slipping into nothing

slipping into nothing
falling face first
gasping for breath
trying to find something to hold
will anyone notice
if I decide to let go?

wanting to throw a toaster at someone's head

wanting to throw a toaster at someone's head
never seemed like a thing I would ever consider in life
I was very wrong
who knew that it would be at the person I most love in the world?
everyone
it's amazing that love and hate can be so closely related
that's why the color red represents both anger and love
on one hand it makes no sense at all
why would I want to throw a toaster at someone I love?
on the other it makes perfect sense
you never get close enough to someone you don't love
why would you?

it feels amazing to create

It feels amazing to create
will this high last forever?
know that it won't
with sharing the creativity
comes the wretchedness of
knowing what others might think
it is enough to make one not share
it is enough to crush the soul
but sharing is what makes it live
I don't want it to die
so my choice is made
the high will die
will i let the art die with it?

Revelation of self has come

Revelation of self has come
what will I do about it?
will I sit in what I knew?
it's comfortable here
but it won't be comfortable for long
the guilt will set in
I will have to move forward
change is imminent
I must move forward
it will be hard but it will be good
for now I sit
waiting for the moment
I can no longer be still

More on South Korea

So my whole plan to keep writing all kinds of things about my adventures in South Korea definitely stopped. Part of me is apologetic about this but the other part remembers how tired I was. It's really draining moving to a new place you know nothing about starting a new job, being illiterate, not being able to communicate, being exposed to new germs and getting sick, and much more.

Despite all of the transitional things that come with the adventure, I have been eojoying my time here in South Korea. It truly is amazing to not have to have a car. Things are very cheap and there is so much to do!

One thing that I love about Korea is that it is definitely a night time culture. People tend to stay out all night (and not just on the weekends). The main grocery store in my town doesn't even open until 10am and closes at 12am. It's delightful. I mean for me it is because I am definitely not a morning person. I haven't experienced much of the night life though because by the time I am done teaching for the day, I can be pretty spent but I do enjoy going to dinner with my coworkers. Mind you we have dinner around 9 or 10pm. Again something to get used to but I enjoy it. It's really fun.

Something else I enjoy are all the small businesses. I am very curious to know how the small business world works around here. I feel like they are doing something better and different than we do in the States because small business people seem to do really well. Now maybe my perspective is skewed because I have never lived in a city before but that's how it seems. There are small businesses everywhere! And by everywhere I literally mean that. In spaces you couldn't even imagine fitting a thing there will be a small store. Korea is very resourceful in using space. It can get a bit tight with other people around but it's creative and beautiful to see the small businesses everywhere. It boggles my brain that all of them can make a profit with so much competition. There can be many of the same time of restaurant all in the same place and some how people go to those places. It makes my heart happy.

The subway is both amazing and a little terrifying. I can take the subway to get just about anywhere in the Seoul area and even beyond. It's also really cheap and super fast. But, you never really know who crowded it is going to be. I didn't even understand how many people you can fit on the subway. I remember thinking once, there is no way we can fit more people onto this car. We are full. (and by full, I mean not having any personal space and standing right next to someone on all sides of you). I was wrong. Those people got on the subway and somehow we squished closer together. I told you Korea is extremely resourceful with small spaces. Anyway being American, this can be quite difficult. I am used to my personal space. I am accostumed to being able to move around and people move out of the way and vice versa. That's just not how the culture is here and it can get a bit overwhelming at times. Sometimes it makes me really angry and other times I remember that just because it's different doesn't make it wrong or rude. So I like taking the subway....most days. :-)

Well that's all I have to share right now but I will share more in the future. Read if you're interested. 

Thoughts in the aftermath

Abba,

Here I am. Here you are. Here we are.

You know all of the things. I can barely bring myself to write about these things for fear that I may not actually be dreaming and it is in fact real. But, it is in fact real. The President Elect of the United States is Donald Trump. Some relationships in my life are falling apart. I am in South Korea away from all of my family and friends. My future is in the balance. Finances are shit. My dog is in Indiana and I am in South Korea.

How is all of this and more happening all at the same time?

AND these are all just my white girl problems.....

I didn't even touch on the racism and hatred that is going on in America right now. My heart hurts. Yet, I sit here not fully entering into my emotions. Not really letting myself think too much about what is happening. And the thing is, I have the privlege of doing that because I am white and I currently don't reside in the US. I can escape and not dig in. And that makes me feel even more terrible.

I will never completely understand.

I have never been so poor that I didn't have a roof over my head or food to eat. I have a college education. I have white skin. There are so many things I will truly never understand, but that doesn't mean I can stay blind. I have to enter in. I need to feel angry and sad. I need to go through all the stages of grief. I must. There is racism, classism, sexism and more happening all around. The people who have lived their entire lives this way are tired. They have been through the stages of grief probably many times. To quote a friend of mine, "I have no more tears left." This is the reality that many have had to live in their entire lives. I and many have just started waking up to it in the past few years. Others have been fighting alongside for longer. The marginalized cannot fight without the help of the people who have privilege.

So how do I help? How do I bring a voice to those who don't have one? How do I enter in when I am already so very tired? I can't afford to be tired. But there's a balance of self care right? Fuck that. Is that selfish? Yes. Is it bad? No. There is truth to needing to take care of one's self in order to be able to help others, but when is that a cop out answer? When am I actually being inauthentic with myself? Am I actually too tired? Am I being lazy? Am I too comfortable in my white privilege skin and life? Can I really not go on any further? Probably not. I can go much further than I give myself credit for. You (God) have given me an amazing brain that is able to endure more than I even understand. But why do so many have to endure so much in 2016 in America? What the fuck?!

So how do I help? What can I do? God please tell me because I have no fucking clue.

Me

To my hurting friends and family-

I want you to know that I love you. You are valued. I value you. I want to enter in. If you need to talk about anything or nothing, I am here. I may be many miles away physically but we do live in an amazing technology age and I have the ability to talk. I will not be silent. I will not stand by as you are mocked, ridiculed, harrassed and abused. Please help me know how I can help...if I can help. Help me to know when I just need to listen. Help me to understand where I am still ignorant. I know I have much to learn. But what I do know is that I am good at relationships and I am here for you.