we should or have outgrown. There's a time where you have to let go of mom and dad's hands and walk on your own. Although planning can be a useful tool, it has in some ways become an excessive paranoia of mine because that's what used to keep me safe. The reality is it doesn't keep me safe anymore. That's not how real life works. Super planning often leads to disappointment and "failure" because I don't leave room for real life.
So, as I learn where this part of me has come from, I can understand and be compassionate with myself. I can start to acknowledge that it is a useful tool and not something I need all the time. It will be difficult to start to let this part of me go, but it is the only way I'll make strides toward being able to fly.
In trying to keep pace with my new self developments, I won't be making any plans about what comes next in my life until July. I'm giving myself the month of June to grow and develop and try to let go of some of the obsessive planning habits I have collected. It's definitely not easy. I often lay awake at night or the very early morning thinking about potential plans and I have to verbally tell myself to stop. Habits are truly hard to break but I need to continue to learn balance in my life. Planning is good in some ways but being obsessive about it will only continue to harm me at this point in my life.
Compassionate voice:
Jessica, it's okay that you struggle with this. You can only take one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others. You will continue to obsessively plan some days and other days you will chill out and wait and let yourself live life. It's okay. You're human. Let yourself be human and make mistakes. This journey is guiding you to your best self and in the mean time it's okay that you're not there. It's okay to be you as you are right now. Love you and let others love you. That's what life is really all about. Isn't it?
Thanks for journeying with me friends and family. I love you!
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