Learning to Love myself: Part I

Learning to Love Myself: Part I

Well, during my first counseling session, I dove in head first and discovered that I haven't loved myself. Like, if I were to ask myself the question, "Do you love yourself?", the answer would not be yes...at all. This is a hard, very sad thing to realize, but it is truth.

So, I thought for my first step in trying to love myself I would write myself a letter like how I would write my friends a letter in this given situation. I love to love on others and give affirmation and encouragement. I just don't know how to do it for myself. I have the skills to do it, so here's my first attempt.

Dearest Jessica,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It sucks that you have to go through a divorce. There's not really any other thing to say about that. It's okay cry. It's okay to decompress. It's okay to avoid your feelings at times. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be numb. There's no right way to go through this process. Just take your time and do what you need to do.

Jessica, you are enough. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are not in the way. These are truths you need to hear over and over and over again. These are things you should start to say to yourself when you can. Until you can, I will say them to you. They are true. You are amazing. You are worthy of great love. You are talented and lovely. Know that I believe in you.

Giving you advice seems unhelpful at this juncture. I don't think there's anything you can do or I can do to fix it. As sucky and cliche as it sounds, healing takes time. And that really is OKAY. Have grace for yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need to stick to your 10 point plan. You don't have to revise it and make a new one over night. Just be. I know that's really hard, but it is important especially now. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not have it all figured out. Jessica, it's okay that not everything is okay. You don't have to be put together for everyone. No one expects you to be perfect. You don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.

As much as you love to be needed, it's okay that you need others right now. People love you and want to take care of you. It's okay to let them do that. It's okay to let others know what you need. It's okay to not really be able to offer much back sometimes. Relationships aren't a score-keeping game. You don't have to win by out giving everyone around you. It's not a game! Just let others take care of you. It's okay.

Jessica, you have an interesting, amazing, horrifying, beautiful mosaic of a story. It's molded you into this beautiful person both inside and out. Yes, there are things about you that aren't perfect, but I love you just as you are and not as you should be. Stop striving so much. Live a little. Let yourself be loved for once. And know that that love doesn't come with strings attached. You are worthy just as you are with nothing to offer. You don't have to be helpful. You don't have to do anything. I love you in your darkest moments. It really is okay to have dark moments.

Thank you for loving people around you deeply. Even if they don't say it or sometimes even know it, they appreciate you. You aren't in the way. You give others so much. Just stop for a little bit and love yourself for awhile. You're gonna be okay. The questions don't need to be answered right now. There doesn't need to be a plan. Be still. Be loved. You are enough.

Love,
Jessica

And now....all the tears. I knew my words can be powerful to others and often to myself when speaking to others, but I never really thought about speaking to myself in the same way. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone but myself, but I'm so glad I started writing tonight. It's a great step in healing and these are definitely words I need to hear right now.

Thanks for listening (I mean reading) and taking part in my journey.

Hard Truths about myself and the Hope that is in the Journey

It's amazing to me how the moment I start to give up all hope and want to throw in the towel how God intervenes. Or maybe it's just a moment where I'm able to see more clearly what has been going on all along. I'm not going to pretend I know how God works. That's something I've been discovering over and over again that God is much more than the God I was taught and sometimes a lot different than what I was taught or even thought for myself. So, that being said, I don't know the ways of God. I can't even begin to comprehend how he works or all the things about him. All I do know are the experiences I have and the moments where I just have this gut feeling that he is there and he is working.

Recent events in my life have been... well, there's no better way to say this than "Royally Fucked Up". Going through a divorce is tough. The circumstances of mine are rather interesting. He just didn't know he didn't want to be married until after the fact. I'm not going to pretend that any of that is okay, but I'm also not going to berate him on social media. It is what it is and I have to move on. I don't think I'll ever regret marrying him. He has made me a better person.

Then, for whatever reason, I decided to get on Tinder. Now, I know that in the United States there's an interesting stigma that goes on with having a Tinder account. It's like everyone's secret of shame or something because it is mostly known as the "hook up" online dating application. But, being in a different country, makes it more difficult to meet someone. Most people have a type, mine happens to not be Korean guys. I have met some amazing Korean people, but I'm not attracted to Korean men. I will be honest and brave enough to say that I have a thing for black guys with a cute smile. I met a guy. We started hanging out and spending a lot of time together. Basically we were dating without the title because well, on paper, I'm still married. I find it to be a formality at this point and nothing more, but I get how that can be a deterrence to someone who might be interested in me.

I thought I was falling in love. But really, I was in love with the attention I was getting. I'd been waiting my whole life for someone to call me beautiful and want to touch me and love on me in ways that were just not there before. So, I do what girls do....well what I do. I ran in head first and expected a fairy tale. Imagine that, no such thing occurred. I got my heartbroken for the second time in 2017. Again, I'm not about to post all the details on social media. Again, I don't regret the experience one bit. We had a lot of fun. It's just not what I thought it was going to be.

So at this point, I'm like wow. What's the point of life? Really my life has been one disappointment after another. I know I'm a dreamer. I know I have wildly high expectations for myself and often others. Maybe it's time to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and get a better glimpse of some reality. Stop living in the clouds and clearly decide what it is that I want out of life. Can I really have it all? Probably not. So what are the most important pieces?

Well, for most of my life my plan has revolved around a man. And coming from a feminist who believes women are more than baby makers and house cleaners that sounds strange and irritating to even myself. But when faced with the hard truth...well, I have been that boy crazy girl. I don't like admitting that. In fact, it pains me to admit it and it makes me really sad, but it's true. So now I've been sitting in heartache and pain. Maybe I got my fairy tale already and it's over. How can I think I would get another one? But, was it really a fairy tale then? Well, the beginning definitely was but soon fizzled into not. But, what are fairy tales anyway? And why am I planning my life around a man anyway? What do I really want out of life? Can I take a different approach and let my dreams go?

As you can see, I've had many, many questions in the last couple of months. Those are just some of them. And then something interesting happened. I started to say some of this out loud and then proceeded to get back on Tinder. I was fully aware of the craziness of that. But, I felt like saying, "Fuck it. I want to have fun. I enjoy getting attention from guys. I'm gonna lean in for now until I figure some shit out." And then a couple of days ago I went on a date with an interesting man. We have a lot in common. He was a gentleman. And I was reminded that my dream is not actually impossible. Though I've known always there are great men out there (I have met many). We are all broken people. And being as broken as I am, what makes me worthy of a love story? But regardless of how things go with this guy, I was reminded of God's goodness. The date was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in time. Dreaming isn't a bad thing. I have some truths I need to face in my life and I still have a lot growing to do as a person, but I don't need to change the fact that I'm a dreamer just because some shit happened in my life.

And then!!!! I got to go on vacation with my Korean mom. That's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the balcony of the pension we are in in Taean, South Korea. It over looks the ocean and a beautiful flower garden. We enjoyed the beach and the rocks and the sounds of the ocean and the birds. The fresh air has breathed new spirit into my soul. It has been amazing. Again, I'm reminded of God's goodness. Here I sit with a smile on my face because today has been so great. Hope is still here. Joy still exists. Through great pain, I can experience great joy. That's really how it works. You can't really experience one without the other. I've been reminded of that today.

So, yes everything sucks. There's still pain. There's still deep sorrow. That's not going to go away in an instance. My experiences have sucked. But I still wouldn't trade them. They truly have formed me into the person I am today. I am a better person because of these experiences. I shouldn't let them rob me of my future or even my present life. My goal right now is to find the joy in today. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to experience God in new ways. I want to wrap my brain around merging my past self and my new self together in a whole new Jessica with a confidence I've never had before. I want to not give up on my dreams. I want to be a beacon of light for others to remind them of hope and joy and be there for them and cry with them. I want to help others. I have always wanted to do that. The best way I can do that right now is by investing in myself.

So Monday, I start counseling. This isn't the first time I've done so, but it's at a different time in my life and with a professional. I'm looking forward to delving into myself in ways I haven't done or couldn't have done before. I'm looking forward to discovering parts of me and parts of the world and parts of God. I know I won't have all the answers, but I'm looking forward to the journey.

I think that's the first time I've ever been able to say that truthfully. I've always been interested in the destination. I have had no patience for myself and the journey. But, my life has taught me that the journey is what makes us, us. The journey is what defines me. The journey is what life is. So, let this journey begin on this beautiful spring day with God readily in my sights.

Should isn't the right question: a conversation with God

Me: ...these are the harder questions. Do I have to answer them now? I don't think I even know the answers right now. So, Jesus, where are you in all of this? Where should I be going? What should I be doing?

God: Should isn't the right question. Jessica, I have given you free will. You are free to live your life.

Me: But God, what about all the things I was taught about needing to know what you are calling me to and seeking to hear for direction? What about right and wrong? What about sin and no sin? What about making the right decisions in the small details? What about...?

God: Child, I love you as you are and not as you should be. And who said "Should be" anyway? Not I. Some things you were taught or believe are wrong. I have given you freedom.

Me: But what about knowing your plan for my life?

God: You make the plan. You decide. You have choices.

Me: So I don't have some plan of destiny? There isn't a right answer?

God: No

Me: What have I been believing my whole life then?

God: In what others have told you and what you have told yourself.

Me: So now what? How do I choose to live well? How do I let go of dreams and promises that were made to me? What about the things I thought you said? What about my ideas of who you are?

God: Jess, my child, what do you think I have been doing? I have been slowly revealing myself to you as I truly am and not how others depict me. You can't handle it all at once. Be patient. I will continue to reveal myself to you. In the meantime, choose to take care of yourself and quit worrying so much. You're making others nervous. That's not who you are. Stop worrying and love. Be you and live. Know that life doesn't work as a detailed power point plan.

Me: Why not? I want it to.

God: I know. But trust me, it's better this way. Jessica, I love you as you are. It's okay to not have a plan or all the answers. Find inner peace. I am there. You don't have to worry so much and you definitely don't need to go so fast. Slow down. Take one step at a time and be free.

Who decided what beauty is anyway?

Who decided what beauty is anyway?

It's a question I have really been pondering lately. I know sometimes, especially as women, we say that question to try to make ourselves feel better about our bodies. But, do we actually stop to really think about the reality of it? Like, who decided that having a flat stomach was beautiful? Who said that a woman's body should be hairless except for the head and the eyebrows? Who said having big boobs and a round butt was beautiful? Who said having big eyes was beautiful?

Being on the other side of the world has taught me something interesting. No matter where you're from or who you look like, a woman is looking to change something about herself. Women in Korea spend so much money on their faces. They buy lots of makeup and even get surgery to make their eyelids have a "double eyelid" like westerners. They also want their skin to look whiter. This is what they view as beautiful. Many women in America want their bodies to look like the Korean women I have met.

Why?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we think we have to change our appearances to be more beautiful? Why don't we accept what was given to us and find beauty in that? I know there are some real reasons to these questions having to do with business, the media, and what powerful men have said is beautiful, but why are we buying into the bullshit?

Seriously, in many ways we have come so far. In many places, women are very successful in the workplace. We are working towards equal pay and family leave. In America, and other parts of the world, we now have a voice to vote and help make changes to the political systems. Why are we still stuck on what others tell us about beauty when we have said "Fuck you" to the other things that people said women couldn't do? Why do we buy into the lies that we are not beautiful as we are? Why do we buy diet pills, wear uncomfortable things, and all sorts of crazy things to change our appearances?

Okay, sometimes it's fun and it's just nice to do something different to make ourselves feel really good. Sometimes it's out of creativity and how we engage the world. Not all of us are so insecure about our bodies feeling the need to change them.

For myself, I have found that serveral factors go into my body image issues. Watching my mother swing diet growing up, seeing what the media portrayed as beauty, and listening to men around me who I desperately wanted to like me back are a few of the reasons I have struggled for so long with my body and issues of beauty.

But fuck that! Who cares what the media says is beautiful? My mom obviously had some issues for herself, but should I also take on the same demons? No way! And who the hell cares what a man says to me about changing my body?! If he doesn't like who I am as I am, well then he doesn't deserve me. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am great. I am amazing. I don't need to change my appearance beacause who defined beauty anyways? I'm gonna define my own view of beauty. I am beautiful. It doesn't matter what anyone else says.

I say that now...I have confidence and am up on my high horse. Tomorrow will be different. I will probably start to feel the twinge of defeat and look at myself in the mirror and want to change something again. I do think it's a slow process of changing my inner dialogue though. I know I try to help my fellow female friends by telling them that they are beautiful. But let's be honest ladies, most of us are grateful but really want to hear it from a guy who loves us and not just our female friends. But, what we ought to be doing is telling ourselves this everyday until we believe it. Our inner dialogue to ourselves is so very important. It's something I come back to time and time again.

When I was in college, I had an inner dialogue that said "You're stupid", to myself all the time. It even spilled out into conversation so much so that my exboyfriend called me out on it. It was one of the best things he ever did for me. At first, I was just trying to make him happy so out loud I would say, "I'm so silly" instead of "I'm so stupid" but overtime that started to change and my inner dialogue was no longer calling myself stupid. And truly I don't know where that lie ever started because I have never been stupid.

Lately, I have been telling myself "I'm amazing!" and slowly I have been starting to believe this. Slowly my inner dialogue is changing. Slowly I'm starting to stand up for myself and believe in myself and know that I'm worth it.

I need to start doing the same thing with my appearance. "I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!!" It doesn't matter what anyone else says, I don't need to change parts of myself to be more beautiful. I am just the way I am.

And who the fuck thought it was okay to define beauty anyway? Seriously, if you are a person who has ever told a woman she needed to change her appearance for cosmetic reasons only (not health) shame on you. SHAME ON YOU!!!! It is so damaging. It is so harmful. And not because women are weak and can't handle being told criticism. It's because it's not true. It's a lie and it holds women back from being great because they are concerned about bettering themselves. Bettering yourself is a sign of strength. But we shouldn't be so concerned about bettering our appearances. We should be bettering our minds, hearts and souls and changing the world around us. We should not be seeking to better our appearances. It's a waste of time because we are focused on the lie.

Today, I'm strong. I am beautiful. I will focus on bettering my mind, heart and soul. I will not be focused on my physical appearance. I pity the man who comes my way and says something differently today.  He won't be ready for the rant that is coming his way beacuase this all is a bunch of bullshit and you better belive he needs to know it. Sorry guy, you gotta learn sometime.

Overwhelmed about to burst

Overwhelmed about to burst
welling up, my heart seems to grow
I want to sing
I want to dance
Can barely contain myself
Coming from a deep place
it's there beyond me
it doesn't make sense
this feeling is too great
to feel for one messy human being
but it's there
far passed my own abilities
I'm in love

Holeish

Empty but full
Longing yet peace
Strange and sincere
Open and shut
Far, near
Both pain and joy
It's truly hard to describe
The feeling of missing
A person you love so dear

It's easier to get angry
It's simpler to ignore
Avoidance is the key
Because understanding doesn't exist
The complexity of missing
Is beyond my comprehension

For once, I sit
Letting this feeling come
Not understanding
But accepting my reality
It's painful but somehow
I feel closer
So here I lie
Pretending I'm surrounded
by you

Christmas Denial

For me, Christmas has always been a special holiday. In general, I tend to be a joyful, bubbly person. This is a holiday that brings that to light more clearly. My face lights up at the littlest things this time of year: any sign or hint of snow falling, the smallest displays of Christmas lights, smells of baking, getting to wrap presents and so much more. Over the years, it has definitely changed from when I was a child, but I still was able to hold onto the light of that spirit that I knew from when I was a child. Even among some treacherous life stuff. Through it all, Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.

The past two years changed. Maybe I started to grow up. Maybe I let something inside of me die. Maybe I finally succumbed to what everyone has to figure out....that Christmas spirit I once knew has seemed to disappear. I have been denying it for sometime. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to believe forever that this was the most wonderful time of year. It was my safe place. A happy place where my real life could disappear into the fabric of the background because it was Christmas. It was magical. And don't get be wrong, I always stopped to reflect on the reason for the celebration and marveled at what God had done for us. I also tried not to get caught up in the materialistic commercialism that has infiltrated this season. I would make crafts and decorations of my own and bake cookies and knit scarves and do whatever I could to engage in the season. I am definitely one of those that started listening to Christmas music way too early...according to many. But, it all made me happy. It was me getting to be me.

This year is different.

We all know 2016 has been....well special and not in a good way. I don't need to remind you the awful and horrific things this year has brought. It has brought some really good and unexpected things as well. January 1st of 2016 I didn't imagine sitting here, in South Korea, getting to follow one of my dreams. But, following dreams doesn't come for free. I am having to spend Christmas away from what I know to be Christmas and I can honestly say I have been in denial of the season for quite some time. Although I bought materials to make Christmas cards in October, the bag sits in the corner untouched. I downloaded a play list of Christmas music only to have played it occasionally and not really pay too close attention to it. I haven't even sung along! Today is December 24th, Christmas Eve and I don't believe it. I have been fighting it. If I choose to live in today that means Christmas, or at least what I know to be Christmas will have gone on without me and that makes me incredibly sad. It rips at my heart and stings like something I have never felt before. Instead of allowing myself to feel that, instead of thinking of the pain, I have just denied that it is December. Not even always consciously. For the first two weeks of December, I was still writing 11 when I needed to write the date. How can it really be Christmas without me?

About a few hours ago, I decided to stop being in denial and do something Christmasy. I found the one movie that I watched like every year with my family: The Santa Clause. I turned on Christmas music and sang along. I got dressed up to go out with my friends in a little bit. I talked with my grandma, Omi. I am starting to feel like myself again. It feels a little like Christmas. Although I will have to deal with the pain, I will have to accept that Christmas in Indiana and Ohio will go on without me. I know I will be missed, but it will still continue to go on. Time to get out of denial and work through the rest of the stages of grief so I can actually come to accept what is happening right now.

I imagine I will be listening to Christmas for the next month or so since I missed out before hand. I will make my Christmas cards and send them out late and do other things, but Christmas denial has got to go. This year has been a crazy one, but I cannot let 2016 rob me of my favorite time of year. So, here's to all of you struggling with the feeling of Christmas this season. This feeling is a choice and today I am going to choose it. I am going to be joyful and even feel the pain. Christ was born in uncertain times. I mean for goodness sake he was born in a barn because of the political climate! But Christ brought hope. I must remember that hope and choose to remember to celebrate what this season is about. I know that Christians took over other holidays and Christ was really born a different time of year, but that doesn't change what or why I am celebrating. Jesus, thanks for coming to this world. God, thanks for giving us this precious gift. Thanks for showing us how to love those we thought were unlovable. Thank you for showing us there can be peace. Thank you for showing us to not just wait for you to come back, but to bring heaven to earth with the gifts you have given us. Help me to be an avenue where your light shines through. Help me to be a magnet of love and joy. Allow me to be the Christmas spirit and share with those around me even though I don't feel like it. Help me to stop and cry when I need to. Today, I choose joy.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your days be merry and bright.

Love,
Jess