Christmas Denial

For me, Christmas has always been a special holiday. In general, I tend to be a joyful, bubbly person. This is a holiday that brings that to light more clearly. My face lights up at the littlest things this time of year: any sign or hint of snow falling, the smallest displays of Christmas lights, smells of baking, getting to wrap presents and so much more. Over the years, it has definitely changed from when I was a child, but I still was able to hold onto the light of that spirit that I knew from when I was a child. Even among some treacherous life stuff. Through it all, Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.

The past two years changed. Maybe I started to grow up. Maybe I let something inside of me die. Maybe I finally succumbed to what everyone has to figure out....that Christmas spirit I once knew has seemed to disappear. I have been denying it for sometime. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to believe forever that this was the most wonderful time of year. It was my safe place. A happy place where my real life could disappear into the fabric of the background because it was Christmas. It was magical. And don't get be wrong, I always stopped to reflect on the reason for the celebration and marveled at what God had done for us. I also tried not to get caught up in the materialistic commercialism that has infiltrated this season. I would make crafts and decorations of my own and bake cookies and knit scarves and do whatever I could to engage in the season. I am definitely one of those that started listening to Christmas music way too early...according to many. But, it all made me happy. It was me getting to be me.

This year is different.

We all know 2016 has been....well special and not in a good way. I don't need to remind you the awful and horrific things this year has brought. It has brought some really good and unexpected things as well. January 1st of 2016 I didn't imagine sitting here, in South Korea, getting to follow one of my dreams. But, following dreams doesn't come for free. I am having to spend Christmas away from what I know to be Christmas and I can honestly say I have been in denial of the season for quite some time. Although I bought materials to make Christmas cards in October, the bag sits in the corner untouched. I downloaded a play list of Christmas music only to have played it occasionally and not really pay too close attention to it. I haven't even sung along! Today is December 24th, Christmas Eve and I don't believe it. I have been fighting it. If I choose to live in today that means Christmas, or at least what I know to be Christmas will have gone on without me and that makes me incredibly sad. It rips at my heart and stings like something I have never felt before. Instead of allowing myself to feel that, instead of thinking of the pain, I have just denied that it is December. Not even always consciously. For the first two weeks of December, I was still writing 11 when I needed to write the date. How can it really be Christmas without me?

About a few hours ago, I decided to stop being in denial and do something Christmasy. I found the one movie that I watched like every year with my family: The Santa Clause. I turned on Christmas music and sang along. I got dressed up to go out with my friends in a little bit. I talked with my grandma, Omi. I am starting to feel like myself again. It feels a little like Christmas. Although I will have to deal with the pain, I will have to accept that Christmas in Indiana and Ohio will go on without me. I know I will be missed, but it will still continue to go on. Time to get out of denial and work through the rest of the stages of grief so I can actually come to accept what is happening right now.

I imagine I will be listening to Christmas for the next month or so since I missed out before hand. I will make my Christmas cards and send them out late and do other things, but Christmas denial has got to go. This year has been a crazy one, but I cannot let 2016 rob me of my favorite time of year. So, here's to all of you struggling with the feeling of Christmas this season. This feeling is a choice and today I am going to choose it. I am going to be joyful and even feel the pain. Christ was born in uncertain times. I mean for goodness sake he was born in a barn because of the political climate! But Christ brought hope. I must remember that hope and choose to remember to celebrate what this season is about. I know that Christians took over other holidays and Christ was really born a different time of year, but that doesn't change what or why I am celebrating. Jesus, thanks for coming to this world. God, thanks for giving us this precious gift. Thanks for showing us how to love those we thought were unlovable. Thank you for showing us there can be peace. Thank you for showing us to not just wait for you to come back, but to bring heaven to earth with the gifts you have given us. Help me to be an avenue where your light shines through. Help me to be a magnet of love and joy. Allow me to be the Christmas spirit and share with those around me even though I don't feel like it. Help me to stop and cry when I need to. Today, I choose joy.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your days be merry and bright.

Love,
Jess

slipping into nothing

slipping into nothing
falling face first
gasping for breath
trying to find something to hold
will anyone notice
if I decide to let go?

wanting to throw a toaster at someone's head

wanting to throw a toaster at someone's head
never seemed like a thing I would ever consider in life
I was very wrong
who knew that it would be at the person I most love in the world?
everyone
it's amazing that love and hate can be so closely related
that's why the color red represents both anger and love
on one hand it makes no sense at all
why would I want to throw a toaster at someone I love?
on the other it makes perfect sense
you never get close enough to someone you don't love
why would you?

it feels amazing to create

It feels amazing to create
will this high last forever?
know that it won't
with sharing the creativity
comes the wretchedness of
knowing what others might think
it is enough to make one not share
it is enough to crush the soul
but sharing is what makes it live
I don't want it to die
so my choice is made
the high will die
will i let the art die with it?

Revelation of self has come

Revelation of self has come
what will I do about it?
will I sit in what I knew?
it's comfortable here
but it won't be comfortable for long
the guilt will set in
I will have to move forward
change is imminent
I must move forward
it will be hard but it will be good
for now I sit
waiting for the moment
I can no longer be still

More on South Korea

So my whole plan to keep writing all kinds of things about my adventures in South Korea definitely stopped. Part of me is apologetic about this but the other part remembers how tired I was. It's really draining moving to a new place you know nothing about starting a new job, being illiterate, not being able to communicate, being exposed to new germs and getting sick, and much more.

Despite all of the transitional things that come with the adventure, I have been eojoying my time here in South Korea. It truly is amazing to not have to have a car. Things are very cheap and there is so much to do!

One thing that I love about Korea is that it is definitely a night time culture. People tend to stay out all night (and not just on the weekends). The main grocery store in my town doesn't even open until 10am and closes at 12am. It's delightful. I mean for me it is because I am definitely not a morning person. I haven't experienced much of the night life though because by the time I am done teaching for the day, I can be pretty spent but I do enjoy going to dinner with my coworkers. Mind you we have dinner around 9 or 10pm. Again something to get used to but I enjoy it. It's really fun.

Something else I enjoy are all the small businesses. I am very curious to know how the small business world works around here. I feel like they are doing something better and different than we do in the States because small business people seem to do really well. Now maybe my perspective is skewed because I have never lived in a city before but that's how it seems. There are small businesses everywhere! And by everywhere I literally mean that. In spaces you couldn't even imagine fitting a thing there will be a small store. Korea is very resourceful in using space. It can get a bit tight with other people around but it's creative and beautiful to see the small businesses everywhere. It boggles my brain that all of them can make a profit with so much competition. There can be many of the same time of restaurant all in the same place and some how people go to those places. It makes my heart happy.

The subway is both amazing and a little terrifying. I can take the subway to get just about anywhere in the Seoul area and even beyond. It's also really cheap and super fast. But, you never really know who crowded it is going to be. I didn't even understand how many people you can fit on the subway. I remember thinking once, there is no way we can fit more people onto this car. We are full. (and by full, I mean not having any personal space and standing right next to someone on all sides of you). I was wrong. Those people got on the subway and somehow we squished closer together. I told you Korea is extremely resourceful with small spaces. Anyway being American, this can be quite difficult. I am used to my personal space. I am accostumed to being able to move around and people move out of the way and vice versa. That's just not how the culture is here and it can get a bit overwhelming at times. Sometimes it makes me really angry and other times I remember that just because it's different doesn't make it wrong or rude. So I like taking the subway....most days. :-)

Well that's all I have to share right now but I will share more in the future. Read if you're interested. 

Thoughts in the aftermath

Abba,

Here I am. Here you are. Here we are.

You know all of the things. I can barely bring myself to write about these things for fear that I may not actually be dreaming and it is in fact real. But, it is in fact real. The President Elect of the United States is Donald Trump. Some relationships in my life are falling apart. I am in South Korea away from all of my family and friends. My future is in the balance. Finances are shit. My dog is in Indiana and I am in South Korea.

How is all of this and more happening all at the same time?

AND these are all just my white girl problems.....

I didn't even touch on the racism and hatred that is going on in America right now. My heart hurts. Yet, I sit here not fully entering into my emotions. Not really letting myself think too much about what is happening. And the thing is, I have the privlege of doing that because I am white and I currently don't reside in the US. I can escape and not dig in. And that makes me feel even more terrible.

I will never completely understand.

I have never been so poor that I didn't have a roof over my head or food to eat. I have a college education. I have white skin. There are so many things I will truly never understand, but that doesn't mean I can stay blind. I have to enter in. I need to feel angry and sad. I need to go through all the stages of grief. I must. There is racism, classism, sexism and more happening all around. The people who have lived their entire lives this way are tired. They have been through the stages of grief probably many times. To quote a friend of mine, "I have no more tears left." This is the reality that many have had to live in their entire lives. I and many have just started waking up to it in the past few years. Others have been fighting alongside for longer. The marginalized cannot fight without the help of the people who have privilege.

So how do I help? How do I bring a voice to those who don't have one? How do I enter in when I am already so very tired? I can't afford to be tired. But there's a balance of self care right? Fuck that. Is that selfish? Yes. Is it bad? No. There is truth to needing to take care of one's self in order to be able to help others, but when is that a cop out answer? When am I actually being inauthentic with myself? Am I actually too tired? Am I being lazy? Am I too comfortable in my white privilege skin and life? Can I really not go on any further? Probably not. I can go much further than I give myself credit for. You (God) have given me an amazing brain that is able to endure more than I even understand. But why do so many have to endure so much in 2016 in America? What the fuck?!

So how do I help? What can I do? God please tell me because I have no fucking clue.

Me

To my hurting friends and family-

I want you to know that I love you. You are valued. I value you. I want to enter in. If you need to talk about anything or nothing, I am here. I may be many miles away physically but we do live in an amazing technology age and I have the ability to talk. I will not be silent. I will not stand by as you are mocked, ridiculed, harrassed and abused. Please help me know how I can help...if I can help. Help me to know when I just need to listen. Help me to understand where I am still ignorant. I know I have much to learn. But what I do know is that I am good at relationships and I am here for you.

Adventures a Plenty

I promise I will post more about South Korea but for now I have something i have been reflecting on that I want to process out some more.

I am learning to accept the fact that I will never just have one career path in my life...and that's okay! And not only is that okay, it's exceedingly exciting. That means I can do more than one thing in my life and I can follow the many dreams I have for myself. I have already done so many things that I have wanted to do and now I get to do another by travellng and teaching. It's actually super exciting and freeing.

So those of you who struggle with choosing to do one thing, don't fret. There are many opportunities and lots of life in front of you to work towards many of them. Those of you who love your career and feel like you're not adventurous, don't fret! Doing what you love is just as adventurous and exciting. Those of you who don't know yet what you want to do, don't fret! It's an exciting time to dream about the possibilities and figure out what things you may or may not want to do in life. All of it is an adventure and it's super exciting!

Day 1 in South Korea

August 18th 2016

Well, I have been awake since 4am, jet lag is not all that fun. At the time I had no idea that anything could be open to get some food so I bascially lay awake starving until 10am when I started to venture out for the first time by myself. The only thing I really found open was a KFC so I embraced my American hertiage and got a chicken sandwhich and some fries.

Thank goodness a fellow teacher came to pick me up to walk me to the school becuase I probably would have gotten lost since I was driven here the night before. It's a very short walk from my hotel. It was super hot and humid today.

I spent the afternoon and evening shadowing my fellow teachers. They all are pretty cool. The teaching is straight forward because all of the curriculum is provided for us. I will have my formal training in Seoul next week.

After work, my collegues and I went to dinner. We got (you probably guessed it ;) ) Indian food! It was delicious. I love that I have been in Korea for a day and a half and I have really yet to eat Korean food. C'est la vie.

A coworker happily walked me back to my hotel room so I wouldn't get lost and we stopped at a convienence store so I could get some breakfast and a snack. There are so many places in such short distances. I have never lived in a city before. It's nice to just walk outside and bascially be feet away from just about anything I could need.

I don't really have any anicdotes for today. Mostly I am exhausted and can't continue to reflect on the day. More to come I am sure.

TTFN

Journey to South Korea

I want to start off by saying that I didn't reflect on how long 16 hours really is until I started traveling to South Korea.

August 16th 2016
Morris and I drove to the Indianapolis airport in the rain with my 4 checked bags of luggage weighing just at or a little over 50 pounds each plus my carry on that I know is a couple of inches too big but needed the extra room and figured I would risk it and a book bag. If you live in Indiana, you know that driving on 65 is not all that awesome. For those of you who don't know, there's construction everywhere in West Lafayette including on highway 65. (Something I am definitely grateful to get away from). This particular highway is mostly two lanes the whole way with a lot of trucks driving. The speed limit is 70mph on most of it but for trucks that is not the case. So you have speed demon drivers who try to weave in and out of the trucks who are in slowing the traffic down...in the rain...with an extra heavy car, getting cut off is not really my cup of tea. But regardless of all of these things, Morris and I arrived safely at the Indy airport.

Just driving up to the departures wasn't going to be helpful because I am insane and have a ton of luggage. So we park and drag all my luggage to the Delta counter. The lady was gracious and let my lightly overpacked bags go by but I definitely had to pay for the two extra bags. Morris and I hug goodbye. I realize that the longer I let the hug go on the more difficult it was going to be to say goodbye so I let go earlier than I wanted. We parted ways and I realized as I turned the corner that there is food before the TSA line so I hurry up and call Morris to see if he wants to sit and have breakfast for a few minutes. We did. It was delightful and then we said goodbye for real. I have already been asked if that was difficult but honestly it wasn't. I think mostly because this whole trip seems like a dream and not reality.

I went through the TSA line with no issues and headed to my gate. I sat in my seat for my flight to Atlanta and was pleasantly surprised that I had an empty seat next to me. I think I slept a little but not all that much. It was a really short flight. Getting off my flight, there was a lovely gentleman there directing those of us with connecting flights. He pointed to Terminal F and off I went to find my flight to Seoul.

I decided to cave and buy a neck pillow. I was slowly starting to think about how long 15 hours in a plane was going to be. I have been on a few planes before, the longest being to Europe but that was only like 6 hours. Buying a neck pillow seemed like the right thing to do.

I checked in for my flight and they asked me if I would be willing to change seats. They would still give me an aisle seat but it would be closer to the front and then another family could sit together. Me, being the person I am, happily obliged. I would come to regret that decision for the next 15 hours.

So here I want to pause and share my confusion about boarding planes. The system seems ridiculous. Why do they board first class first? They sit up front and are therefore disturbed by the rest of us who have to pass them. Also, passing those luxurious seats is just not fair. They looked amazing and would lay down into a bed...super jealous but I don't have that kind of money. They charge like 4x more for those seats!

Anyway, I found my seat next to two children probably ages 8 and 12? They seem to be brother and sister. They are well mannered and fairly quiet so it's not terrible to sit next to them. They do get restless and move and or need to use the restroom every time I am just about to be asleep but that's nothing compared to the "demon child" who is sitting behind me.

Okay, fine, demon child is a really strong word and it could be worse. But for the age she looks, she definitely shouldn't be acting how she is. She is the loudest person on the plane. I am pretty sure she is about 7 or 8 years old. She doesn't realize she is loud because she has her headphones on but yells "mom" fairly frequently. And by yell I mean whine relentlessly to her poor mother who is trying to sleep. She decides to sit in such a way that her feet are on my seat so every time she moves I feel....everything. I didn't realize this at first and was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. It is a really long flight to sit still. There is a tablet like monitor on the seat so it will get touched along with the food tray and the pocket but I saw how she was sitting when I walked past and then I understood why everytime I was about to get into REM sleep I would be stirred awake. I keep thinking I should turn around and say something along the lines of "Hey kiddo, I know this is a really long flight and my feet are restless too but if you could be more gentle to my seat I would really appreciate it and be able to sleep" but I am not sure how this kid would take that and if mom would be okay with me "disciplining" and by discipline I mean politely asking her kid to stop. So I sit here and write instead.

My head hurts. My stomach feels funny and really I just want to be in a less cramped space to walk and then sleep. But that time won't come for another three plus hours.

In other news, the tablet entertainment on the plane is awesome. I partially slept through the following movies, Up, Monster's Inc, and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I watched Zootopia and currently have Captain America: Civil War playing in the background. And this is just my individulal screen. I also have played Pac Man and can probably do many other things but I havne't played with it enough because of trying to sleep.

We have had two meals already that were definitely interesting. I have never had Korean food so I am not sure if it is typical Korean food or airplane Korean food. I will find out soon enough though.

Maybe demon child will finally fall alseep because it is 11:39pm EST and I am pretty sure she hasn't slept at all yet. But that also means it is 12:40pm in Korea which means I should try to stay awake to get used to the new time zone...not that I could sleep anway. I still keep getting kicked and it's just not comfortable to sleep on a plane. I am not sure how one travels so frequently on long plane rides like these. Perhaps I will find some trick for next time.

August 17th 2016
In case you were curious, demon child did end of falling asleep for like the last two hours of the trip but of course at that point I couldn't sleep and was basically just trying not to get sick.

My flight landed and we taxied a really long time to get to the tunnel with which we would exit. I could see lots of water and I imagine it is the shape of the country and runways that made the airport so far away. And really it probably wasn't that far, I just really needed to get off that plane.

I went through immigration and got all of my bags and was met with a man who had a sign with my name on it. He spoke very limited English but we mangaed to get all of my bags in the van and take off for an hour car ride to Suwon. I wasn't really ready for that because I already felt sick and now I am in a older van that's really bumpy with an over zealous aggressive driver. Not a great combination but I managed not to get sick. We arrived at the school. They were suprised by all my baggage but we made do. I stepped in to the school briefly while we chatted about the next couple of weeks. A different man took me to my hotel room.  I am finally not moving anymore and that feels great. I am over tired and hungry. Tomorrow I will have to find my way back to the school because right now we are in the middle of summer camp so they have much longer hours at the school than normal. I think I will manage.

Pictures to come. Stay tuned for me adventures here in Korea.