You know that moment in so many scenes in movies where the character(s) shake their heads and blink their eyes and somehow they have come out of some kind of trance? It might have been a magic spell or telepathic thing or whatever, but they are finally seeing clearly again or even for the first time. I feel like I'm constantly coming out of that state. Every step I take to learn more about myself and every day I learn more about the world and people around me. It's like I'm in a constant state of coming out of some sort of trance. Like I was blind and now I can see. Something was clouding my vision of a certain aspect of my life and now I see it clearly for the first time.
It's really disorienting. I cannot even begin to understand what it would feel like to be a person who was actually, physically blind and now can see but, I imagine that at first everything would seem super bright and ridiculously overwhelming.
I feel that kind of way nearly weekly at this point in my life. I know in a lot of ways it's a really great thing. It means I'm growing. It means I'm seeing myself more in reality and trying to make my best self. I can tell this is very beneficial for me.
But sometimes I really want it to stop. Like when will it stop being so overwhelming? When will I actually see the world for what it really is instead of continuously coming out of trances? It's almost like I keep waking up from a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream, etc. When will I wake up to reality? Will I be stuck in the Matrix forever?
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I really wanted to end my post on that last question. It felt like an excellent moment to stop and just let all the questions linger and ponder about the world and life. But, it felt like I was leaving the impression of hopelessness and helplessness. That's not actually what I'm feeling. Actually, I am feeling a lot of hope. I see more light. I see the good that is happening in my heart and soul with all of these experiences. So, as much as I want it to stop, I don't really. As long as it takes, as many times as I have to wake up, I think that it will be worth it. In the end, I will have grown. I will have discovered more parts of myself and the world around me. I will be reaching my best self and then able to offer my best self to others. This is the journey and it's my beautiful, crazy, messed up, twisted story. I'm becoming. It's terrifying. It's liberating. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's agonizing. It's torture. It's glorious. I'm becoming and it feels amazing.
