Learning to Love Myself Part VII
Becoming my own Best Friend
I expect a lot from myself. In turn, I expect a lot out of others, less so than from myself but still a lot. Something I have come to realize though is that I can't ask others to love me if I don't know how to love myself. How can someone be my friend if even I don't like myself?
I have been practicing being compassionate with myself. I am changing how I talk to myself so that it is more positive and less degrading. I am learning to treat myself how I would treat my closest friends. It's not an easy thing. I am so harsh on myself because I'm always striving to be better. But what good is that if I'm not enjoying life along the way?
I have started practicing other things as well. I'm taking myself out. I have on occasion taken myself to the movies but I also took myself to a musical at Playhouse Square last week and will do so again next week. It's difficult for me to spend money on myself but I am learning to budget it in because it is important to treat myself with kindness.
I sing in the car and jam out to songs that I love even though I know others would look down on me for my song choices. Does it really matter if I love it and am having fun?
I am starting to give myself advice in a way that I would when talking to a dear friend. This allows me to see things more clearly and honestly. Plus talking to myself out loud has been a useful practice since I am an external processor. Trying to internally process is usually a nightmare and I tend to spiral.
Learning to love myself and befriend myself is an interesting journey. I'm starting to see why I've had difficulties with friendships in the past. No wonder some people struggled with this or that from my character...even I wouldn't like that in a friendship. But it also has taught me how amazing I am. I am both humbled and amazed by myself. It's strange. It's difficult. It's hard work but definitely worth doing.
No one can fulfill all the needs I have. Though I am still adamant that it takes a community to live a good, healthy and loving life, I have also learned that loving myself is part of that community and an important one. I can't really be happy with my life if I'm not even willing to be friends with myself.
This journey will continue and I hope to learn more and grow. But if nothing else, I'm learning that I can be friends with myself and that's a beautiful and amazing thing.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Friday, September 1, 2017
Losing my Shit
Nothing quite gets under my skin like when I have misplaced something and cannot find it anywhere. I'm the type of person who doesn't really lose anything. I remember where I put things and have a general understanding and organization of life around me.
Being in limbo and living out of suitcases for a few days doesn't help with knowing exactly where everything is right now, especially because I didn't pack like I normally do. Ordinarily, I pre plan how I will be packing and take my time and organize everything. For example, when I left for Korea, I spent weeks with suitcases on the floor in the dining room of the apartment, sorting through what I needed to bring and how heavy each suitcase would be.
As I have been learning to live life a bit more fully in my last couple of months here, I didn't take the time to pack well. I knew I wasn't moving far (just one floor up for a few days). Also, I didn't have that much to pack. I think when all is said and done I will have two checked bags, a carry-on and a back pack (at least that's my hope). So I knew it wouldn't take me all that long to pack up my apartment. I gave myself a day to do so. And I was right, it didn't take all that long.
However, I have had a difficult time remembering where I have put things because I packed so quickly. So over and over again in the past 24 hours or so, I have been scrounging around looking for things. Now, mostly I have been able to find things quickly and move on but it still has felt chaotic.
Until about 30 minutes ago. I have this little pouch with elephants on it that a dear friend gave to me when she traveled to Taiwan. I had put the earrings I have been wearing more frequently in it and the earrings that are more special to me. Then I can still wear earrings in the next few days and keep them close because they are special to me.
I don't usually buy many things, but I have a rather large collection of earrings. I have had earrings since I was five years old and in general, I have kept many of them over the years. Also, they are really easy to transport and they are fun for me. It's a little creative outlet for my physical appearance. That being said, I have bought multiple sets of really cool earrings in Korea and have been given several. I bought a pair while I was in Nami Island traveling with some good friends. The earrings remind me of the adventure and they look kind of like cherry blossoms and are handmade. My Korean mom had this beautiful pair she got in Mexico. Everytime she wore them, I commented on how wonderful they were and then she ended up giving them to me! She's truly one of the most wonderful people I think I have ever met.
So, I have been looking for this pouch off and on since I moved into to my temporary residence but I figured it would turn up. But, about 40 minutes ago I started actually looking. I tore through every bag I have each like three times. I started texting my friends to see if they could help me because maybe I had left it in my apartment some how. I started panicking. I started pacing. I had to keep telling myself to breathe because I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was definitely going to start crying. I know rationally they are just earrings, but there's a lot of sentimental value there. (I only mentioned two stories, there are many more pairs of earrings in this bag than that). I knew I was about to lose my shit.
I sat down and decided to work on something I could control. As I did so, my mind went to other things. And then, in the yarn bag beside the bed, I realized for some reason I might have put the pouch there. I did. It didn't seem like a place I would put them. It didn't make any sense at all for me to do so but somehow in the chaos of moving that's where they ended up. And now I feel really silly because I almost lost my shit over...welll, losing my shit.
It's understandable because I'm already emotional with the big move ahead and saying goodbye. These earrings were going to be a representation of my time in Korea and a physical reminder of some great times I have had here so it would have been devastating for me to have lost them. But, nothing in life is permanent and I have to learn that being sentimental is good and all but not to the extent of losing my shit. So now instead of taking a nap like I had planned, I stressed myself the hell out and need a drink. Luckily it's Friday and my friends are almost done with work so I can go drink and let off some steam.
There's no moral to the story. I just felt that maybe it was relatable and maybe I wasn't alone in losing my shit over something seemingly insignificant. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. I would love to hear your stories. And probably an hour or so from now, I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so dramatic.
Being in limbo and living out of suitcases for a few days doesn't help with knowing exactly where everything is right now, especially because I didn't pack like I normally do. Ordinarily, I pre plan how I will be packing and take my time and organize everything. For example, when I left for Korea, I spent weeks with suitcases on the floor in the dining room of the apartment, sorting through what I needed to bring and how heavy each suitcase would be.
As I have been learning to live life a bit more fully in my last couple of months here, I didn't take the time to pack well. I knew I wasn't moving far (just one floor up for a few days). Also, I didn't have that much to pack. I think when all is said and done I will have two checked bags, a carry-on and a back pack (at least that's my hope). So I knew it wouldn't take me all that long to pack up my apartment. I gave myself a day to do so. And I was right, it didn't take all that long.
However, I have had a difficult time remembering where I have put things because I packed so quickly. So over and over again in the past 24 hours or so, I have been scrounging around looking for things. Now, mostly I have been able to find things quickly and move on but it still has felt chaotic.
Until about 30 minutes ago. I have this little pouch with elephants on it that a dear friend gave to me when she traveled to Taiwan. I had put the earrings I have been wearing more frequently in it and the earrings that are more special to me. Then I can still wear earrings in the next few days and keep them close because they are special to me.
I don't usually buy many things, but I have a rather large collection of earrings. I have had earrings since I was five years old and in general, I have kept many of them over the years. Also, they are really easy to transport and they are fun for me. It's a little creative outlet for my physical appearance. That being said, I have bought multiple sets of really cool earrings in Korea and have been given several. I bought a pair while I was in Nami Island traveling with some good friends. The earrings remind me of the adventure and they look kind of like cherry blossoms and are handmade. My Korean mom had this beautiful pair she got in Mexico. Everytime she wore them, I commented on how wonderful they were and then she ended up giving them to me! She's truly one of the most wonderful people I think I have ever met.
So, I have been looking for this pouch off and on since I moved into to my temporary residence but I figured it would turn up. But, about 40 minutes ago I started actually looking. I tore through every bag I have each like three times. I started texting my friends to see if they could help me because maybe I had left it in my apartment some how. I started panicking. I started pacing. I had to keep telling myself to breathe because I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was definitely going to start crying. I know rationally they are just earrings, but there's a lot of sentimental value there. (I only mentioned two stories, there are many more pairs of earrings in this bag than that). I knew I was about to lose my shit.
I sat down and decided to work on something I could control. As I did so, my mind went to other things. And then, in the yarn bag beside the bed, I realized for some reason I might have put the pouch there. I did. It didn't seem like a place I would put them. It didn't make any sense at all for me to do so but somehow in the chaos of moving that's where they ended up. And now I feel really silly because I almost lost my shit over...welll, losing my shit.
It's understandable because I'm already emotional with the big move ahead and saying goodbye. These earrings were going to be a representation of my time in Korea and a physical reminder of some great times I have had here so it would have been devastating for me to have lost them. But, nothing in life is permanent and I have to learn that being sentimental is good and all but not to the extent of losing my shit. So now instead of taking a nap like I had planned, I stressed myself the hell out and need a drink. Luckily it's Friday and my friends are almost done with work so I can go drink and let off some steam.
There's no moral to the story. I just felt that maybe it was relatable and maybe I wasn't alone in losing my shit over something seemingly insignificant. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. I would love to hear your stories. And probably an hour or so from now, I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so dramatic.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Saying Goodbye
August 31st 2017
Saying Goodbye
I don't think anyone is actually any good at saying goodbye. (If you are, please tell me your secrets). With goodbye, comes change. Change is difficult and scary. While I don't have to say goodbye just yet, I'm sitting in my half packed up apartment in Korea struggling to finish the packing. If I finish, I have to say goodbye to my apartment and thus starts the snowball effect of goodbyes in the next week and a half. Somehow if I prolong the packing process, a small part of me feels like I don't have to begin that process just yet.
But inevitably, I will stop typing and finish packing. I will move my things to my temporary residence for a few days and I will have to say goodbye to this tiny apartment I called home for a year. It seems strange. All of this feels so surreal. It's almost like this whole year and whatever might come next has been a dream or something. I know that's not true, but I can't seem to shake whatever this feeling is.
I thought if I started typing maybe I could start to process through some of the grief that I'm feeling because that's really what I'm doing. I'm going through the waves of grief as I say goodbye to this new life I have built in Korea. There are so many moments where I have said that I don't actually want to leave. I know that I have to. (That's a much longer story for a different day). But living in South Korea has brought out new parts in me that I had no idea were there. It's helped me work through some identity issues. I have a better sense of myself. I know now more what I like and dislike. Though I still care so deeply about others, I've also started learning to love myself. This journey has been important and a beautiful part of my story, though difficult. It's scary to think about what comes after this.
But, just like every point of blind next steps, the trepidation of the unknown and the grieving of change, I must walk forward. I really think that's what it means to be brave. Being brave is being scared out of your mind and doing it anyway.
I know that my relationships will all start to change again. It makes me sad because I have made some amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people here. But I also know that I have some amazing people in the states waiting for my return and who knows what other people I might encounter in my next adventures.
Change is difficult. Learning how to balance the grief and the hope is a near impossible feat, but I think I'm starting to learn how to do that with a little more grace. Letting myself feel is part of that process. When I do, then I'm able to take another step forward and embrace change and reality.
I don't really have a huge point to hone in right now. I just needed to feel and work through some of these conflicting emotions. Blogging/writing helps me to do that. Thanks for reading.
Saying Goodbye
I don't think anyone is actually any good at saying goodbye. (If you are, please tell me your secrets). With goodbye, comes change. Change is difficult and scary. While I don't have to say goodbye just yet, I'm sitting in my half packed up apartment in Korea struggling to finish the packing. If I finish, I have to say goodbye to my apartment and thus starts the snowball effect of goodbyes in the next week and a half. Somehow if I prolong the packing process, a small part of me feels like I don't have to begin that process just yet.
But inevitably, I will stop typing and finish packing. I will move my things to my temporary residence for a few days and I will have to say goodbye to this tiny apartment I called home for a year. It seems strange. All of this feels so surreal. It's almost like this whole year and whatever might come next has been a dream or something. I know that's not true, but I can't seem to shake whatever this feeling is.
I thought if I started typing maybe I could start to process through some of the grief that I'm feeling because that's really what I'm doing. I'm going through the waves of grief as I say goodbye to this new life I have built in Korea. There are so many moments where I have said that I don't actually want to leave. I know that I have to. (That's a much longer story for a different day). But living in South Korea has brought out new parts in me that I had no idea were there. It's helped me work through some identity issues. I have a better sense of myself. I know now more what I like and dislike. Though I still care so deeply about others, I've also started learning to love myself. This journey has been important and a beautiful part of my story, though difficult. It's scary to think about what comes after this.
But, just like every point of blind next steps, the trepidation of the unknown and the grieving of change, I must walk forward. I really think that's what it means to be brave. Being brave is being scared out of your mind and doing it anyway.
I know that my relationships will all start to change again. It makes me sad because I have made some amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people here. But I also know that I have some amazing people in the states waiting for my return and who knows what other people I might encounter in my next adventures.
Change is difficult. Learning how to balance the grief and the hope is a near impossible feat, but I think I'm starting to learn how to do that with a little more grace. Letting myself feel is part of that process. When I do, then I'm able to take another step forward and embrace change and reality.
I don't really have a huge point to hone in right now. I just needed to feel and work through some of these conflicting emotions. Blogging/writing helps me to do that. Thanks for reading.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part VI - 60 Day Challenge
Learning to Love Myself: Part VI
60 Day Challenge
Well, it took more than 60 days because life happens, but I finally finished my 60 day challenge! I did 120 sit-ups today. I'm feeling super proud of myself. That's a pretty lofty goal and I completed it.
One thing that I didn't really plan for is, well....life. That's often something I forget to factor in my plans. But, rather than get frustrated at myself and just give up, I just said, "It's okay, life happens". So even though it took waaaaaay longer than 60 days, it didn't matter. I was still working toward my goal and also I was learning to be flexible and let life happen, as it does.
So, it seems I learned a lot about myself and life through this 60 days challenge. I definitely never thought I could do 120 sit ups essentially in a row, and I did. I am learning to be more flexible with myself and learning to be more compassionate with myself. And I'm learning to love myself in a way that allows me to take care of me in the midst of life. All of these things are really important. Thank you to those of you who have been cheering me on. I love you!
60 Day Challenge
Well, it took more than 60 days because life happens, but I finally finished my 60 day challenge! I did 120 sit-ups today. I'm feeling super proud of myself. That's a pretty lofty goal and I completed it.
One thing that I didn't really plan for is, well....life. That's often something I forget to factor in my plans. But, rather than get frustrated at myself and just give up, I just said, "It's okay, life happens". So even though it took waaaaaay longer than 60 days, it didn't matter. I was still working toward my goal and also I was learning to be flexible and let life happen, as it does.
So, it seems I learned a lot about myself and life through this 60 days challenge. I definitely never thought I could do 120 sit ups essentially in a row, and I did. I am learning to be more flexible with myself and learning to be more compassionate with myself. And I'm learning to love myself in a way that allows me to take care of me in the midst of life. All of these things are really important. Thank you to those of you who have been cheering me on. I love you!
Sunday, August 20, 2017
You Can't Handle the Truth
August 20th, 2017
"You can't handle the truth" is a phrase that is perpetually on my mind today. Most people would say that they want others to be honest with them right? Like, you want people to be straightforward. You want people to share their thoughts and feelings. You want people to be up front and you don't want to deal with people who lie and back pedal.
I'm calling bullshit.
In my experience, when I'm honest and upfront, people often shy away. They don't know how to handle it. Also, in my experience, most people aren't honest enough with themselves and then aren't honest with others either. This is something that I cannot comprehend. If you expect honesty, why aren't you, yourself honest? That's only logical, right? I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomena.
I came to the realization today that I'm just not like most people in this way and that's why I struggle. I am honest all the time and it gets me into trouble. Now, why is that? Why should I be in trouble for being honest with myself and others? Okay, okay, there is a good balance. I can be honest with myself and others but there is definitely a time and place for some truth. And I have learned this lesson the hard way multiple times. But, still, why are people so scared?
And what are they scared of? Being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do but it's also the most beautiful experiences I have had with people. Vulnerability is a true sign of strength and not weakness. Why do we think it's the opposite? Why do people think a rough exterior is the way to be? Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations of playing games with people? Life is way too short for that shit!
I was talking with a good friend of mine today about this. I was like, "shit, now I'm gonna have to start learning to play the game." My friend said, "Why?" And I realized she was right. I don't want to have to learn to play the game. This is not a good or fun game to play. If you wanna play cards or pool I will play in a heartbeat. But the life game is dumb and I refuse to play it.
Refusing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and others is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. And mostly it boils down to people being scared of themselves and others. I'm pretty sure living life the way I do is both stupid and amazing but like I said before life is too short. My favorite parts of life are watching people grow and being real with others. That's the life I want to choose even if it seems odd and a little stupid. I don't want to live scared.
But, can we please stop throwing the word honesty around flippantly? Most of the time people say, "I'm just trying to be honest" they aren't. It's a partial truth, maybe, and it's more about themselves than the other person. If you want real honesty then please use the word, but if you don't, can you stop pretending and realize you would rather be lied to and keep lying to yourself? It's really okay if you want to live your life that way, no judgment here. Just at least be honest about that part. It will make life a bit easier for everyone. If you can't handle the truth, just say so. It's really okay.
"You can't handle the truth" is a phrase that is perpetually on my mind today. Most people would say that they want others to be honest with them right? Like, you want people to be straightforward. You want people to share their thoughts and feelings. You want people to be up front and you don't want to deal with people who lie and back pedal.
I'm calling bullshit.
In my experience, when I'm honest and upfront, people often shy away. They don't know how to handle it. Also, in my experience, most people aren't honest enough with themselves and then aren't honest with others either. This is something that I cannot comprehend. If you expect honesty, why aren't you, yourself honest? That's only logical, right? I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomena.
I came to the realization today that I'm just not like most people in this way and that's why I struggle. I am honest all the time and it gets me into trouble. Now, why is that? Why should I be in trouble for being honest with myself and others? Okay, okay, there is a good balance. I can be honest with myself and others but there is definitely a time and place for some truth. And I have learned this lesson the hard way multiple times. But, still, why are people so scared?
And what are they scared of? Being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do but it's also the most beautiful experiences I have had with people. Vulnerability is a true sign of strength and not weakness. Why do we think it's the opposite? Why do people think a rough exterior is the way to be? Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations of playing games with people? Life is way too short for that shit!
I was talking with a good friend of mine today about this. I was like, "shit, now I'm gonna have to start learning to play the game." My friend said, "Why?" And I realized she was right. I don't want to have to learn to play the game. This is not a good or fun game to play. If you wanna play cards or pool I will play in a heartbeat. But the life game is dumb and I refuse to play it.
Refusing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and others is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. And mostly it boils down to people being scared of themselves and others. I'm pretty sure living life the way I do is both stupid and amazing but like I said before life is too short. My favorite parts of life are watching people grow and being real with others. That's the life I want to choose even if it seems odd and a little stupid. I don't want to live scared.
But, can we please stop throwing the word honesty around flippantly? Most of the time people say, "I'm just trying to be honest" they aren't. It's a partial truth, maybe, and it's more about themselves than the other person. If you want real honesty then please use the word, but if you don't, can you stop pretending and realize you would rather be lied to and keep lying to yourself? It's really okay if you want to live your life that way, no judgment here. Just at least be honest about that part. It will make life a bit easier for everyone. If you can't handle the truth, just say so. It's really okay.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
In and Out of Darkness
You know that moment in so many scenes in movies where the character(s) shake their heads and blink their eyes and somehow they have come out of some kind of trance? It might have been a magic spell or telepathic thing or whatever, but they are finally seeing clearly again or even for the first time. I feel like I'm constantly coming out of that state. Every step I take to learn more about myself and every day I learn more about the world and people around me. It's like I'm in a constant state of coming out of some sort of trance. Like I was blind and now I can see. Something was clouding my vision of a certain aspect of my life and now I see it clearly for the first time.
It's really disorienting. I cannot even begin to understand what it would feel like to be a person who was actually, physically blind and now can see but, I imagine that at first everything would seem super bright and ridiculously overwhelming.
I feel that kind of way nearly weekly at this point in my life. I know in a lot of ways it's a really great thing. It means I'm growing. It means I'm seeing myself more in reality and trying to make my best self. I can tell this is very beneficial for me.
But sometimes I really want it to stop. Like when will it stop being so overwhelming? When will I actually see the world for what it really is instead of continuously coming out of trances? It's almost like I keep waking up from a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream, etc. When will I wake up to reality? Will I be stuck in the Matrix forever?
.......................
I really wanted to end my post on that last question. It felt like an excellent moment to stop and just let all the questions linger and ponder about the world and life. But, it felt like I was leaving the impression of hopelessness and helplessness. That's not actually what I'm feeling. Actually, I am feeling a lot of hope. I see more light. I see the good that is happening in my heart and soul with all of these experiences. So, as much as I want it to stop, I don't really. As long as it takes, as many times as I have to wake up, I think that it will be worth it. In the end, I will have grown. I will have discovered more parts of myself and the world around me. I will be reaching my best self and then able to offer my best self to others. This is the journey and it's my beautiful, crazy, messed up, twisted story. I'm becoming. It's terrifying. It's liberating. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's agonizing. It's torture. It's glorious. I'm becoming and it feels amazing.
It's really disorienting. I cannot even begin to understand what it would feel like to be a person who was actually, physically blind and now can see but, I imagine that at first everything would seem super bright and ridiculously overwhelming.
I feel that kind of way nearly weekly at this point in my life. I know in a lot of ways it's a really great thing. It means I'm growing. It means I'm seeing myself more in reality and trying to make my best self. I can tell this is very beneficial for me.
But sometimes I really want it to stop. Like when will it stop being so overwhelming? When will I actually see the world for what it really is instead of continuously coming out of trances? It's almost like I keep waking up from a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream, etc. When will I wake up to reality? Will I be stuck in the Matrix forever?
.......................
I really wanted to end my post on that last question. It felt like an excellent moment to stop and just let all the questions linger and ponder about the world and life. But, it felt like I was leaving the impression of hopelessness and helplessness. That's not actually what I'm feeling. Actually, I am feeling a lot of hope. I see more light. I see the good that is happening in my heart and soul with all of these experiences. So, as much as I want it to stop, I don't really. As long as it takes, as many times as I have to wake up, I think that it will be worth it. In the end, I will have grown. I will have discovered more parts of myself and the world around me. I will be reaching my best self and then able to offer my best self to others. This is the journey and it's my beautiful, crazy, messed up, twisted story. I'm becoming. It's terrifying. It's liberating. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's agonizing. It's torture. It's glorious. I'm becoming and it feels amazing.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part V
Learning to Love Myself: Part V
Dear 15-year-old Jessica,
The world is a lot different than you thought. Though you were open to the gray areas of life, you only stepped into the kiddie pool of that realm. It gets a lot deeper and a lot wider. It's okay that you didn't know, you were only 15. I know you like to think that you are a really mature 15-year-old and you might be, but there's still a lot more to learn. And the reality is, some of the black and white things in your life kept you safe. It gave you structure when you needed it in the midst of a really chaotic world. It gave you what you needed at the time and that's okay. But,15-year-old Jessica, you were wrong about a lot of things. I know that's a weird thing to hear and you probably knew that but really it's okay. As a 29-year-old, you have lived a bit more life. You have been able to learn more about the world and how the gray area is okay. Letting go of the structure has been the hardest part for you but really the structure is no longer keeping you safe and it's just preventing you from being the amazing woman you could be. It's grounding you instead of enabling you to fly. So, dearest 15-year-old me, I'm going to have to let go of your precious, beautiful voice. You have given me some great things, but I need a new voice. I need one that will let me fly instead of holding me back. I will look back on you with fondness and not with judgment because you see, if I look at you with that judgment, well that's your voice and not the new voice I'm trying to find. So, goodbye 15-year-old Jessica. You will be well remembered, but you cannot stay in my inner circle any longer. I have to move on and say goodbye.
Yours,
29-year-old Jessica
I know this might seem a very bizarre post, however, it has been an interesting thing to discover in my counseling sessions. Many of the voices in my head are not my own. The voices that are there have kept me safe at different points in my life and were great tools at the time but I am a different person with many different life circumstances, so I'm learning to name the voices that are there and start to differentiate what needs to be said more to me now. I realized that one of those voices was my very own but from when I was much younger. If 15-year-old could see me now, she would be saying, "What the hell are you doing with your life?" And, I have to let that voice go because it isn't helpful and I've grown past needing that voice. I'm a much different person now.
Dear 15-year-old Jessica,
The world is a lot different than you thought. Though you were open to the gray areas of life, you only stepped into the kiddie pool of that realm. It gets a lot deeper and a lot wider. It's okay that you didn't know, you were only 15. I know you like to think that you are a really mature 15-year-old and you might be, but there's still a lot more to learn. And the reality is, some of the black and white things in your life kept you safe. It gave you structure when you needed it in the midst of a really chaotic world. It gave you what you needed at the time and that's okay. But,15-year-old Jessica, you were wrong about a lot of things. I know that's a weird thing to hear and you probably knew that but really it's okay. As a 29-year-old, you have lived a bit more life. You have been able to learn more about the world and how the gray area is okay. Letting go of the structure has been the hardest part for you but really the structure is no longer keeping you safe and it's just preventing you from being the amazing woman you could be. It's grounding you instead of enabling you to fly. So, dearest 15-year-old me, I'm going to have to let go of your precious, beautiful voice. You have given me some great things, but I need a new voice. I need one that will let me fly instead of holding me back. I will look back on you with fondness and not with judgment because you see, if I look at you with that judgment, well that's your voice and not the new voice I'm trying to find. So, goodbye 15-year-old Jessica. You will be well remembered, but you cannot stay in my inner circle any longer. I have to move on and say goodbye.
Yours,
29-year-old Jessica
I know this might seem a very bizarre post, however, it has been an interesting thing to discover in my counseling sessions. Many of the voices in my head are not my own. The voices that are there have kept me safe at different points in my life and were great tools at the time but I am a different person with many different life circumstances, so I'm learning to name the voices that are there and start to differentiate what needs to be said more to me now. I realized that one of those voices was my very own but from when I was much younger. If 15-year-old could see me now, she would be saying, "What the hell are you doing with your life?" And, I have to let that voice go because it isn't helpful and I've grown past needing that voice. I'm a much different person now.
Learning to Love Myself: Part IV - Should vs Could
Learning to Love Myself: Part IV
Should vs Could
The "Shoulds"
This is not the way my life was supposed to go. I should be married. I should be well on my to having children or have had them already. I should be living in community with my family in the United States with a job I love. I should have a father who is speaking to me. I should be going to church every week. I should not be so insecure. I should be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Shouldn't I have more of my life figured out by now?
But the problem with should is that it is consumed with guilt, shame, judgment, pain, and regret. It isn't the compassionate voice that I need in my life right now. Even just typing it out felt wrong at this point and I just had this realization like 5 hours ago.
But watch what happens when I replace should with could.
This is my life. I could be married. I could be well on my way to having children. I could be living in community with my family in the United States with a job. I could have a father who is speaking to me. I could be going to church every week. I could not be so insecure. I could be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Could I have more of my life figured out by now?
The whole vibe and tone changes. Could brings hope and leaves room for grace and understanding. Could is the compassionate voice I have been looking for. Because when I change should to could, I can further expand on these ideas.
See what else happens with could:
I could be married, but I'm not. If I were still married, there would be a lot of misery and unhealthy things that are just not good for either of us. So, I could be married, but I'm not and that's okay.
I could be well on my way to having children, but I'm not married. This leaves room for the growth that I need right now. I'm dealing with some difficult things in my life and growing and becoming more secure with myself. As much as I want children, it's okay that they aren't here yet.
I could be in the United States but I've gotten to live in another country and experience a different part of the world. It has has been really exciting and I have enjoyed learning about a new culture and getting to meet some lovely people from all over the world!
I could have a father who talks to me. I don't currently. It's really sad. There's hope that maybe someday that might change. But I have done the best I can with the tools I have at the moment and that has to be okay for now.
I could be going to church every week. Right now, that's not what I need. Every time I walk into church, I get really angry about the process of how it is done and how it alienates outsiders. Maybe someday I will be in a place to be able to help make some changes within the church but now is not that time. It's okay that I'm not going to church every week right now.
I could not be so insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm more secure in myself now than I have ever been. I do have a long way to go, but I have grown in this area. I will continue to grow in this area and for now, my insecurities make sense based on my life story. It's okay that I have insecurities. It's okay for me to be human.
I could be farther along in life at the age of 29, but what does that really mean? It's really what society has told me and not what my life is and who I am. So, I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. Broken, sad, grieving a failed marriage....no not a "failed" marriage. It's just a marriage that didn't work out at this time. All of this is okay. This is part of my life and part of my story. It doesn't mean I "should" be in some different place. I am where I am and that's okay.
Could I have more of my life figured out by now? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter? Not really. For now, living in the present is really what is important for me. I need to see the good that is here now.
So, changing should to could might be one of the most powerful things I can do for my life in this season. It takes away the guilt, shame, and regret and replaces it with compassion, understanding, and peace. That's what I need in my life right now. My life could be anything I want it to be. That's both a relief and very scary but overall it means that "should" isn't the right word for my life and really needs to be taken out of my vocabulary...maybe permanently.
Should vs Could
The "Shoulds"
This is not the way my life was supposed to go. I should be married. I should be well on my to having children or have had them already. I should be living in community with my family in the United States with a job I love. I should have a father who is speaking to me. I should be going to church every week. I should not be so insecure. I should be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Shouldn't I have more of my life figured out by now?
But the problem with should is that it is consumed with guilt, shame, judgment, pain, and regret. It isn't the compassionate voice that I need in my life right now. Even just typing it out felt wrong at this point and I just had this realization like 5 hours ago.
But watch what happens when I replace should with could.
This is my life. I could be married. I could be well on my way to having children. I could be living in community with my family in the United States with a job. I could have a father who is speaking to me. I could be going to church every week. I could not be so insecure. I could be farther along in my life than I am at age 29. Could I have more of my life figured out by now?
The whole vibe and tone changes. Could brings hope and leaves room for grace and understanding. Could is the compassionate voice I have been looking for. Because when I change should to could, I can further expand on these ideas.
See what else happens with could:
I could be married, but I'm not. If I were still married, there would be a lot of misery and unhealthy things that are just not good for either of us. So, I could be married, but I'm not and that's okay.
I could be well on my way to having children, but I'm not married. This leaves room for the growth that I need right now. I'm dealing with some difficult things in my life and growing and becoming more secure with myself. As much as I want children, it's okay that they aren't here yet.
I could be in the United States but I've gotten to live in another country and experience a different part of the world. It has has been really exciting and I have enjoyed learning about a new culture and getting to meet some lovely people from all over the world!
I could have a father who talks to me. I don't currently. It's really sad. There's hope that maybe someday that might change. But I have done the best I can with the tools I have at the moment and that has to be okay for now.
I could be going to church every week. Right now, that's not what I need. Every time I walk into church, I get really angry about the process of how it is done and how it alienates outsiders. Maybe someday I will be in a place to be able to help make some changes within the church but now is not that time. It's okay that I'm not going to church every week right now.
I could not be so insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm more secure in myself now than I have ever been. I do have a long way to go, but I have grown in this area. I will continue to grow in this area and for now, my insecurities make sense based on my life story. It's okay that I have insecurities. It's okay for me to be human.
I could be farther along in life at the age of 29, but what does that really mean? It's really what society has told me and not what my life is and who I am. So, I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. Broken, sad, grieving a failed marriage....no not a "failed" marriage. It's just a marriage that didn't work out at this time. All of this is okay. This is part of my life and part of my story. It doesn't mean I "should" be in some different place. I am where I am and that's okay.
Could I have more of my life figured out by now? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter? Not really. For now, living in the present is really what is important for me. I need to see the good that is here now.
So, changing should to could might be one of the most powerful things I can do for my life in this season. It takes away the guilt, shame, and regret and replaces it with compassion, understanding, and peace. That's what I need in my life right now. My life could be anything I want it to be. That's both a relief and very scary but overall it means that "should" isn't the right word for my life and really needs to be taken out of my vocabulary...maybe permanently.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part III
Learning to Love Myself: Part III
One thing I finally decided was that I wanted to actually do something about the back problems that I have had. One thing every doctor I have talked to has said, that regardless of my weight something that doesn't help is my lack of core muscles. That puts extra strain on my back. So, I decided I wanted to build up my core. Now, the problem with consistent exercise in my life has more to do with mentality than anything else. I can be super determined for a week and then all motivation goes to shit because really I care more about other people than I do myself. In an effort to continue down this path of loving myself, I came up with a plan.
For some reason, I actually don't mind doing sit-ups. The problem though is that I will do around 50 and then be done forever. Like I mentioned, it has more to do with my mental state. I created a 60-day challenge for myself. The first day I would do 2 sit-ups and then every consecutive day I would just add 2 sit-ups. So, day two would be 4 sit-ups and day three would be 6 sit-ups and so on until I get to 120 sit-ups on day 60. I even created myself a little chart to cross of the days that I had done because, well, I'm a list oriented person.
I had no idea it would be so effective! The first day felt really silly, just doing 2 sit-ups. I almost did more because of how silly it felt. But, I told myself that's not the point. The point is to gradually get me into a habit and to keep me wanting more. It worked. I can proudly say that today I am half way through the challenge and I just did 60 sit-ups! It feels great to finally be doing something consistent for myself in a physical way. In the future, I hope to add more things than just sit ups but for now, one thing at a time will get me into the habit of doing something physical every day and actually enjoy what I am doing.
One thing I finally decided was that I wanted to actually do something about the back problems that I have had. One thing every doctor I have talked to has said, that regardless of my weight something that doesn't help is my lack of core muscles. That puts extra strain on my back. So, I decided I wanted to build up my core. Now, the problem with consistent exercise in my life has more to do with mentality than anything else. I can be super determined for a week and then all motivation goes to shit because really I care more about other people than I do myself. In an effort to continue down this path of loving myself, I came up with a plan.
For some reason, I actually don't mind doing sit-ups. The problem though is that I will do around 50 and then be done forever. Like I mentioned, it has more to do with my mental state. I created a 60-day challenge for myself. The first day I would do 2 sit-ups and then every consecutive day I would just add 2 sit-ups. So, day two would be 4 sit-ups and day three would be 6 sit-ups and so on until I get to 120 sit-ups on day 60. I even created myself a little chart to cross of the days that I had done because, well, I'm a list oriented person.
I had no idea it would be so effective! The first day felt really silly, just doing 2 sit-ups. I almost did more because of how silly it felt. But, I told myself that's not the point. The point is to gradually get me into a habit and to keep me wanting more. It worked. I can proudly say that today I am half way through the challenge and I just did 60 sit-ups! It feels great to finally be doing something consistent for myself in a physical way. In the future, I hope to add more things than just sit ups but for now, one thing at a time will get me into the habit of doing something physical every day and actually enjoy what I am doing.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Spiraling
One overwhelming thought springs to mind. It doesn't have to be anything significant, just something tied to a deep emotion. This is easy to do in my world. I feel deeply. This feeling grows and the thoughts become more and more. It makes me feel like I'm free falling with nothing to grab hold of. It's not the sensation of flying because that would be glorious. It's the terror of what might come at the bottom. Spinning, twirling, upside down and flipping out of control. No structure. No sense of balance. No way to know what is up or down or right or left. My whole navigation system is off. The world feels like a vortex of chaos. The thoughts now jump out randomly like some video game where you try to avoid hitting things as you are going way too fast. But really, I'm terrible at the game so I hit every one of them. This means that I start flipping around more like a ping pong ball and I absorb everything I hit. Every new thing I hit is another thought and another emotion combined and compounds whatever was before it. The layers of thoughts and feelings cannot even be expressed. This is my spiral. This is what happens in the time span of seconds.
But then, I start saying the things out loud. If I have a person to say them to, the layers become less. The emotion starts to ease. The blurred images become actual words and not just random thoughts of chaos spiraling out of control. My words give the things meaning. My words allow the emotions to feel instead of being stifled up inside. I stop flipping. I slowly stop spinning. The ground is in sight and I'm able to land on my feet. Grounded, I can see the spiral that was above like there was no gravity for a few minutes and now I have a sense of myself and the world around me again. The root emotion can be recognized, named, and therefore felt and let go.
Maybe this is what it is like for others who also externally process. I hope to start to notice my symptoms sooner and I hope to be able to talk myself out of the spiraling vortex. With time and practice, I believe this is possible. Until then, thank you to those of you who have been my sounding boards, who essentially have been the person holding the rope (I couldn't see) and brought me back safely to the ground again.
But then, I start saying the things out loud. If I have a person to say them to, the layers become less. The emotion starts to ease. The blurred images become actual words and not just random thoughts of chaos spiraling out of control. My words give the things meaning. My words allow the emotions to feel instead of being stifled up inside. I stop flipping. I slowly stop spinning. The ground is in sight and I'm able to land on my feet. Grounded, I can see the spiral that was above like there was no gravity for a few minutes and now I have a sense of myself and the world around me again. The root emotion can be recognized, named, and therefore felt and let go.
Maybe this is what it is like for others who also externally process. I hope to start to notice my symptoms sooner and I hope to be able to talk myself out of the spiraling vortex. With time and practice, I believe this is possible. Until then, thank you to those of you who have been my sounding boards, who essentially have been the person holding the rope (I couldn't see) and brought me back safely to the ground again.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Shattered
Shattered
The pieces lie there
All over the floor
It's the kind where
Little pieces scattered
To every nook and cranny in the room
Too overwhelmed
Don't know where to start
Each piece represents
A different memory
A special emotion
This item is too precious
It cannot be thrown away
Can it be put back together?
It won't ever be the same
I can't look how it did before
There are too many pieces
But how does one
Put their own heart
Back together?
The pieces lie there
All over the floor
It's the kind where
Little pieces scattered
To every nook and cranny in the room
Too overwhelmed
Don't know where to start
Each piece represents
A different memory
A special emotion
This item is too precious
It cannot be thrown away
Can it be put back together?
It won't ever be the same
I can't look how it did before
There are too many pieces
But how does one
Put their own heart
Back together?
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Learning to Love Myself: Part II
6-8-17
Learning to Love Myself: Part II
As you know, I have been going to counseling. It has been really beneficial and enlightening. One thing that I am working on right now is learning how to have a compassionate voice for myself. It's definitely not an easy thing to do especially when I have spent the last 29 years basically berating and criticizing myself. With time and practice, I'm starting to slowly see and recognize when I'm being too hard on myself and that's definitely the first step.
As I'm learning to have a compassionate voice, that leaves room for me to think about who I am and how I came to be. For example, no wonder I have identity issues. The formative years when most start to build their identity was in the middle of the chaos of my family when my parents were getting a divorce. I'm even to a point where I'm not blaming them for this. I'm just acknowledging what happened and now I understand that this is why I have this problem.
The epiphany I had today was a bit different. But first I am going to go on a bit of a rabbit trail because I think it might help the analogy a little. I have known many people in my life who have ADHD. I'm really fascinated by this and ask lots of questions to try and better understand because it truly is a different way to function in the world and difficult for them to do in a world where most people don't understand and expect things that are really difficult for people with ADHD to do. One thing I found in my conversations with them is that most people with ADHD happen to be picky eaters. This is just my own theory and I by no means have done any scientific research on this, but I believe it is because it is one thing in their life they actually can have control over. When everything around them overstimulates them in different ways, what they put in their mouth doesn't need to add to that overstimules and so they seem like they are picky about what they eat when in fact it is sort of a coping mechanism to work in the world of chaos around them.
I believe I have a different kind of coping mechanism that helped keep me safe and allowed me to function in the chaos around me when I was younger. I'm an obsessive planner. Being able to plan allowed me to do things in my life when I was a teenager that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise because my parents are also planners. My friends being spontaneous was not something they were on board with. But beyond that, I was excellent at planning for my homework and applying for college and doing everything I needed to succeed. Planning was safe because it was something I could control in my chaotic world.
But, there are some things that kept us safe that we should or have outgrown. There's a time where you have to let go of mom and dad's hands and walk on your own. Although planning can be a useful tool, it has in some ways become an excessive paranoia of mine because that's what used to keep me safe. The reality is it doesn't keep me safe anymore. That's not how real life works. Super planning often leads to disappointment and "failure" because I don't leave room for real life.
So, as I learn where this part of me has come from, I can understand and be compassionate with myself. I can start to acknowledge that it is a useful tool and not something I need all the time. It will be difficult to start to let this part of me go, but it is the only way I'll make strides toward being able to fly.
In trying to keep pace with my new self developments, I won't be making any plans about what comes next in my life until July. I'm giving myself the month of June to grow and develop and try to let go of some of the obsessive planning habits I have collected. It's definitely not easy. I often lay awake at night or the very early morning thinking about potential plans and I have to verbally tell myself to stop. Habits are truly hard to break but I need to continue to learn balance in my life. Planning is good in some ways but being obsessive about it will only continue to harm me at this point in my life.
Compassionate voice:
Jessica, it's okay that you struggle with this. You can only take one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others. You will continue to obsessively plan some days and other days you will chill out and wait and let yourself live life. It's okay. You're human. Let yourself be human and make mistakes. This journey is guiding you to your best self and in the mean time it's okay that you're not there. It's okay to be you as you are right now. Love you and let others love you. That's what life is really all about. Isn't it?
Thanks for journeying with me friends and family. I love you!
Learning to Love Myself: Part II
As you know, I have been going to counseling. It has been really beneficial and enlightening. One thing that I am working on right now is learning how to have a compassionate voice for myself. It's definitely not an easy thing to do especially when I have spent the last 29 years basically berating and criticizing myself. With time and practice, I'm starting to slowly see and recognize when I'm being too hard on myself and that's definitely the first step.
As I'm learning to have a compassionate voice, that leaves room for me to think about who I am and how I came to be. For example, no wonder I have identity issues. The formative years when most start to build their identity was in the middle of the chaos of my family when my parents were getting a divorce. I'm even to a point where I'm not blaming them for this. I'm just acknowledging what happened and now I understand that this is why I have this problem.
The epiphany I had today was a bit different. But first I am going to go on a bit of a rabbit trail because I think it might help the analogy a little. I have known many people in my life who have ADHD. I'm really fascinated by this and ask lots of questions to try and better understand because it truly is a different way to function in the world and difficult for them to do in a world where most people don't understand and expect things that are really difficult for people with ADHD to do. One thing I found in my conversations with them is that most people with ADHD happen to be picky eaters. This is just my own theory and I by no means have done any scientific research on this, but I believe it is because it is one thing in their life they actually can have control over. When everything around them overstimulates them in different ways, what they put in their mouth doesn't need to add to that overstimules and so they seem like they are picky about what they eat when in fact it is sort of a coping mechanism to work in the world of chaos around them.
I believe I have a different kind of coping mechanism that helped keep me safe and allowed me to function in the chaos around me when I was younger. I'm an obsessive planner. Being able to plan allowed me to do things in my life when I was a teenager that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise because my parents are also planners. My friends being spontaneous was not something they were on board with. But beyond that, I was excellent at planning for my homework and applying for college and doing everything I needed to succeed. Planning was safe because it was something I could control in my chaotic world.
But, there are some things that kept us safe that we should or have outgrown. There's a time where you have to let go of mom and dad's hands and walk on your own. Although planning can be a useful tool, it has in some ways become an excessive paranoia of mine because that's what used to keep me safe. The reality is it doesn't keep me safe anymore. That's not how real life works. Super planning often leads to disappointment and "failure" because I don't leave room for real life.
So, as I learn where this part of me has come from, I can understand and be compassionate with myself. I can start to acknowledge that it is a useful tool and not something I need all the time. It will be difficult to start to let this part of me go, but it is the only way I'll make strides toward being able to fly.
In trying to keep pace with my new self developments, I won't be making any plans about what comes next in my life until July. I'm giving myself the month of June to grow and develop and try to let go of some of the obsessive planning habits I have collected. It's definitely not easy. I often lay awake at night or the very early morning thinking about potential plans and I have to verbally tell myself to stop. Habits are truly hard to break but I need to continue to learn balance in my life. Planning is good in some ways but being obsessive about it will only continue to harm me at this point in my life.
Compassionate voice:
Jessica, it's okay that you struggle with this. You can only take one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others. You will continue to obsessively plan some days and other days you will chill out and wait and let yourself live life. It's okay. You're human. Let yourself be human and make mistakes. This journey is guiding you to your best self and in the mean time it's okay that you're not there. It's okay to be you as you are right now. Love you and let others love you. That's what life is really all about. Isn't it?
Thanks for journeying with me friends and family. I love you!
Monday, May 8, 2017
Learning to Love myself: Part I
Learning to Love Myself: Part I
Well, during my first counseling session, I dove in head first and discovered that I haven't loved myself. Like, if I were to ask myself the question, "Do you love yourself?", the answer would not be yes...at all. This is a hard, very sad thing to realize, but it is truth.
So, I thought for my first step in trying to love myself I would write myself a letter like how I would write my friends a letter in this given situation. I love to love on others and give affirmation and encouragement. I just don't know how to do it for myself. I have the skills to do it, so here's my first attempt.
Dearest Jessica,
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It sucks that you have to go through a divorce. There's not really any other thing to say about that. It's okay cry. It's okay to decompress. It's okay to avoid your feelings at times. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be numb. There's no right way to go through this process. Just take your time and do what you need to do.
Jessica, you are enough. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are not in the way. These are truths you need to hear over and over and over again. These are things you should start to say to yourself when you can. Until you can, I will say them to you. They are true. You are amazing. You are worthy of great love. You are talented and lovely. Know that I believe in you.
Giving you advice seems unhelpful at this juncture. I don't think there's anything you can do or I can do to fix it. As sucky and cliche as it sounds, healing takes time. And that really is OKAY. Have grace for yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need to stick to your 10 point plan. You don't have to revise it and make a new one over night. Just be. I know that's really hard, but it is important especially now. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not have it all figured out. Jessica, it's okay that not everything is okay. You don't have to be put together for everyone. No one expects you to be perfect. You don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.
As much as you love to be needed, it's okay that you need others right now. People love you and want to take care of you. It's okay to let them do that. It's okay to let others know what you need. It's okay to not really be able to offer much back sometimes. Relationships aren't a score-keeping game. You don't have to win by out giving everyone around you. It's not a game! Just let others take care of you. It's okay.
Jessica, you have an interesting, amazing, horrifying, beautiful mosaic of a story. It's molded you into this beautiful person both inside and out. Yes, there are things about you that aren't perfect, but I love you just as you are and not as you should be. Stop striving so much. Live a little. Let yourself be loved for once. And know that that love doesn't come with strings attached. You are worthy just as you are with nothing to offer. You don't have to be helpful. You don't have to do anything. I love you in your darkest moments. It really is okay to have dark moments.
Thank you for loving people around you deeply. Even if they don't say it or sometimes even know it, they appreciate you. You aren't in the way. You give others so much. Just stop for a little bit and love yourself for awhile. You're gonna be okay. The questions don't need to be answered right now. There doesn't need to be a plan. Be still. Be loved. You are enough.
Love,
Jessica
And now....all the tears. I knew my words can be powerful to others and often to myself when speaking to others, but I never really thought about speaking to myself in the same way. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone but myself, but I'm so glad I started writing tonight. It's a great step in healing and these are definitely words I need to hear right now.
Thanks for listening (I mean reading) and taking part in my journey.
Well, during my first counseling session, I dove in head first and discovered that I haven't loved myself. Like, if I were to ask myself the question, "Do you love yourself?", the answer would not be yes...at all. This is a hard, very sad thing to realize, but it is truth.
So, I thought for my first step in trying to love myself I would write myself a letter like how I would write my friends a letter in this given situation. I love to love on others and give affirmation and encouragement. I just don't know how to do it for myself. I have the skills to do it, so here's my first attempt.
Dearest Jessica,
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It sucks that you have to go through a divorce. There's not really any other thing to say about that. It's okay cry. It's okay to decompress. It's okay to avoid your feelings at times. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be numb. There's no right way to go through this process. Just take your time and do what you need to do.
Jessica, you are enough. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are not in the way. These are truths you need to hear over and over and over again. These are things you should start to say to yourself when you can. Until you can, I will say them to you. They are true. You are amazing. You are worthy of great love. You are talented and lovely. Know that I believe in you.
Giving you advice seems unhelpful at this juncture. I don't think there's anything you can do or I can do to fix it. As sucky and cliche as it sounds, healing takes time. And that really is OKAY. Have grace for yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need to stick to your 10 point plan. You don't have to revise it and make a new one over night. Just be. I know that's really hard, but it is important especially now. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not have it all figured out. Jessica, it's okay that not everything is okay. You don't have to be put together for everyone. No one expects you to be perfect. You don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.
As much as you love to be needed, it's okay that you need others right now. People love you and want to take care of you. It's okay to let them do that. It's okay to let others know what you need. It's okay to not really be able to offer much back sometimes. Relationships aren't a score-keeping game. You don't have to win by out giving everyone around you. It's not a game! Just let others take care of you. It's okay.
Jessica, you have an interesting, amazing, horrifying, beautiful mosaic of a story. It's molded you into this beautiful person both inside and out. Yes, there are things about you that aren't perfect, but I love you just as you are and not as you should be. Stop striving so much. Live a little. Let yourself be loved for once. And know that that love doesn't come with strings attached. You are worthy just as you are with nothing to offer. You don't have to be helpful. You don't have to do anything. I love you in your darkest moments. It really is okay to have dark moments.
Thank you for loving people around you deeply. Even if they don't say it or sometimes even know it, they appreciate you. You aren't in the way. You give others so much. Just stop for a little bit and love yourself for awhile. You're gonna be okay. The questions don't need to be answered right now. There doesn't need to be a plan. Be still. Be loved. You are enough.
Love,
Jessica
And now....all the tears. I knew my words can be powerful to others and often to myself when speaking to others, but I never really thought about speaking to myself in the same way. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone but myself, but I'm so glad I started writing tonight. It's a great step in healing and these are definitely words I need to hear right now.
Thanks for listening (I mean reading) and taking part in my journey.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Hard Truths about myself and the Hope that is in the Journey
It's amazing to me how the moment I start to give up all hope and want to throw in the towel how God intervenes. Or maybe it's just a moment where I'm able to see more clearly what has been going on all along. I'm not going to pretend I know how God works. That's something I've been discovering over and over again that God is much more than the God I was taught and sometimes a lot different than what I was taught or even thought for myself. So, that being said, I don't know the ways of God. I can't even begin to comprehend how he works or all the things about him. All I do know are the experiences I have and the moments where I just have this gut feeling that he is there and he is working.
Recent events in my life have been... well, there's no better way to say this than "Royally Fucked Up". Going through a divorce is tough. The circumstances of mine are rather interesting. He just didn't know he didn't want to be married until after the fact. I'm not going to pretend that any of that is okay, but I'm also not going to berate him on social media. It is what it is and I have to move on. I don't think I'll ever regret marrying him. He has made me a better person.
Then, for whatever reason, I decided to get on Tinder. Now, I know that in the United States there's an interesting stigma that goes on with having a Tinder account. It's like everyone's secret of shame or something because it is mostly known as the "hook up" online dating application. But, being in a different country, makes it more difficult to meet someone. Most people have a type, mine happens to not be Korean guys. I have met some amazing Korean people, but I'm not attracted to Korean men. I will be honest and brave enough to say that I have a thing for black guys with a cute smile. I met a guy. We started hanging out and spending a lot of time together. Basically we were dating without the title because well, on paper, I'm still married. I find it to be a formality at this point and nothing more, but I get how that can be a deterrence to someone who might be interested in me.
I thought I was falling in love. But really, I was in love with the attention I was getting. I'd been waiting my whole life for someone to call me beautiful and want to touch me and love on me in ways that were just not there before. So, I do what girls do....well what I do. I ran in head first and expected a fairy tale. Imagine that, no such thing occurred. I got my heartbroken for the second time in 2017. Again, I'm not about to post all the details on social media. Again, I don't regret the experience one bit. We had a lot of fun. It's just not what I thought it was going to be.
So at this point, I'm like wow. What's the point of life? Really my life has been one disappointment after another. I know I'm a dreamer. I know I have wildly high expectations for myself and often others. Maybe it's time to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and get a better glimpse of some reality. Stop living in the clouds and clearly decide what it is that I want out of life. Can I really have it all? Probably not. So what are the most important pieces?
Well, for most of my life my plan has revolved around a man. And coming from a feminist who believes women are more than baby makers and house cleaners that sounds strange and irritating to even myself. But when faced with the hard truth...well, I have been that boy crazy girl. I don't like admitting that. In fact, it pains me to admit it and it makes me really sad, but it's true. So now I've been sitting in heartache and pain. Maybe I got my fairy tale already and it's over. How can I think I would get another one? But, was it really a fairy tale then? Well, the beginning definitely was but soon fizzled into not. But, what are fairy tales anyway? And why am I planning my life around a man anyway? What do I really want out of life? Can I take a different approach and let my dreams go?
As you can see, I've had many, many questions in the last couple of months. Those are just some of them. And then something interesting happened. I started to say some of this out loud and then proceeded to get back on Tinder. I was fully aware of the craziness of that. But, I felt like saying, "Fuck it. I want to have fun. I enjoy getting attention from guys. I'm gonna lean in for now until I figure some shit out." And then a couple of days ago I went on a date with an interesting man. We have a lot in common. He was a gentleman. And I was reminded that my dream is not actually impossible. Though I've known always there are great men out there (I have met many). We are all broken people. And being as broken as I am, what makes me worthy of a love story? But regardless of how things go with this guy, I was reminded of God's goodness. The date was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in time. Dreaming isn't a bad thing. I have some truths I need to face in my life and I still have a lot growing to do as a person, but I don't need to change the fact that I'm a dreamer just because some shit happened in my life.
And then!!!! I got to go on vacation with my Korean mom. That's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the balcony of the pension we are in in Taean, South Korea. It over looks the ocean and a beautiful flower garden. We enjoyed the beach and the rocks and the sounds of the ocean and the birds. The fresh air has breathed new spirit into my soul. It has been amazing. Again, I'm reminded of God's goodness. Here I sit with a smile on my face because today has been so great. Hope is still here. Joy still exists. Through great pain, I can experience great joy. That's really how it works. You can't really experience one without the other. I've been reminded of that today.
So, yes everything sucks. There's still pain. There's still deep sorrow. That's not going to go away in an instance. My experiences have sucked. But I still wouldn't trade them. They truly have formed me into the person I am today. I am a better person because of these experiences. I shouldn't let them rob me of my future or even my present life. My goal right now is to find the joy in today. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to experience God in new ways. I want to wrap my brain around merging my past self and my new self together in a whole new Jessica with a confidence I've never had before. I want to not give up on my dreams. I want to be a beacon of light for others to remind them of hope and joy and be there for them and cry with them. I want to help others. I have always wanted to do that. The best way I can do that right now is by investing in myself.
So Monday, I start counseling. This isn't the first time I've done so, but it's at a different time in my life and with a professional. I'm looking forward to delving into myself in ways I haven't done or couldn't have done before. I'm looking forward to discovering parts of me and parts of the world and parts of God. I know I won't have all the answers, but I'm looking forward to the journey.
I think that's the first time I've ever been able to say that truthfully. I've always been interested in the destination. I have had no patience for myself and the journey. But, my life has taught me that the journey is what makes us, us. The journey is what defines me. The journey is what life is. So, let this journey begin on this beautiful spring day with God readily in my sights.
Recent events in my life have been... well, there's no better way to say this than "Royally Fucked Up". Going through a divorce is tough. The circumstances of mine are rather interesting. He just didn't know he didn't want to be married until after the fact. I'm not going to pretend that any of that is okay, but I'm also not going to berate him on social media. It is what it is and I have to move on. I don't think I'll ever regret marrying him. He has made me a better person.
Then, for whatever reason, I decided to get on Tinder. Now, I know that in the United States there's an interesting stigma that goes on with having a Tinder account. It's like everyone's secret of shame or something because it is mostly known as the "hook up" online dating application. But, being in a different country, makes it more difficult to meet someone. Most people have a type, mine happens to not be Korean guys. I have met some amazing Korean people, but I'm not attracted to Korean men. I will be honest and brave enough to say that I have a thing for black guys with a cute smile. I met a guy. We started hanging out and spending a lot of time together. Basically we were dating without the title because well, on paper, I'm still married. I find it to be a formality at this point and nothing more, but I get how that can be a deterrence to someone who might be interested in me.
I thought I was falling in love. But really, I was in love with the attention I was getting. I'd been waiting my whole life for someone to call me beautiful and want to touch me and love on me in ways that were just not there before. So, I do what girls do....well what I do. I ran in head first and expected a fairy tale. Imagine that, no such thing occurred. I got my heartbroken for the second time in 2017. Again, I'm not about to post all the details on social media. Again, I don't regret the experience one bit. We had a lot of fun. It's just not what I thought it was going to be.
So at this point, I'm like wow. What's the point of life? Really my life has been one disappointment after another. I know I'm a dreamer. I know I have wildly high expectations for myself and often others. Maybe it's time to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and get a better glimpse of some reality. Stop living in the clouds and clearly decide what it is that I want out of life. Can I really have it all? Probably not. So what are the most important pieces?
Well, for most of my life my plan has revolved around a man. And coming from a feminist who believes women are more than baby makers and house cleaners that sounds strange and irritating to even myself. But when faced with the hard truth...well, I have been that boy crazy girl. I don't like admitting that. In fact, it pains me to admit it and it makes me really sad, but it's true. So now I've been sitting in heartache and pain. Maybe I got my fairy tale already and it's over. How can I think I would get another one? But, was it really a fairy tale then? Well, the beginning definitely was but soon fizzled into not. But, what are fairy tales anyway? And why am I planning my life around a man anyway? What do I really want out of life? Can I take a different approach and let my dreams go?
As you can see, I've had many, many questions in the last couple of months. Those are just some of them. And then something interesting happened. I started to say some of this out loud and then proceeded to get back on Tinder. I was fully aware of the craziness of that. But, I felt like saying, "Fuck it. I want to have fun. I enjoy getting attention from guys. I'm gonna lean in for now until I figure some shit out." And then a couple of days ago I went on a date with an interesting man. We have a lot in common. He was a gentleman. And I was reminded that my dream is not actually impossible. Though I've known always there are great men out there (I have met many). We are all broken people. And being as broken as I am, what makes me worthy of a love story? But regardless of how things go with this guy, I was reminded of God's goodness. The date was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in time. Dreaming isn't a bad thing. I have some truths I need to face in my life and I still have a lot growing to do as a person, but I don't need to change the fact that I'm a dreamer just because some shit happened in my life.
And then!!!! I got to go on vacation with my Korean mom. That's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the balcony of the pension we are in in Taean, South Korea. It over looks the ocean and a beautiful flower garden. We enjoyed the beach and the rocks and the sounds of the ocean and the birds. The fresh air has breathed new spirit into my soul. It has been amazing. Again, I'm reminded of God's goodness. Here I sit with a smile on my face because today has been so great. Hope is still here. Joy still exists. Through great pain, I can experience great joy. That's really how it works. You can't really experience one without the other. I've been reminded of that today.
So, yes everything sucks. There's still pain. There's still deep sorrow. That's not going to go away in an instance. My experiences have sucked. But I still wouldn't trade them. They truly have formed me into the person I am today. I am a better person because of these experiences. I shouldn't let them rob me of my future or even my present life. My goal right now is to find the joy in today. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to experience God in new ways. I want to wrap my brain around merging my past self and my new self together in a whole new Jessica with a confidence I've never had before. I want to not give up on my dreams. I want to be a beacon of light for others to remind them of hope and joy and be there for them and cry with them. I want to help others. I have always wanted to do that. The best way I can do that right now is by investing in myself.
So Monday, I start counseling. This isn't the first time I've done so, but it's at a different time in my life and with a professional. I'm looking forward to delving into myself in ways I haven't done or couldn't have done before. I'm looking forward to discovering parts of me and parts of the world and parts of God. I know I won't have all the answers, but I'm looking forward to the journey.
I think that's the first time I've ever been able to say that truthfully. I've always been interested in the destination. I have had no patience for myself and the journey. But, my life has taught me that the journey is what makes us, us. The journey is what defines me. The journey is what life is. So, let this journey begin on this beautiful spring day with God readily in my sights.
Monday, March 27, 2017
Should isn't the right question: a conversation with God
Me: ...these are the harder questions. Do I have to answer them now? I don't think I even know the answers right now. So, Jesus, where are you in all of this? Where should I be going? What should I be doing?
God: Should isn't the right question. Jessica, I have given you free will. You are free to live your life.
Me: But God, what about all the things I was taught about needing to know what you are calling me to and seeking to hear for direction? What about right and wrong? What about sin and no sin? What about making the right decisions in the small details? What about...?
God: Child, I love you as you are and not as you should be. And who said "Should be" anyway? Not I. Some things you were taught or believe are wrong. I have given you freedom.
Me: But what about knowing your plan for my life?
God: You make the plan. You decide. You have choices.
Me: So I don't have some plan of destiny? There isn't a right answer?
God: No
Me: What have I been believing my whole life then?
God: In what others have told you and what you have told yourself.
Me: So now what? How do I choose to live well? How do I let go of dreams and promises that were made to me? What about the things I thought you said? What about my ideas of who you are?
God: Jess, my child, what do you think I have been doing? I have been slowly revealing myself to you as I truly am and not how others depict me. You can't handle it all at once. Be patient. I will continue to reveal myself to you. In the meantime, choose to take care of yourself and quit worrying so much. You're making others nervous. That's not who you are. Stop worrying and love. Be you and live. Know that life doesn't work as a detailed power point plan.
Me: Why not? I want it to.
God: I know. But trust me, it's better this way. Jessica, I love you as you are. It's okay to not have a plan or all the answers. Find inner peace. I am there. You don't have to worry so much and you definitely don't need to go so fast. Slow down. Take one step at a time and be free.
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Who decided what beauty is anyway?
Who decided what beauty is anyway?
It's a question I have really been pondering lately. I know sometimes, especially as women, we say that question to try to make ourselves feel better about our bodies. But, do we actually stop to really think about the reality of it? Like, who decided that having a flat stomach was beautiful? Who said that a woman's body should be hairless except for the head and the eyebrows? Who said having big boobs and a round butt was beautiful? Who said having big eyes was beautiful?
Being on the other side of the world has taught me something interesting. No matter where you're from or who you look like, a woman is looking to change something about herself. Women in Korea spend so much money on their faces. They buy lots of makeup and even get surgery to make their eyelids have a "double eyelid" like westerners. They also want their skin to look whiter. This is what they view as beautiful. Many women in America want their bodies to look like the Korean women I have met.
Why?
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we think we have to change our appearances to be more beautiful? Why don't we accept what was given to us and find beauty in that? I know there are some real reasons to these questions having to do with business, the media, and what powerful men have said is beautiful, but why are we buying into the bullshit?
Seriously, in many ways we have come so far. In many places, women are very successful in the workplace. We are working towards equal pay and family leave. In America, and other parts of the world, we now have a voice to vote and help make changes to the political systems. Why are we still stuck on what others tell us about beauty when we have said "Fuck you" to the other things that people said women couldn't do? Why do we buy into the lies that we are not beautiful as we are? Why do we buy diet pills, wear uncomfortable things, and all sorts of crazy things to change our appearances?
Okay, sometimes it's fun and it's just nice to do something different to make ourselves feel really good. Sometimes it's out of creativity and how we engage the world. Not all of us are so insecure about our bodies feeling the need to change them.
For myself, I have found that serveral factors go into my body image issues. Watching my mother swing diet growing up, seeing what the media portrayed as beauty, and listening to men around me who I desperately wanted to like me back are a few of the reasons I have struggled for so long with my body and issues of beauty.
But fuck that! Who cares what the media says is beautiful? My mom obviously had some issues for herself, but should I also take on the same demons? No way! And who the hell cares what a man says to me about changing my body?! If he doesn't like who I am as I am, well then he doesn't deserve me. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am great. I am amazing. I don't need to change my appearance beacause who defined beauty anyways? I'm gonna define my own view of beauty. I am beautiful. It doesn't matter what anyone else says.
I say that now...I have confidence and am up on my high horse. Tomorrow will be different. I will probably start to feel the twinge of defeat and look at myself in the mirror and want to change something again. I do think it's a slow process of changing my inner dialogue though. I know I try to help my fellow female friends by telling them that they are beautiful. But let's be honest ladies, most of us are grateful but really want to hear it from a guy who loves us and not just our female friends. But, what we ought to be doing is telling ourselves this everyday until we believe it. Our inner dialogue to ourselves is so very important. It's something I come back to time and time again.
When I was in college, I had an inner dialogue that said "You're stupid", to myself all the time. It even spilled out into conversation so much so that my exboyfriend called me out on it. It was one of the best things he ever did for me. At first, I was just trying to make him happy so out loud I would say, "I'm so silly" instead of "I'm so stupid" but overtime that started to change and my inner dialogue was no longer calling myself stupid. And truly I don't know where that lie ever started because I have never been stupid.
Lately, I have been telling myself "I'm amazing!" and slowly I have been starting to believe this. Slowly my inner dialogue is changing. Slowly I'm starting to stand up for myself and believe in myself and know that I'm worth it.
I need to start doing the same thing with my appearance. "I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!!" It doesn't matter what anyone else says, I don't need to change parts of myself to be more beautiful. I am just the way I am.
And who the fuck thought it was okay to define beauty anyway? Seriously, if you are a person who has ever told a woman she needed to change her appearance for cosmetic reasons only (not health) shame on you. SHAME ON YOU!!!! It is so damaging. It is so harmful. And not because women are weak and can't handle being told criticism. It's because it's not true. It's a lie and it holds women back from being great because they are concerned about bettering themselves. Bettering yourself is a sign of strength. But we shouldn't be so concerned about bettering our appearances. We should be bettering our minds, hearts and souls and changing the world around us. We should not be seeking to better our appearances. It's a waste of time because we are focused on the lie.
Today, I'm strong. I am beautiful. I will focus on bettering my mind, heart and soul. I will not be focused on my physical appearance. I pity the man who comes my way and says something differently today. He won't be ready for the rant that is coming his way beacuase this all is a bunch of bullshit and you better belive he needs to know it. Sorry guy, you gotta learn sometime.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Overwhelmed about to burst
Overwhelmed about to burst
welling up, my heart seems to grow
I want to sing
I want to dance
Can barely contain myself
Coming from a deep place
it's there beyond me
it doesn't make sense
this feeling is too great
to feel for one messy human being
but it's there
far passed my own abilities
I'm in love
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Holeish
Empty but full
Longing yet peace
Strange and sincere
Open and shut
Far, near
Both pain and joy
It's truly hard to describe
The feeling of missing
A person you love so dear
It's easier to get angry
It's simpler to ignore
Avoidance is the key
Because understanding doesn't exist
The complexity of missing
Is beyond my comprehension
For once, I sit
Letting this feeling come
Not understanding
But accepting my reality
It's painful but somehow
I feel closer
So here I lie
Pretending I'm surrounded
by you
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)